“You’re the most beautiful person I’ve ever met. ” “You’re the only one who understands me. ” “I’m lost without you. ” “You’ve made all my dreams come true. ”
He asks to be exclusive after your first date. He proposes after a few months of dating. He’s calling you his “love” or his “wife” after a handful of dates. He says “I love you” before he’s gotten to know you.
He might say, “You’re the only one I need,” or “You’re the only person who matters to me. ” He may start expecting you to solve all of his problems, which just isn’t possible. When you can’t, he’ll get upset with you.
“I only hit her one time. ” “You didn’t see the way they talked to me. ” “He started that fight. ”
It may seem really sweet at first. He might start with, “What’s your schedule tomorrow?” or “Tell me everything you did today. ” Eventually, this may progress to things like, “Where are you right now?” or “Text me a pic of where you are. ” He may start telling you what you can and cannot wear. It’s okay for your guy to show an interest in your day. However, he shouldn’t press you to tell him everything, and you shouldn’t have to tell him where you are every minute.
“Who are you texting?” “Why is that guy looking at you? He needs to mind his business. ” “I don’t like that other guys are talking to you. ” “You were with Lizzie all weekend. Why do you need to see her again?” “I’m jealous because I love you. ”
At first, he might trash talk your family and friends, saying things like, “Your friends are so mean to you,” “I don’t like that your mom questions our relationship,” or “It seems like your sister is jealous of you and doesn’t want you to be happy. ” He’s saying these things to drive a wedge between you and your loved ones. Later, he might make rules about who you can contact or spend time with.
“My ex was so crazy. ” “My ex was always starting drama. ” “I just can’t catch a break. ” “My boss just hates me. ” “I’m only yelling at you because you won’t listen. ” “Why do you make me act like this?”
Let’s say your man is late picking you up, and you say, “I was getting worried. " A normal response might be, “Sorry, I got caught in traffic. " An abusive guy might get upset and say something like, “I’m a busy man! You’re so ungrateful!” Maybe you pointed out his messy hat hair and said, “Your hair looks so cute when it’s sticking up everywhere. ” A normal response might be, “Thanks,” or “I fixed it just for you. ” An abuser might get mad and say, “I’m sorry I can’t look perfect all the time. ”
He might say you’re the love of his life one minute and then blame you for all his problems the next. While you’re out, he may dote on you and be super sweet. As soon as you’re home, though, he might lash out about something you did “wrong. ” One moment he’ll be bringing you flowers, but later he’ll destroy them because he’s mad at you.
“I don’t know why they gave the promotion to Alex when I clearly deserve it. ” “I’m going to see if this guy will let me cut in line. ” “Why is our food taking too long? I’m going to yell at the manager. ” “I can’t believe my mom only sent me $20 for my birthday this year. ”
He may handle his pets—or your pet—roughly. Even if he says he’s playing, it’s still not okay. He might yell at animals or even kick them. These are all warning signs that he’s abusive.
This might include things like biting you during sex, spanking you, or doing “moves” you told him you don’t like. If you haven’t consented to something, it’s not okay. Talk to a therapist about what happened to help you heal. Going through this type of abuse is very difficult, and you might need help coping with it.
“You don’t look good in that. ” “Wow, you’re putting on a lot of weight. ” “Your degree was an easy one. ” “I like your fat thighs. ” “I’m going to start calling you ‘cheese butt. ’”
“You might not notice this, but you yell a lot when you’re frustrated. It really scares me, and I’d like for you to lower your voice. ” “It really makes me anxious when you raise your voice. I’d appreciate it if you spoke more calmly. ”
He might say things like, “That’s not what happened,” “You heard me wrong,” or “You’re always taking things out of context. ” Here’s a list of common gaslighting phrases, along with advice on how to respond.
He may decide that you can’t go out unless he’s with you. He might declare that you’re responsible for cooking and cleaning. He could try to make decisions for you.
He sabotages your job or refuses to let you work. He takes your paychecks. He gives you an allowance. He tracks all the money you spend.
He might say things like, “I’ll force you to get in the car if I have to,” “If I see you with him again, I’m going to blow up,” or “Don’t make me take matters into my own hands. ” Some abusers prefer to make silent threats. In that case, he might show you a gun that he owns or make a show of playing with his pocket knife. If you’re LGBTQ+, he may try to use your sexuality against you, which is never okay. If a man threatens to out you or expose your sexual history, he’s acting abusive, so reach out for support. Also, remember that there’s nothing wrong with you, so don’t feel bad about being who you are.
You might excuse yourself to go shopping. Say, “I need to go to the store to pick up dinner. I’ll be right back. " Stay there until he calms down. If you can, call someone for help or to pick you up. Tell them that your partner is being aggressive before they get there. If you want to stay with this guy, ask him to attend couple’s therapy with you. He needs to work on his anger issues because it’s not okay from him to act this way.
It’s abusive if he hits you, slaps you, pulls your arm, kicks you, strangles you, restrains you, or bumps into you hard on purpose. After a man abuses you, he’ll usually be super nice for a while to “make things up to you. ” This is called the honeymoon phase, and it will end. Trust us, this is a pattern of behavior for this guy. Get help as soon as you experience any form of abuse. He may apologize and promise it won’t happen again, but it likely will. You deserve to be treated well!
You have to pretend your male coworkers are female so he won’t get mad. You’re afraid to tell him you have plans with your friends. You can’t open up about your feelings because he might blow up at you. You can’t wear certain clothes around him. You feel like you can’t be yourself when you’re with him.
