Examples of possible wrongdoings — you might have wronged your spouse through cheating, broken someone’s trust by lying, or gone against your moral or ethical code by stealing something.
For example, if you cheated on your partner, they may ask you why you did it. If you seriously want to overcome the cheating and make your relationship work, blaming your partner for your cheating is not the answer. Instead you need to answer honestly about why you went ahead with the cheating — e. g. because you did not have enough confidence to talk to your partner about your needs and instead turned somewhere else to get satisfaction.
In this conversation (or multiple conversations) this person is simply expressing emotions — rational or not. You don’t need to agree to listen. But at the same time you need to realize that these are emotions, and emotions don’t always make sense.
For example, if you shoplifted don’t say you did it because all your friends do it too. This is an excuse where you are attempting to remove any personal blame for your personal actions. This type of excuse will not get back the trust of the person you betrayed.
Regret doesn’t mean you admit you did anything hurtful on purpose. It means you realize that what you did was hurtful to another person and you’re sorry you hurt that person. Some examples of how you can apologize such that you show your sincerity and regret are: I’m very sorry for what I did. I really regret having hurt you. I am so sorry. I realize I hurt your feelings and I feel absolutely awful about it.
Some examples of how you can apologize such that you take responsibility are: I am very sorry. I know you’ve had trouble trusting people and me lying to you hasn’t made that any better. I should not have lied to you. I am so sorry. There is absolutely no good excuse for what I did. I know I hurt you and I take full responsibility for that.
Some examples of how you can apologize such that you offer a remedy are: I am so sorry I made us late for the movie and we missed the start. Next time we go to the movies, it’s on me! I regret having lied to you yesterday. It was totally the wrong thing to do and I will never do it again. I’m sorry for treating you so badly at the meeting, I really do not know what got into me. I will do everything in my power to make sure that I never act like that again.
Start by realizing you made a mistake and there are no good excuses for why it happened. Think about what you did and how it’s affected other people. Think about how you’d feel if you were on the receiving end. Recognize that humans make mistake and you are just a human. Forgive yourself for making the mistake and try to eliminate your feeling of guilt. Work to forgive the other person, if required. If the mistake you made was because you’re in a conflict with this other person, you may also need to forgive them before you can apologize. In a situation like this you need to be the bigger person and recognize your mistake and take responsibility for it, even if the other person refuses to do so. Plan out how you’re going to apologize, including what you’re going to say, how you’re going to make amends, and where you’re going to present the apology. Try not to apologize without at least a little bit of preparation or you may get tangled up in what you’re saying if you’re really nervous.
When you talk to the person you’ve wronged, specifically tell this person you’ll follow-up after a certain period of time. Allow the person to inform you if more or less time is needed, or how the decision will be communicated. Different situations require different amounts of time. If you forgot your wife’s birthday, she might need 24 hours to cool down and give you an answer. But if you hit a neighbour’s dog or crashed someone else’s car, several days or weeks may be needed to determine the best possible method for you to make amends.
Listen intently to the person in an environment free from distractions. If you’re in a crowded coffee shop or in a place with TVs playing in the background, suggest relocating somewhere with less distractions. Do not lose focus of the fact that the person is talking. If you’re too tired or have something on your mind that isn’t allowing you to fully concentrate, maybe this isn’t the best time to have this conversation. Avoid trying to defend yourself if the person is upset or angry. This person may simply need some time to vent because you hurt them. Your job at this point is simply to listen. Pay attention to your own body language. Look directly at the person talking. Make sure your facial expression is appropriate for what is being said. Don’t cross your arms in front of you. Nod or say yes to encourage the person to continue talking. Repeat back to the person what was said in order to ensure you fully understand and to show the person you were sincerely paying attention.
This is especially important if you’ve wronged someone. Your initial thinking when you wronged them may have been that your perspective was the ‘right’ perspective, or that you were doing it for the right reasons. Re-evaluate that now and take a moment to understand the perspectives you did not consider before.
Show yourself self-compassion by writing yourself a letter. Pretend you’re someone else and write the letter to yourself providing advice and showing compassion. Write down the negative thoughts or criticisms you’re saying or thinking to yourself. Read them over and consider whether you’d actually say those things to a friend.
Alternatively, you may have had a bad experience previously that is making you fearful of trying it again. For example, maybe you had a car accident when you were learning to drive, so you never bothered to get your driver’s license. Don’t allow this one mistake in your past to cause you to suffer in the future. If you’ve wronged someone you may be hesitant to put yourself in a similar situation in the future for fear that you’ll repeat your mistake. Realize that you now know what you did wrong and you can focus on not repeating that mistake — you do not need to avoid the situation.
Your real self is who you want to be for your own personal reasons. It is not the self your parents or teachers wanted you to be for their reasons. Showing your real self to others can not only be liberating, it can build deep relationships with those people. You may find yourself being able to relax around these people because you know they trust you and they won’t judge you. You may have wronged someone based on a preconceived notion you subconsciously learned as a child. You are now feeling ashamed of yourself because the notions you used in the situation are not ones you actually believe in.
The reality is that you wronged someone. This reality will be hard to face and admit, but in order to heal and get past the hurt, you have to acknowledge the reality of what you did.
If you find yourself dwelling on something, do something to distract yourself. Watch your favourite movie, read an interesting book, colour, go for a walk outside, etc. Knowing you’ve wronged someone does mean you’re going to have to think about what you did, and think about potential solutions to the problem(s) you caused. But it doesn’t mean you have to dwell on the situation endlessly. Dwelling can lead to stress and anxiety.
