In the heat of the moment, your emotions can cloud your judgment. That means that it’s hard to think straight, and you could end up saying things that aren’t exactly helpful in fixing the situation. How you feel is very important, and it’s a big part of regaining trust, but it’s also not productive if you don’t step away for a little bit. It’s going to be hard not to think about what happened, but try to. [2] X Research source At least for a little while. Do something so engaging that you become completely enthralled in the now — go away to a cabin by the lake with your friends, go rock climbing and sweat a little, or have a great conversation with a total stranger. For the time being, forget what happened. Try doing activities to help build you self-esteem back up, like playing music, volunteering, or even just talking with friends. [3] X Expert Source Kelli Miller, LCSW, MSWPsychotherapist Expert Interview. 11 June 2020.
Take a look at the simplest things in life that you still have. Your friends, family, and health are three profound things that you most likely still have, even if the person who betrayed you feels connected to each one of those things. Fall in love again with just how lucky you are to have these things. Try to look at the positive side of things. It may seem funny to think of a betrayal as having positive aspects, but it’s certainly possible. Here’s the big one: You’ve learned a lot about the other person as well as about yourself. If you choose to continue the relationship, you’ll want to use these teachings to make sure it doesn’t happen again.
Ask yourself: Are you doing this for yourself or in order to hurt the other person? If you’re doing this for yourself, then go ahead — you earned it. But if you’re doing something in order to hurt the person who hurt you, ditch the need to “get back at” the other person. When you try to put back together the pieces of your relationship, these actions will only stand in the way of making everything good again.
Listen to your friends, but take anything they say with a grain of salt. They’re probably somewhat disconnected from what happened, and they have a natural tendency to want to comfort you. (That’s part of what they’re there for. ) Just don’t take for granted that they know everything that’s going on, or that they know what’s best for your relationship.
What was the relationship like before the incident? Did you have fun and laugh frequently? Or did you feel like it was a constant chore and you were doing most, if not all, of the work. Did you feel listened to? Was your word as important as theirs? Were lines of communication free and open, or closed and constrained? Did you feel that you could rely on this person? Was the relationship balanced or was it one-sided and not in your favor? Was the betrayal out of character or, in retrospect, might you have seen this coming? Does the person have a history of breaking the trust of their friends or lovers?
Are you in a relationship because you need someone to complete you? This may be a problem. Asking someone to complete you is an impossible task. Only you can do that. If you’re in a relationship because you need one in order to feel “whole”, you should probably consider taking a break from dating. Are you asking for people to hurt you? Do you always date the same kind of person — the person who ends up hurting you in a fiery, dramatic spectacle? You might subconsciously be asking to be hurt because you don’t think you deserve better. Well, you do. Improve your self esteem and don’t settle for the kind of person you know will hurt you.
Identify three to five things you value most in a relationship. For some people laughter and emotional support will be among their top needs. For others, intellectual stimulation is a top priority. Using your grading system, determine whether or not this person is meeting your needs and is compatible with your values. For example, if the person shares all your values and did an excellent job of meeting your needs except for the betrayal, it might be a good idea to give them a second chance. On the other hand, if the person doesn’t really share any of your values but is an overall good person, the betrayal might mean it’s time to move on.
Was it a calculated deceit, for example a cheating spouse, malicious gossip or sabotage by a co-worker? Was it accidental, like crashing your car or spilling the beans on a secret? Was it a one-time slip, or does the incident represent a long-standing pattern of behavior? Consider the circumstances: Is your friend or loved one going through a particularly trying time and could this have played a part in the injury?
Mild offenses include blurting a secret, telling ‘white’ lies (lies that are told to spare your feelings, as opposed to lies told to deceive you) and complimenting your romantic partner in a way that may have seemed flirtatious. These tend to be accidental and one-time incidents. Generally, if you express your concerns, they are met with an immediate and sincere apology and a promise to be more mindful of your feelings in the future. Moderate offenses include gossiping about you, regularly borrowing money but rarely repaying you and regular disrespect. These behaviors reflect a lack of consideration and selfishness. It can be difficult to confront someone who seems indifferent to your feelings, but sometimes people are just oblivious. These flawed behaviors can be sometimes be talked through and resolved. Severe betrayals include stealing a significant amount of money, infidelity, spreading malicious gossip or lies, and sabotaging you at work or in some other endeavor. These are calculated betrayals, the perpetrator is aware of the grief he or she will cause and does it anyway. In such cases, you may need to seek professional guidance to salvage the relationship, if indeed you decide to forgive.
Discuss the event. Explain how you interpreted the event and why you were hurt. Avoid accusatory language. Give the other person the opportunity to explain the situation from their perspective. Establish your expectations and ask what is expected of you. This will help clarify the cause of the current problem, as well as avoid future disagreements. Don’t expect to get through talking about the incident in one sitting. Make that clear to your friend or partner. The healing process is going to take some time, and that person should be prepared to talk about it for some time. If they’re not prepared to, that’s a sign that they may not care as much about mending the relationship as you do.
Someone makes a snide comment about your appearance because he or she feels unattractive. A partner flirts to feel desirable, not because you are unloving or unlovable. A friend is hyper-competitive because she feels inadequate. You are sabotaged by a co-worker because he fears his work is inadequate.
Don’t constantly live in fear of the same betrayal happening again. Try to get back to normal as much as possible. If you find yourself living in the constant shadow of the betrayal, that’s a sign that it’s time to get out — both for your sake and for the other person’s.
