Some people will “play fight,” such as if she grew up wrestling her brother or trying to push him onto a couch. However, this play isn’t meant to cause harm, and both parties consent to it. Some people kick someone under the table, or play slap them, if they say something rude. However, these shouldn’t cause real pain and shouldn’t be upsetting to the recipient. If she breaks things when upset, notice (1) whose things she breaks, and (2) who cleans up. If she’s truly losing control, her things are just likely to be broken as yours. And if she’s remorseful, she’ll clean it up herself. But if she only breaks your things, and then has you clean it up, it’s a power play. Abusers are often very good at hiding their true selves, so they might not give any obvious signs until you’re in it deep. Even then, they’ll keep you questioning it. This is the nature of the abuser, and it’s not your fault for not seeing it.
Calling other people “crazy” is a red flag in general: it’s dismissive and shows that the person may not think highly of people who don’t act like the person wants.
A long history of making enemies often means trouble.
There’s a difference between hiding genuine pain because she’s not ready to share, and hiding secrets because she knows you wouldn’t like what she’s done. Are her motives honest, or manipulative?
Notice the difference between joking bragging and excessive bragging.
Do you feel overwhelmed by how much she tries to contact you? Does she try to get involved in every aspect of your life: friends, family, etc. ? A secure woman will feel comfortable letting you have some time to yourself, because she trusts you’ll always come back to her. If you feel pressured, tell her that you want to take it slowly. Say you’d be more comfortable that way. If she listens, then she’s excited but clearly respectful of you. If she refuses to accept your boundaries, then it may be time to break it off.
Sometimes people will tell white lies (like “yes, I like your tie”). This is ordinary and not a big deal. As you two become close, she should be open about exes (if they come up), and whether she’s seeing them at all in her life. Don’t expect her to share everything with you. She doesn’t need to tell you what she ate for breakfast, or the precise details of her time with friends. A good relationship has a healthy balance of truth-telling: saying the things that are important, and leaving out minor details that don’t matter.
If she badmouths her past dates, she may talk the same way about you later. Consider if she conflates facts and feelings, or calls names. “I felt really pressured and uncomfortable, so I broke it off” is different from “My ex girlfriend was an obsessive stalker-like creep. " A mature woman might say things like “We were a bad match” or “He wanted so much space I didn’t feel like his girlfriend anymore,” acknowledging two perspectives. She may have had a few experiences that were completely the other person’s fault (e. g. an abusive ex). But, depending on the circumstances, she won’t always place 100% of the blame on the other person.
A girlfriend with an anxiety disorder might get very worried sometimes, need reassurance, and hyperventilate over things that feel small or overblown to you (such as thinking you’ll leave her even though there’s no way you would). A girlfriend with bipolar disorder may have mood swings she can’t control. [4] X Research source An autistic girlfriend might be sensitive, act eccentric at times, and have awful crying episodes when she gets overwhelmed. She just needs to “cry it out” and rest, and then she’ll be back to normal.
If you don’t know why she’s doing something, tell her “I don’t understand why you ____. Could you explain your point of view to me?” In rare cases, her perspective might be something to understand but not honor. You don’t have to give up your boundaries or tolerate abuse. For example, if her goal is to insult you and make you feel that only she will love you, that is terrible and wrong.
For example, if she wants more time with her friends, and you are worried about drifting apart, perhaps you two decide that she has a girl’s night on Friday, and then comes back to watch a movie, snuggle, and relax with you. This could start a tradition that you both enjoy. Or if she wants to talk on the phone for a long time but you have a deadline, you could tell her that you have 15 minutes, devote those minutes completely to her, and then tell her you’ll be able to talk more tomorrow.
For example, “I feel overwhelmed when you send a lot of texts in a short period of time. If you just send me one, I’ll text back as soon as I’m able. " Or “I felt hurt when you teased me about my haircut. " A good girlfriend will listen to “I” statements, and try to avoid upsetting you again.
If you feel pressured, say so. Ask that she give you a little space when you’re elsewhere, and trust that you’ll come back ready to devote time to her. Similarly, let her have her own privacy and time alone or with friends. You don’t need to know every detail of her life. This is important in showing that you trust her.
Don’t stay in order to “fix” a girl’s issues. That’s not your job, and she’s the one who needs to take the initiative. You can be supportive if she wants to change, but you can’t change her.
Don’t invite her over. If she leaves lots of messages, give one message asking her to stop contacting you. Then block her if she continues. Tell your family and friends that you are broken up and don’t want to see her anymore. Ask your mutual friends not to talk about it with you. Explain that you don’t want them to take sides; you just want to move on.
Get advice from supportive loved ones. Ask a counselor or trained expert for advice if your girlfriend scares you. Don’t go back to her. She may draw you back in. Even if it seems nice or she says she’s changed, change takes time and the will to change, and it’s likely it’ll be just the same. [7] X Research source
