Acknowledge your grief. It doesn’t matter what other people think or say about getting on with it. Unacknowledged grief will gnaw away at you if you don’t face it and let yourself be upset for a time. Allow the grief to work through your system. Treat yourself. While going through the hardship of grief, don’t neglect yourself. Have a regular massage, go to a movie now and then, buy your favorite expensive chocolate box, etc. All sadness and no happy moments is a recipe for continued blues. Consider having a “letting go” ritual. Having a ritual in which you “let go” of your children as they turn into adults, and let go of the active parenting role, can be an important and cathartic way to help you to move on. Talk to your spouse about your feelings. He or she may be feeling similar emotions. Consider keeping a journal to document your journey. Prayer or meditation may also help.
Avoid creating a shrine out of your child’s bedroom. Eliminate some of the clutter, but carefully place your child’s keepsakes in safe storage. Write down all the things you’d promised yourself you’d get around to doing one day. Now is the time to start doing them. Build new friendships or revive lapsed ones. Take up a new hobby or interest. Or revive an old one that you allowed to lapse while raising children. Go back to school or university. Restart a career – either pick up where you left off or start a new one. Consider volunteering. Try participating in charities.
If you don’t know that your children are leaving until the last minute, don’t panic. Accept that this is happening and be enthusiastic for them, offering your support at any time it is needed. It is better for your children to know that you support them, love them, and are willing to be of help to them than to see you fretting and worrying.
Let your kids know that your home is their permanent base, for whenever they need or want to return home. This provides both you and your children with a very secure sense of belonging and safety.
Make sure they have a decent cell phone that can connect easily to networks and will last the year. [3] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021. Schedule a weekly call-in time. [4] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021. While you may feel tempted to call more often than this, it will become a burden unless they choose to do so, so try not to expect too much from them. Be sensitive to their need to grow and become their own adult person. Use email or texting for all the in-between things you’d like to share. [5] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021.
Psychologists consider that the transition from being an actively involved mom to being an independent woman again takes around 18 months to two years. This means that it’s vital to allow yourself the time to grieve, work through the loss, and rebuild your life is important. Be gentle on yourself and the expectations that you have.
If your children were the only bonding force in your marriage, you and your spouse may need to work on your own relationship. Seek couples counseling if you feel this would assist the transition back to being alone together again. Acceptance that this is a difficult time of transition can allow both of you to forgive the uncertainties and messiness of growing together as a couple without kids again. It can help if you develop the mindset that you expect your spouse or partner to have changed at least a little. After all, both of you have aged a lot since meeting and you’ve been through many different experiences during the times of raising your children, experiences that probably neither of you envisaged when you first fell in love. Spend more time with your spouse or partner and get to know them again. [7] X Expert Source Steven Hesky, PhDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 2 September 2021. Allow time for your relationship to blossom anew. This can be an exciting time of rejuvenation for both of you. Sometimes, none of this will patch up the reality that you’ve grown apart. If you realize that your relationship is beyond repair, talk it through or seek support, to enable you to reach a decision that will enable both of you to move on happily into the future.
You may notice that the refrigerator does not need refilling quite as often. This means less trips to the grocery store and less cooking required! Romance with your spouse may increase. The two of you have time and space now to return to being just a couple; make the most of it. If you used to do all of your children’s laundry, there will be a lot less washing and ironing for you to do now. Try not to give in to doing it again when they return home for breaks. Expecting them to have grown up enough to do this for themselves is an important step to letting them grow up. You’ve got your bathroom back. Smaller water, phone and electricity bills will help you save money. And that saved money can be put toward a vacation with your spouse or friends! Feel extremely proud of yourself for having raised children who are capable of going out into the world and surviving and thriving on their own. Give yourself a pat on the back.
