You can say something like, “OK, I’m too upset to talk about this right now. I need time to cool off. ” When you’re alone, close your eyes and take deep breaths. Slowly start to let go of your anger and frustration and look at the problem calmly. Take as long as you need to cool down. You should wait for at least 10 minutes, but feel free to take more time if you need it.
Ask yourself how you would feel if he acted towards you the way you did towards him. What do you think he’s feeling right now? Own up to your actions if you think you might be the cause of any pain or upset. For example, if you got mad at your boyfriend for ignoring your texts, consider his schedule and feelings. Did he have a busy day? Maybe he wanted to reply, but just didn’t have the time. If you yelled at him, it may have made him feel frustrated and blamed.
For example, you might say, “I’m sorry I said those things about your friends. I might not like them, but I know you do, and I shouldn’t have been so mean. ” Your boyfriend might be in the wrong too, but that doesn’t mean you can’t work on your own actions, too. For example, if you got angry at your boyfriend for forgetting about a date, you might apologize for yelling at him or refusing to accept his apologies.
For example, you could say, “It’s just that when I see you spending more time with your friends than you do with me, I feel like I’m not your first priority and that really hurts. ” You could own up to your behavior during the fight by saying something like that, “I get defensive when I feel like you’re seeing the parts of me that I don’t like as much. ” Take as much time as you need to calmly talk through your feelings. Helping him to see things from your perspective will give him more compassion in understanding where you’re coming from.
You could say, “Can you tell me where you’re coming from?” or “I know I might have been hard to talk to earlier, but I really want to hear things from your point of view. ” Let him talk without interrupting and give him the same respect as he showed for you. Ask questions and be empathetic by saying things like, “I didn’t realize you were feeling that way. That must’ve been really hard. I’m sorry. ”
Avoid getting worked up about the fight again while you discuss it. Stay calm and remember that you’re trying to resolve a problem, not restart one. If you don’t feel like you’re ready for a calm discussion, it’s okay to postpone it until you do feel ready. For example, you might have ended your fight by saying that he doesn’t care as much for you as you do for him. When you trace it back, though, you might see that it started because he stayed out just an hour later than he’d planned.
For example, you might have started by fighting about a date your boyfriend missed. What made you really upset, though, was feeling like he wasn’t as invested in your relationship as you were. This made you feel unwanted and defensive. Let your boyfriend do the same. Ask him what became an issue for him and how it made him feel.
For example, if you got jealous of your boyfriend talking to another girl, a compromise could be him limiting conversations with other girls while you work on confronting the roots of your jealousy, like insecurity. Focus on moving forward, not starting another argument on how to find the best solution. Listen to what he has to say. Be willing to give a little and ask that he does the same. If talking about a compromise makes you feel upset again, tell him you need to take a break and finish the discussion later. Say, “I’m feeling really overwhelmed right now, so I need to take a moment to myself. Let’s pick this conversation up later. "
For example, if you had an argument about doing the dishes, you might solve it by creating a schedule. Then, talk about any deeper issues, like the feeling that you’re doing more chores than he is or vice versa. Look for patterns in your arguments as well. If you’re always getting into fights about similar things,it’s a sign that there’s a deeper issue at work. You might also learn about your different arguing styles and how you can make them more constructive and less hurtful in the future. For example, your boyfriend might not like it if you blame him for everything, or you might find it hurtful when he refuses to talk.
For example, if you and your boyfriend got into an argument about politics, there may be very little you can do to find a compromise or solution. You can agree to respect each other’s opinions, or simply avoid the topic, if it’s not a dealbreaker for you.
Recognize when you’re having a negative feeling during a fight, but tell yourself that it doesn’t have to take over. See the thought, accept it, and move on calmly. This practice will help you recognize and accept your feelings, even the negative ones, so that you don’t take them out on your boyfriend.
For example, if you want to talk about how you and your boyfriend don’t go on dates very often, avoid saying something like, “You never want to take me out anymore. ” Instead, try, “We should go out for dinner this weekend. I feel like it’s been forever!” Avoid using words like “always” or “never,” as well, which blow situations out of proportion and put him in a place of blame for a major issue.
For example, if your boyfriend points out that you’ve been spending a lot of time at work lately, you might respond defensively by saying that he spends more time with his friends than he does with you. Not only does this not solve the issue—it’ll also make your boyfriend defensive in return. Instead, take his opinions and observations into account. You might not be able to decrease your time at work, but you can give him more attention and affection when you are together. If you find yourself in a loop of defensive statements, take a break from the conversation so you can center yourself. Say, “I don’t think this conversation is productive right now. Let me go clear my mind and we can talk later. "
In focusing on your boyfriend’s best qualities, you can create a culture of appreciation that fosters love instead of anger or contempt. If you’re finding it hard to come up with reasons why you care about him, you may want to reexamine your relationship on a deeper level. You want to be with someone who makes you happy, not annoyed or angry. Make a habit of expressing your gratitude to him for no reason. For instance, give him compliments every day and do something nice for him once a week. Hopefully, he’ll return the gesture. This will help you have a more positive outlook on your relationship.
Make sure that he knows you’re not trying to avoid the argument or give him the cold shoulder. Say something like, “I’m not ignoring you or giving you the silent treatment. I just need to get away for a little bit and think.
