Saying, “I’ve said I’m sorry a million times - what does s/he want? Blood?” will not mend your marriage. But saying, “I would give anything not to have been so stupid, and seeing how much pain I’ve caused, I am so very sorry and I know it will take time for you to believe me that it will never happen again” will help. Even if you’re saying it for the millionth time.
If your feelings for your affair partner are strong, and your spouse’s negative feeling are equally strong, you may be tempted to seek comfort by “just talking” to your affair partner about what you are going through. This will not mend your marriage. Talk to a counselor instead, to talk out your feelings.
Did you behave in ways that could be considered “unlovable”? Not occasional grumpiness. We all do that. But real, unkind, uncaring, unlovable behavior could cause, even someone who loves us, to go look elsewhere for kindness, compassion, and a tender touch. If you’re cold and withhold yourself from your mate, realize that your spouse got into this relationship for your companionship. If you withhold kindness, tenderness, or sex from your mate, s/he may seek it elsewhere, or end the relationship. It’s not reasonable to believe your spouse would take a vow of celibacy indefinitely. Being kind, tender, and/or sexy with your mate can make a real difference in your relationship. Trust your judgment. This is very hard to do after you’ve discovered your spouse has been involved with someone else. When you find your spouse has been unfaithful, it makes you feel embarrassed, foolish, ashamed, and afraid. It undermines your confidence. It rattles your ability to make even the smallest decisions - where to eat, what to wear. You second-guess every little thing. It’s a terrible time for most people in your situation. You wonder if your whole relationship has been a lie. The good news is, it probably hasn’t been. Think about your relationship and the person you believe your spouse really is. If you believe in him or her, rely on your judgment; believe in yourself and your own ability to make a good decision. Recognize now that you will be unlikely to trust him/her at this point. They have just proven themselves through this action not to be worthy of trust. But in time, this trust may, again, be earned.
Let it go. The injured party will want to hang onto this longer than the one who cheated. The anger and the reactions that ensue are understandable, but verbal abuse is still unacceptable, and will do nothing to heal the marriage. After a certain amount of time, you must let it go, or else the person who had the affair will simply resent your behavior, and become sullen and hardened to this form of punishment. If you continue to berate him, recognize this as contempt, a behavior only seen in troubled marriages. It is now you who is in the wrong. Seek therapy from a skilled marriage counselor or help from clergy, to help you leave this in the past, or else all of your efforts will fail. Nobody will volunteer to be flogged daily forever, even after s/he accepts all blame for doing wrong. If you attempt to turn the punishment phase into a life sentence, your marriage is doomed. [10] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
