Ask yourself a few questions. What event triggered the conflict? Are you angry, and why? What do you want but aren’t getting? Is your anger justified, or are you overreacting? Identify the key players involved as well. For example, if you’re upset that a coworker has left early several days in a row, the root cause of the conflict could be your frustration at feeling like you’ve been doing more than your fair share or the work. Make a list of the issues at hand and study the ones that overlap. If the root cause of the conflict isn’t obvious, overlapping issues can often tell you exactly what it is. You might have an intrapersonal (internal) conflict instead. It’s also vital to analyze conflicts that exist within yourself. Try journaling to keep track of your feelings and pinpoint the source of your inner turmoil.
Acknowledge the conflict rather than avoiding it. Conflict can only be solved when addressed directly and embraced as an opportunity for growth! If you’re feeling overwhelmed or anxious, consider taking a step back before confronting the problem. Conflicts are less likely to be solved rationally when either side is flooded with emotions. When managing a conflict for coworkers or subordinates, reassure them that you’ll be as objective as possible while you work together.
For example, if someone in the office is being disruptive, focus on minimizing the behavior rather than accusing the person responsible. Say, “There were a lot of disruptions today,” rather than, “You’re disruptive and rude. ”
Save all questions and comments until they’ve fully outlined their position and finished speaking. Avoid body language that suggests judgment or anger, such as eye-rolling, tightly crossed arms or legs, or smirking. Being non-judgmental will make the other person feel like they can trust you. Encourage the person with simple affirming comments or gestures. A quick nod or a simple “Mmhm” can let them know you’re paying attention to them. Show compassion for the other person’s position. They’ll be more agreeable if they see you’re trying to understand where they’re coming from.
Start “I”-based statements with “I feel. . . “, “I think. . . " You could tell a coworker, “I feel like my ideas are sometimes overlooked,” instead of the more accusatory alternative, “You never listen to my ideas!” Specific examples can drive your point home. If you feel overlooked at work, you could say, “I was disappointed when my suggestions weren’t included in yesterday’s project notes. " In the case of an intrapersonal conflict, take the time to acknowledge your own feelings. Be aware of what you’re feeling and why, even negative emotions like sadness, loneliness, frustration, and anger.
An example of inflammatory language would be telling a colleague, “You tried to undermine me in front of our boss! You’re a backstabber who wants to make me look bad. ” Rephrase this by saying something like, “I’m wondering why my presentation was interrupted yesterday; I really wanted to show the supervisor my work. Could you help me understand what happened?” Use lots of neutral phrases like “Help me understand…”, “I wonder if…”, or, “How can we solve this?” Neutral language includes any phrasing that doesn’t attack the other person. If your colleague uses inflammatory language, don’t hesitate to ask them to stop or get a mediator to help. Be polite but firm, keep a cool head, and don’t let them rile you up too.
Say you have a conflict with a coworker, and they’ve explained their position to you. You could say, "To clarify, you feel you were overlooked for the new project and would like to be a part of the planning committee. " Once you reflect on the situation, let the other person confirm or correct you. Either way, this ensures that you’re both on the same page. If you reach an impasse, ask the other person for a break so you can think over the situation further and reanalyze your perspective on the matter. Specify a day and time when you can both pick up the discussion. Consider sending your coworker an objective summary of the last discussion. This reiterates your understanding of the situation and keeps both of you accountable.
Be creative! Come up with multiple solutions that all address your common goal of resolving the situation fairly. Think outside the box to find the best option for everyone. For example, if you disagree with a coworker over the style of a joint project, put your heads together and figure out what you particularly like about each style. Can you combine styles and salvage your favorite parts of each? While compromise is a good route, remember that you shouldn’t have to compromise your integrity to make someone else happy. For an intrapersonal conflict, brainstorm solutions and write them down. Take an honest look at the situation and weigh your options before deciding.
As you put together a plan, let everyone know you appreciate their efforts and that you’re willing to get together soon to check on progress.
If you decide the conflict isn’t worth your energy, give the other person a simple concession. You don’t need to back down if you’re justifiably frustrated, but you don’t need to fight a battle that’s more trouble than it’s worth. Conceding doesn’t mean saying, “You’re right, and I’m wrong. " Instead, say, “I’ve thought about the situation, and I think you feel more strongly about it than I do. I’m willing back you up and put the issue to rest. "
For example, consider the differing testimony of various coworkers who have heard about the same conflict from several different sources. Truth depends on a person’s point of view.
If you can’t forgive the other person, then at the very least maintain a distantly polite or professional demeanor when you have to see or work with them. It takes strong character and compassion to forgive someone. If you can forgive someone who hurt you, be proud of yourself for moving on from the conflict!
Generally, you should always deal directly with the person you’re in conflict with and keep any discussions confidential. However, a third party is sometimes necessary if the conflict escalates. In situations where the conflict is internal (intrapersonal), feel free to consult a friend, family member, or counselor whenever you think it’s necessary. Outside advice will help you look at the problem objectively.
The next time you work on something together, celebrate the progress you’ve both made. “This has been great! I’m delighted we got the chance to collaborate again. " Offer the other person a compliment on their work every so often. “That presentation was really well done! You clearly worked hard on it. "
