Sudden losses, such as those due to trauma, accidents, or crime, may cause a stronger sense of loss (at least immediately) than more predictable losses, such as those due to terminal illness. [3] X Research source
There are many losses you may experience in life. No loss is “greater” or “less” than any other. You simply feel how you feel about loss, and that is okay. Other losses that may cause feelings of grief include leaving home, losing your health, losing a friendship, changing a job, moving away, graduating from school, or losing financial security. If you experience grief in response to an event like one of these, acknowledge that your response is natural. [5] X Research source
Keep in mind that these 5 stages were used to describe a person’s feelings regarding his or her own death and are not a theoretical framework for all grief or loss. References to these stages as universal stages of mourning or grief are inaccurate. [7] X Research source
Many cultures and religions offer guidelines for how to mourn. Mourning is a process you can control to work through your grief. Grief may feel like a rollercoaster. One morning, you may wake up and feel at peace with what has happened. Do not get down on yourself if the next day, you wake up feeling sad again–grief comes and goes. There is no true time frame when it comes to mourning. Your grief may stay with you for weeks or months. The full mourning process may take years, even a lifetime.
Accepting the reality of loss. You must learn to accept loss as a reality both intellectually and emotionally. This can take time. Processing grief. Grief in response to a loss is a natural emotional reaction. It does lessen over time, but the time it takes varies depending on your own needs. Adjusting to the world after loss. There are a variety of adjustments that you may need to make after a loss, including external (such as living without what you lost), internal (questioning your new role in the world), and spiritual (finding new meaning after your loss). Finding a way to connect with your loss while continuing your life. Accepting loss does not mean you must never think about the person or other situation that you have lost. Instead, it means finding ways to honor the connection you had while embarking on life after the loss.
Expressions of grief vary widely not only between individuals but also between cultures and spiritual traditions.
Changes in sleep patterns Changes in appetite (loss of appetite or increase of appetite) Crying Headaches or body aches Weakness or fatigue Feelings of physical heaviness Pain Stress-related symptoms such as nausea, rapid heart rate, or insomnia Weight loss or weight gain
Shock or disbelief Sadness, emptiness, or yearning Loneliness or feeling isolated Guilt or regret Anger Fear or worry Panic attacks Frustration Anxiety Depression Questioning your spiritual or religious beliefs You may also experience positive emotions, such as relief or peace, particularly if you have experienced a prolonged loss such as the death of a person with a terminal illness. These feelings can trigger feelings of guilt or disloyalty, as you may feel ashamed that you are experiencing positive emotions. Acknowledge that these feelings are also a natural part of the grief experience. [18] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source
Emotional shock. The child may appear much less expressive of their feelings than usual. They may refuse to talk about the loss. Regressive or immature behaviors. The child may appear to “regress” to an earlier stage of behavior, such as needing to be rocked, experiencing separation anxiety, fearing going to school, sucking the thumb, wetting the bed, needing to sleep with a parent, or having difficulty completing tasks or activities that they usually do not have trouble with. Explosive behavior and misbehaving. The child may “act out” or explode with sudden bursts of emotion. These emotions commonly include feelings of anger, frustration, confusion, or helplessness. Misbehaving in ways that are not common for the child may be a way for him or her to try to assert some control over the situation. Repeating questions. The child may ask the same question repeatedly, even if given the same answer. This may signal that the child is having difficulty understanding or accepting the reality of the situation. Defensive behavior. This is common in early school-aged children to adolescents. Defensive behavior attempts to “distract” the child from his or her feelings. They may get more engrossed in schoolwork, socializing, games, or other activities. They may also deny feeling loss to parents or authority figures but feel comfortable talking about feelings with peers. [21] X Research source Physical symptoms. Grief and anxiety often manifest themselves in physical symptoms, particularly in very young children. Symptoms such as headaches and stomachaches are common. [22] X Research source The child may also have trouble sleeping and may experience loss of appetite. [23] X Research source
Focus on little or nothing other than your loss Extreme focus on or avoidance of reminders of your loss Prolonged denial of the loss Feeling that life is meaningless or purposeless Inability to trust others Inability to think about positive experiences or feelings Extreme irritability or agitation
Make sure that you give yourself time each day to just be by yourself. While you may feel like you need to act a certain way in public, you need to allow yourself time each day to let out your emotions. Whether than means taking some time to just sit and cry, or reflecting upon what you have lost, do so in a private space where you can really let yourself feel.
This could be creating a scrapbook or photo album of your loved one’s life, writing in a journal each day, creating artwork like a painting or sculpture that expresses what you are feeling, or taking up something, like volunteering at an organization, that was important to your loved one. Personal rituals may also help you process your grief. While we are accustomed to public rituals, such as funerals or sitting shiva, significant evidence suggests that personal, private rituals are equally important for expressing and processing grief. You may find that experiencing a reminder of your loved one, such as a favorite song or activity, causes feelings of sadness but also of connection to the loss. [29] X Research source Physical activities, such writing down your feelings and then tearing up or burning the paper, may also be helpful. Do things that you find allow you to express your grief in a helpful way.
One good example of this is crying. Many people believe that crying is the best way to express grief but that eventually you should just stop crying. Crying if you feel the need or desire to cry will help you relieve tension and may help you feel better physically. It is important to remember, however, that some people don’t express their grief with tears, and that is perfectly fine. It is also important to remember that there is a not a timeframe for crying. You may cry over your loss years from when the loss actually happened, and that is okay too. [31] X Research source Trying to make yourself feel a certain way because you feel you “should” experience that feeling is also unhelpful. Allow yourself to feel whatever it is you feel, even if your emotions are not what you expected or have been told is “acceptable. ”
Eat a healthy, balanced diet with plenty of fresh fruits and vegetables, whole grains, and lean proteins. Getting enough B12, vitamin D, selenium, and omega-3 fatty acids may help relieve feelings of anxiety or sadness. [33] X Research source Avoid highly processed foods and foods with a lot of fat or sugar. These may worsen feelings of depression. [34] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Avoid consuming too much caffeine, as it can increase your feelings of anxiety or depression. [35] X Research source Get at least 30 minutes of moderate physical exercise per day. Numerous studies show that exercise can help relieve symptoms of anxiety and depression. [36] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Try to keep a healthy sleep routine by going to bed and waking up at the same time each day. Visualization techniques and pre-sleep meditation may help with insomnia. [37] X Research source
Turning to alcohol is response to grief is slightly more common among men than women. [38] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Alcohol is a depressant that can cause symptoms of depression and anxiety. It also interferes with REM sleep and can affect your judgment and your mood. [39] X Research source The National Institute on Alcohol Abuse and Alcoholism recommends that most women drink no more than 1 drink per day, and that most men drink no more than 2 drinks per day. [40] X Research source If you believe you have a problem with alcohol, you can call the Substance Abuse and Mental Health Services Administration hotline at 1-800-662-HELP. [41] X Research source Support programs such as Alcoholics Anonymous may also help you. You may be prescribed medication to help you deal with symptoms of grief, such as depression. Use these as prescribed by your doctor. Avoid illegal drugs and substances, as they often make depression and anxiety worse and can seriously affect your judgment and mood. [42] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source Experiences of grief and trauma may trigger eating disorders in some people. If you feel unable to control your eating behaviors, or the desire to control them too strictly, seek help from a mental health professional. [43] X Trustworthy Source National Eating Disorders Association Nonprofit organization dedicated to supporting individuals and communities affected by eating disorders Go to source
If you feel comfortable doing this and think that it will help rather than hurt you, you might consider picking up a passion that your loved one was involved in. This might make you feel closer to your loved one. However, if doing the activity only inspires great sadness, you may want to try something else.
If you have recently lost a child and seeing children at the grocery store with their parents triggers your grief, plan on going to the grocery store at a different time of day when it is less likely to see children. If you are planning on spending a holiday with your family, and you have recently lost a loved one, ask your family to help you come up with a way to honor that loved one during the holiday. Focus on the good things about your relationship with your loved one. It’s important to acknowledge the feelings of grief that may occur after a triggering experience. Try to acknowledge that you feel grief because you had a deep connection to your loved one, and then think about something that makes you feel joy about that connection. For example, you might feel sadness when you smell peach pie because your late grandmother and you always made peach pie together when you visited her. Acknowledge your grief about your grandmother, and then consider a way to honor your connection to her, such as making a pie on your own or looking through a favorite cookbook. [46] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source
Yoga and meditation are both excellent ways to pamper the mind, body, and soul all at once. Let yourself simply be in the moment and let go of the negative energy you hold in your heart.
Let your loved ones, co-workers, and friends know what has happened if you feel comfortable doing so. Alerting them to your situation will help them to understand why they might find you crying in the middle of the day (which is a perfectly fine thing to do!). Talking with friends and family members may also help you understand how your cultural background informs how you experience grief. [49] X Research source
You can look up grief support groups in your community by searching online or looking at listings posted on community boards in your town. If you are religious, you may also want to consider finding out if your place of worship offers support groups.
A common myth about seeking counseling is that if you are getting support from family and friends that you don’t “need” counseling. However, a trained mental health professional can offer support that your loved ones cannot. A counselor or therapist can help you identify unhelpful ways of thinking or behaving. S/he can help you learn healthy coping techniques and ways to process your feelings. Seeing a counselor or therapist does not mean you are not well-supported elsewhere in your life. It means that you are seeking as many sources of support as you need, which is healthy and courageous. [53] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Helping others can also help you feel better physically. [58] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Research has linked exercises of compassion and generosity, such as giving to charity or volunteering, to an increase in oxytocin, a hormone that promotes feelings of connection and wellbeing. [59] X Trustworthy Source Greater Good Magazine Journal published by UC Berkeley’s Greater Good Science Center, which uses scientific research to promote happier living Go to source
Try to focus on positive memories and things you loved about your relationship. You will likely still feel sadness, but you will also be able to feel joy and pleasure in remembering what made the person so special to you. [61] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Do not feel like you have to avoid remembrances or tokens of your loved one. It can be healthy and helpful to keep a beloved memento or photograph around. Do what feels best for you.
If you are telling yourself, “this can’t be happening to me”, you are experiencing denial. Slowly, you will be able to come to terms with the fact that it did happen, and that you have the strength to get through it.
You may also feel guilt, particularly when you recognize that you are angry at someone that could not stop the event that has led to your loss. In turn, you may feel more angry that you feel guilty. Just know that these feelings will subside as you work through your mourning.
There is a difference between mourning and complicated grief or clinical depression. Even when you are mourning, you will still find things that make you smile or lift your spirits, even if it is just for a moment. You will continue to live your life, despite the grief you feel. If you are clinically depressed, or are experiencing complicated grief, you will not be able to find even the smallest amount of joy in anything, even after a good deal of time has passed. You may find it hard to accept that your loss has occurred. You will find it hard to do anything, even normal daily activities, and may feel hopeless. If you feel that the latter description fits what you feel, talk to a mental health professional. [67] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source
You may feel a sense of guilt for moving on with your life, but know that your loved one would want you to be happy and to truly enjoy the life that you have.
