Your sexual role is not based on your gender or genitals. Having a penis doesn’t mean you need to penetrate someone, and having a vagina doesn’t mean you need to be penetrated. Nor does that mean you can’t like or dislike those things. Your sexual orientation is separate from your gender. Transmasculine people don’t have to have sex with women, transfeminine people don’t have to have sex with men, and nonbinary people aren’t all asexual. You can be gay, straight, bi, pan, asexual, or any other orientation, no matter what your gender is. Sex isn’t just penis-in-vagina or penis-in-anus. Oral sex, manual sex, mutual masturbation, and many more activities are still sex, and can be just as satisfying (if not more so). You don’t need to penetrate or be penetrated for it to “count”. There’s no right or wrong as long as it’s consensual. Sex should be a mutually enjoyable experience for anyone involved. Don’t focus on “normal”; focus on consent and pleasure. Being trans or nonbinary doesn’t exclude you from sex. Your gender doesn’t make you a fetish object or undesirable. Trans and nonbinary people can and do have happy, healthy sex lives, whether through casual sex or a committed relationship.
Do you genuinely want to have sex, or do you feel that you “should”? (You’re not obligated to have sex. Don’t do it if you’re feeling pressured or you think it’ll make you more mature. ) Are you able to access healthcare related to sex? Can you get protection, birth control (if needed), and sexual health screenings? Do you like your partner? Regardless of whether you love them, you should want to have sex with them because you’re attracted to them—not because they’re the only person who’s expressed interest in you. Have you already come out to your partner? Is your relationship stable and healthy? (Sex won’t save a failing relationship or make your partner treat you better, even if they say otherwise. ) Do you trust your partner to listen to you when you say “no,” ask them to stop, or change your mind? What about trusting them to not do anything you’ve told them you don’t like? Do you feel close enough to your partner? While some people are okay with casual hookups, others need a strong bond with their partner, and some people only want to have sex after marriage. Do you know what you’ll do if you get an STI, get an injury from sex, or accidentally get pregnant/get your partner pregnant (if applicable)? Do you feel comfortable with the idea of having sex, or does something make you feel nervous or scared about it? (If you feel uncomfortable, you’re probably not ready. )
For example, maybe you’re okay with having your genitals touched, but your chest is off-limits. Or maybe you’re fine with giving oral sex and are willing to try anal sex, but aren’t okay with giving and/or receiving vaginal sex. Think about boundaries with gendered things, too. How do you feel about things like masculine or feminine nicknames, names or slang for body parts, or certain types of gendered roleplaying or kink (like crossdressing)? It’s okay to be okay with certain things, not okay with certain things, or to change your mind about your boundaries. It doesn’t mean anything about your gender or make you any less trans or nonbinary. [11] X Research source
You might feel uncomfortable with the names of your genitals. Try gender-neutral terms like “bits,” “front hole,” or “strapless,” feminine terms (like “clit” for a penis), and/or masculine terms (like “penis” for a clitoris and “pecs” for breasts) to see what feels right. Use fantasy to explore what kind of roles, affection, positions, and nicknames interest you or feel good to you, and what turns you off. Figure out what makes you feel confident and gets you in the mood. Do you feel attractive or sexy when you wear certain clothes, sit in certain positions, dance a certain way, massage yourself non-sexually, or so forth? Masturbate to figure out what feels good to you and what you like. (If you’re not comfortable directly touching yourself, try using physical barriers, like clothes, pillows, or sex toys. )
Physical and sexual boundaries (for both you and your partner) What you call your genitals or secondary sex characteristics, and what they prefer theirs to be called Whether you or your partner have an STI What protection you’ll use together How you both want to be addressed during sex, and how you both do not want to be addressed during sex What arouses you, and what turns you off What arouses them, and what turns them off Remember, it’s okay (and in fact, a good idea) to talk about sex more than once. You can’t go over everything in a single conversation, and both of your needs and wishes can change over time. Regular communication about sex is part of a healthy sexual relationship.
Your sex drive may drop. You may find you don’t get aroused as often as you used to, and/or you don’t desire sex as much. (However, it’s also common to desire sex more than you used to, especially if HRT has relieved dysphoria. ) Your sexual preferences might change; you may find that you like things you used to dislike, and vice versa. Some people even find that their sexual orientation changes. Sexual arousal, touch, and orgasm may feel different; you may feel them throughout more of your body, in addition to your groin, and it may not feel as strong as it used to. You might find it easier or harder to reach orgasm. You will begin growing breasts, and your nipples will change shape and form; both may be more sensitive to touch. They might be sore or even painful while they’re growing. Your testicles will shrink, and the skin on your testicles and penis might thin. Rough handling of your genitals might cause pain or bleeding. See your doctor if you bleed. You may experience difficulty getting or maintaining an erection. If you do achieve an erection, you might not be able to penetrate someone with it. (If you still want to penetrate your partner, ask your doctor if you can safely take Viagra or a similar medication. ) While you’ll still be capable of achieving orgasm and might still release precum, you may ejaculate very little, or not ejaculate at all. Your sperm count will decrease. However, your sperm can still impregnate someone.
Your sex drive may increase. You might become more easily aroused and want to have sex more often. (However, some people might experience an initial drop in sex drive as they adjust. ) Your sexual preferences might change; you may find that you like things you used to dislike, and vice versa. Some people even find that their sexual orientation changes. Sexual arousal, touch, and orgasm may feel different; it might be more focused in your genital region and feel stronger than it used to. You might find it easier or harder to reach orgasm. You will experience clitoral growth. (The amount varies per person, but on average, it will grow between one and two inches larger; it’s often not enough to penetrate someone. )[21] X Research source [22] X Research source You might find that the area is sensitive or even painful, particularly early on. Your vagina will become dryer; it won’t lubricate itself as effectively and you may experience some atrophy. Vaginal play without lube may become uncomfortable or painful, and may cause some bleeding. See your doctor if you bleed. Your breasts may become slightly smaller as a result of body fat redistribution. (However, you will not become flat-chested. ) Your periods will eventually stop. However, you can still ovulate and potentially become pregnant.
General guides for trans and nonbinary people, regardless of gender identity, include Walker-Whitman’s Safer Sex for Trans Bodies and Scarleteen’s Dating While Trans. Transfeminine people can read Brazen: Trans Women’s Safer Sex Guide, Mira Bellweather’s Fucking Trans Women, and Allison Moon’s Girl Sex 101. Transmasculine people can read Primed² (for trans men who have sex with men), and Terrence Higgens Trust’s article on sexual enjoyment for transmasculine people.
If your partner asks that you do something you don’t want to do, it’s okay to tell them no. You can simply say, “I’m not comfortable with that,” “I’m not into that,” or “I don’t want to be touched there. " Your partner should never pressure you or force you into things you don’t want.
If your concern is mainly about sex or past sexual experiences, try visiting a sex therapist who works with transgender or nonbinary clients. Other things can affect sex, too. If you’re struggling with mental illness, have a history of abuse, deal with chronic stress, or otherwise don’t feel at your best, seek out therapy for the underlying issues.
How often you get screened for STIs depends on your sex life. If you’re in a long-term monogamous or closed polyamorous relationship and everyone is clear, annual checkups usually suffice. If you have casual sex, are in an open relationship, or have a partner with an STI, you should be tested every three to six months. [26] X Research source Make sure you’re vaccinated against Hepatitis A, Hepatitis B, and HPV, as these can all be sexually transmitted. (These vaccines are usually given during childhood, but are safe to receive during adulthood. The HPV vaccine, however, is usually only given up until age 45. )[27] X Research source [28] X Research source [29] X Research source [30] X Research source Don’t skip sex-specific health screenings. It’s not comfortable or validating to get your genitals or breasts examined, but skipping these screenings means you may not catch health issues or cancers early on.
If you can’t switch to a non-transmissible method, try covering up the affected area with clothing or having sex once you’ve washed off your hormones. Injections are generally safe, but reusing or sharing needles can cause infections and transfer hepatitis and HIV. Always use new needles and don’t share them. [32] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source (If you’re out of needles, get new ones at a pharmacy or syringe distribution program, or ask your doctor for them. )[33] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source [34] X Research source
Your doctor should also be able to tell you of any changes or problems you might experience during sex, and have advice for making sex more comfortable. Most surgery does not affect your STI risk. However, if you’ve received a vaginoplasty and your vagina contains tissue from your colon, you’re at higher risk of STIs if you have unprotected vaginal sex. [36] X Research source Depending on what surgery you got, you might have different, reduced, or total loss of sensation even after the site has healed. [37] X Research source You can still explore how to make sex feel good for you, but make sure you’re following safety precautions and taking it slowly so you don’t injure yourself.
Condoms protect from pregnancy; latex, polyurethane, and polyisoprene condoms protect from STIs. [39] X Research source [40] X Research source [41] X Trustworthy Source National Health Service (UK) Public healthcare system of the UK Go to source External condoms are usable for oral, anal, or vaginal sex, while internal condoms can be used for anal or vaginal sex. [42] X Research source Only use one condom at a time. Dental dams protect from STIs. They’re used for oral sex performed on the vagina or the anus. [43] X Research source (Condoms, gloves, and even plastic wrap can be used as makeshift dental dams. [44] X Research source ) Latex and non-latex gloves protect from STIs. They’re used for sex involving the hands, like fingering or fisting the vagina or anus. [45] X Research source Finger cots, also called finger condoms, protect from STIs. They’re typically used for sex involving fingers rather than the full hand, since they only fit one finger per cot—however, it’s also possible to slip them over a post-metoidioplasty penis as a small condom. [46] X Research source (Finger cots can also be placed on enlarged clits, but they need to be used alongside a dental dam to avoid exposing the rest of the genitals. ) Hormonal birth control (like the birth control pill, patch, ring, or IUD) are used to prevent pregnancy in those with a uterus and ovaries. Any AFAB person can use them, though they may cause undesired breast soreness and growth. [47] X Research source PrEP (Pre-Exposure Prophylaxis) and PEP (Post-Exposure Prophylaxis) are daily medications used to prevent and protect against HIV. PrEP is taken for at least a week before intercourse, and is used by those who are at higher risk of HIV exposure. [48] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source PEP is started within 72 hours of possible HIV exposure, is taken for 28 days, and is used after sexual activity with someone who may have had HIV. [49] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source Spermicide as birth control is not recommended. It can cause irritation and increase the risk of STIs. [50] X Research source
Make a dental dam from a glove by cutting down the side of the little finger, and then cutting off the fingers. If desired, the thumb can be left on and placed over an enlarged clit, with the rest of the glove used to cover the vulva and vagina. When using gloves or finger cots, look at the length of the user’s nails. If they have long nails, place a cotton ball into the tips of the glove or cot to act as a barrier. (Nails can cause the glove or cot to break. ) Some people who have had metoidioplasty or phalloplasty might not fit into condoms, even small ones. If this is the case for you, try a finger cot instead. You can also wear a cock ring over a condom to keep it secure—however, only do this if you have sensation in your penis, because cock rings can cut off blood flow. [54] X Research source
Switching methods of sex (for example, anal to vaginal, or oral to anal) Sharing sex toys Sexual activity has lasted 30 minutes or more Changing sexual partners, like in polyamorous sex The previous protection was already used (do not reuse a barrier)
Ask about getting PEP if you might have been exposed to HIV. Take emergency contraception if you’re AFAB, still have your ovaries, and had penis-in-vagina sex. Get tested for STIs if you may have been exposed. STIs don’t show up immediately after they’re contracted, so you usually can’t get tested right away. Ask your doctor about when you should get tested so you can set up follow-up appointments.
Many conditions can cause pain during sex. Don’t assume the cause—get it checked out. If you’re taking medications other than HRT, check the potential side effects. Some medications can cause pain during arousal, sex, or orgasm, or reduce your sex drive (which can make it harder to get in the mood). AFAB people on T can experience vaginal atrophy, which can cause pain even if you use lube. If your doctor determines this is the problem, ask about estrogen creams or suppositories for the vagina; these are designed to only affect the vagina, so it won’t interfere with your T. [59] X Research source
Many conditions can cause pain during sex. Don’t assume the cause—get it checked out. If you’re taking medications other than HRT, check the potential side effects. Some medications can cause pain during arousal, sex, or orgasm, or reduce your sex drive (which can make it harder to get in the mood). AFAB people on T can experience vaginal atrophy, which can cause pain even if you use lube. If your doctor determines this is the problem, ask about estrogen creams or suppositories for the vagina; these are designed to only affect the vagina, so it won’t interfere with your T. [59] X Research source
Affirm your gender as normal—whether that’s binding, stuffing your bra, tucking, or packing. [61] X Research source Some binary trans people prefer to pick clothing and underwear that matches their gender identity; others don’t. Either one is okay as long as you’re comfortable with it. [62] X Research source
AFAB people might consider clit pumps, strokers or masturbation sleeves, or strap-ons or dildos designed for trans men. (If you choose a strap-on or dildo, use a well-fitting harness so it doesn’t move around too much. ) AMAB people might consider vibrators and anal toys. (Make sure any anal toy has a flared base, so that it doesn’t get stuck inside you. [66] X Research source ) Some also might enjoy things like breast inserts or nipple pasties. Regardless of your assigned sex, toys like dildos and vibrators can give you a physical barrier so that you and your partner don’t have to directly touch your genitals. [67] X Research source You can also look for toys that aren’t explicitly or heavily gendered, and opt for more neutral colors where available. (If you do have to buy a gendered toy, don’t be afraid to toss the packaging and store it somewhere else. )
Lube is necessary for anal play, regardless of gender. The anus has very thin skin and doesn’t self-lubricate, and inserting anything without lube will tear the skin. This is painful and increases the risk of STIs. [69] X Research source AFAB people on testosterone should use lube for vaginal play, as T can dry out the vagina and lead to painful sex. [70] X Research source AMAB people who have gotten a vaginoplasty also need lube for vaginal sex; the vagina doesn’t produce enough lubrication on its own. [71] X Research source AMAB people on estrogen may need lube for penis play, as the skin of the penis can thin on estrogen. If you’re AFAB and have had metoidioplasty or phalloplasty, you also need to use plenty of lube for anything involving your penis. Friction can cause small tears in the penis and result in infections. [72] X Research source
For example, if you want to aim for romance, you can try lighting candles, taking a bath together, massaging each other’s bodies, or feeding each other. You can also try more overtly sexual forms of foreplay. Maybe you or your partner enjoys stripteasing, for instance, or you feel comfortable watching porn together. Talking dirty can also be arousing. Use foreplay as an opportunity to grab any needed sex toys and get them ready, like putting on a harness and dildo. You can even integrate sex toys into foreplay if you’d like. If dilation is required—for example, if you’re planning on anal sex or you received a vaginoplasty—work it into your foreplay. It can build anticipation and ensures you’re prepared if you do move to sex.
Use activities that don’t require removing clothes: for example, kissing, petting, and grinding. Try masturbation. You and your partner might masturbate together, or one person can masturbate while the other watches or touches the other non-sexually. Involve manual sex, if you’re comfortable. Manual sex is when you or your partner uses hands or a sex toy on the erogenous zones, and it can be kept fully external. If you and your partner are both over 18 and enjoy erotic photography or videos, try taking some alone or together. Talk to your partner about trying kink, if you’re okay with it. Kink doesn’t need to involve sexual touching, so it can be a good option for some people. (However, always make sure to research how to do something safely before you try it. )
When you’re aroused, you’ll probably get the urge to move your body in ways that feel good to you or affirm your gender. Listen to those urges. [76] X Research source Explore different kinds of touches. Light pressure is different from heavy pressure, hands feel different than tongues, and so on. You and your partner might prefer certain types of touches over others. Don’t feel limited to the nipples and genitals. Kissing, touching, and massaging other parts of the body can feel good, too. Explore each other’s bodies to find what you and your partner like. AMAB transfeminine people may enjoy muffing, which is when they or their partner use a finger to push the testicles into the inguinal canal (much like tucking). [77] X Research source It’s not for everyone, however, so don’t feel bad if you don’t enjoy it.
Get consent before trying something new. Just ask them, “Can I give you a hickey?” or “I want to put the vibrator between your legs. Is that okay?” Ask questions. It doesn’t have to be anything complicated—it can be as simple as “Do you like it when I touch you like that?”, “Does that feel good to you?”, or “Do you want to stop?” Listen to them. They might tell you clearly when they like or dislike something, but they’ll also probably make noise if they’re enjoying themselves. Give them feedback. Tell them when something feels good or isn’t the right spot, guide their hand as needed, or just make noise—sighs, moans, and groans can be informative, too! Don’t be afraid to ask to slow down, stop, or change positions or activities.
If your partner is doing something that just doesn’t arouse you, tell them. Guide them verbally or with your hands, suggest another activity, or ask them to stop. It’s okay to ask to stop or try something else if you’re uncomfortable, or to take a quick break. Sometimes, having a brief period to recollect yourself, talk to your partner, and/or go back to other types of touching can be enough.
Physical dysphoria over your body, voice, or appearance Dysphoria over how you’re perceived, or how you were addressed Discomfort with your role (e. g. being uncomfortable bottoming, because you feel like it’s feminine) Feeling guilty or bad about enjoying something you think you shouldn’t (e. g. using your penis if you’re AMAB) Don’t be afraid to talk about these feelings—whether that’s with your partner, a trusted friend, or a therapist.
Try to figure out what you liked and what caused negative feelings (self-perception? Your relationship? Body dysphoria? What you did or didn’t do? Why you had sex?), so that you can use it as a learning experience and figure out how to work through those feelings. [83] X Research source Every sexual experience is different. It can take time to figure out what works for you and your partner, especially if one or both of you is new to sex. You can’t always predict what you’ll like or how you’ll feel in the moment, either. Not enjoying something or becoming dysphoric doesn’t mean you’ll never enjoy sex. [84] X Research source While negative feelings aren’t unusual, they shouldn’t be overpowering. If your emotions after sex feel too intense or are negatively affecting your sex life, talk to your partner about how you’re feeling, and don’t be afraid to seek out a therapist who can help.
Some people are okay with both giving and receiving sex. Others only want to give or receive, but not both. Are you okay having sex with chasers (i. e. , someone who sees trans people as a fetish)? Or do you only want to have sex with those who don’t fetishize trans people? Consider your sexual health. If you have an STI, you’ll need to disclose that before sex. Are you okay with telling strangers that you have an STI? Think about substances, too, since these are common in hookup scenes. Are you okay with sex after drinking or drug use, or do you want to be sober?
Put it in your hookup/dating profiles, if you use them. (Be aware, though, that some people might send you creepy messages. ) Wear a pin, badge, bracelet, etc. with the trans flag and/or your pronouns. (Don’t expect all cis people to recognize this, however. ) Tell the person over text or email, or give them a phone call. Tell them when you meet in person, before you get intimate.
Telling someone where you’re going and when you expect to be back. Telling someone who you’re meeting, if you’re meeting up with a specific person. Going with a friend or family member, regardless of whether you’re meeting a specific person or just bar-hopping. Having a check-in time where the person calls or texts you to see if you’re okay. Designating a code word or sentence that means “Please come pick me up,” “Call me and pretend I need to get home/pick you up,” and/or “I’m okay. " Sharing your location on your phone so that if you don’t respond, the person can find you or get help.
If you’ve met someone on an app, screenshot their profile in case they delete it. When picking your outfit, skip neck accessories like necklaces or scarves. If the person you’re meeting gets violent, they may choke you with them. Brush and floss your teeth at least half an hour before sex. Any earlier can put you at increased risk of STIs if you give oral sex. Bring lube and protection yourself (whether that’s condoms, gloves, dental dams, or all three). Don’t expect the other person to have them. Don’t bring too much money with you, in case you get robbed. Be aware of your surroundings. Know where you are, and know where you’re going. If you’re consuming alcohol, avoid getting overly drunk. Watch your drink being made, don’t leave drinks unattended, and never accept open drinks. Remember that drugs can be cut with other substances and can be stronger than you expect (and that sharing needles can transmit STIs). If you’re not familiar with something or just have a bad feeling, don’t take it.
Go somewhere well-lit, especially if you’re going out at night. You don’t want to meet in the parking lot if the streetlights don’t work. Have your own way to get back home: bring your own car, go with a friend (or ask them to pick you up), take public transport, or get an Uber, Lyft, or taxi. Do not rely on the person to take you home. [97] X Research source If you do meet in a private place, take a picture of anything identifying—for example, the door, apartment number, or street sign—and send it to yourself. [98] X Research source
Intimate eye contact Getting close to you Touching your leg Gesturing to follow them, or signaling “let’s get out of here” Touching themselves suggestively, or touching/stroking their genitals Touching you suggestively or sexually—e. g. deep kissing, stroking your body, or touching your chest, butt, or genitals Some signals aren’t universal—for example, in some areas, tapping your foot in the stall of a men’s room means you’re there for sex. [101] X Research source Try watching how other people act, as it can give you a good idea of what typical hookup body language is. [102] X Research source
Seem fascinated or obsessed with your gender, but not you as a person Be overly curious or invasive about your transition—for example, asking your deadname or medical transition status Compliment how well you “pass” for cis Comment about their attraction to trans people—e. g. “Enbies are just the cutest,” “I only date pre/post-op women,” or “I’m into much weirder things than trans guys” Use terms that are outdated or incorrect (transsexual, transvestite, crossdresser, hermaphrodite, etc. ) Use slurs related to gender identity, even if it’s supposedly friendly Be pushy or forceful about seeing your genitals or having certain types of sex, even if you say you’re not comfortable with it Misgender you or insult you if you say no or turn them down
“I don’t have sex without condoms. Are you okay with that, or do you want to find another partner?” “I don’t want to be touched, but I’m happy to touch you in any way you want. " “Before we do anything, I want to say I’m not comfortable with butt stuff. Anything else is fair game. " “I wear a tank top underneath my shirt. Leave it on and don’t touch my chest, please. "
“Put on a glove first, please. " “An STI is a lot more uncomfortable than a dental dam. " “You’re allergic to latex? I have latex-free condoms. Here. " “If you won’t use protection, I’m not having sex with you. "
For example, if the person keeps pushing to touch you in ways you don’t like, you can say, “I’ve told you I’m not comfortable with that. I think we’re looking for different things. " If the person starts following you, don’t go home. You don’t want to lead them to your house. Instead, go to a well-lit public place and call the police.
