Standing you or others up at a date or other meet-up Expecting others to accommodate them, regardless of how convenient it is Refusing to do anything to help you unless they can expect something in return
Making passive-aggressive comments about other people’s abilities Boastful claims that aren’t backed up by reality, i. e. “I’m the best employee here” An unwillingness to listen to others
If you’ve noticed that none of the people that someone spends time with ever stand up to them or offer them anything but praise, they may be a narcissist. Narcissists tend to be more vulnerable than most people—to protect themselves, they surround themselves with others who pose no threat to their self-worth.
Covert narcissists have a tendency to play the victim. They may say something like, “I don’t know why everyone is ganging up on me” in response to even neutral feedback. [1] X Research source
For example, a covert narcissist in a romantic relationship might say something like, “I don’t know why you would even think that I was into you like that. ” Or, a covert narcissist colleague at work could say, “If you needed me to help you with this project, you should have made your expectations more clear. ” If you feel like you’re being gaslighted, try talking to a friend or other neutral party about the situation. They can help you by reaffirming that your interpretation of the events isn’t wrong.
When a covert narcissist treats you poorly, ask yourself why other people don’t treat you the same way. This can be a good reminder that a covert narcissist’s perception of you isn’t reality. If a narcissist is harming your sense of self-worth and inner peace, practicing meditation or mindfulness exercises can give you a sense of emotional strength.
“Thanks for sharing your perspective. I’d like to say a few words now. ” “I’ve heard what you have to say and will consider it. It’s my turn to speak. ” “I understand where you’re coming from. Could you give me a chance to respond?”
“I know that you feel frustrated at work. But calling our colleagues names and demeaning them is unacceptable behavior, and I’ll have to make a complaint if you continue doing it. ” “I realize that you care about me. But humiliating me in front of our friends hurts me, and if you do this again, I’m going to leave whatever event we’re at. ” “I know that you’re trying to be a good mom. But when you continue to talk over me, I feel unheard. If you keep doing this on our calls, I’m going to hang up. ”
Creating distance can look like a lot of things. For example, you may decide to call a narcissistic family member less often. Tell them something like, “I think we need some space, and I’m going to start checking in on you once a month. ” Or, with a covert narcissist friend, you could decide to end the friendship altogether.
Your friends and family are also good people to talk to about the covert narcissist. They can give you a helpful outside perspective on the dynamics of your relationship.
