Afterward, once you get past the initial shock, you can have a deeper conversation about the diagnosis and what you can offer. Some other expressions of support you can use at this moment could be “I’m here if you want to talk about it” or “I’m going to keep you in my thoughts. ” Saying something like, “Honestly, I can’t imagine going through what you’re going through. If you need me to give you support, I will give you support. If you need me to be there with you, I will be there for you. "
“Who have you spoken to about this?” or “How have you found your doctors so far?” are questions that show you want to listen. A good listener asks questions, so there’s no need to be totally silent. Crying is okay during this kind of conversation, whether it’s you or your friend. There’s no need to feel bad about it, or to try and cheer yourself or your friend up. You don’t have to control your emotions. [3] X Trustworthy Source Cancer Research UK U. K. -based cancer research and advocacy charity Go to source
Instead of dictating their emotions with phrases like “Stay positive!” try to affirm whatever emotional experience they’re going through. Opt for phrases like, “I think that what you’re feeling right now is a totally reasonable reaction to have. ” Don’t say you understand how they feel, as each person’s feelings are different. Whatever you say, make sure that you affirm the validity of the feelings of the one who has been diagnosed.
If your friend says something like, “I wish I hadn’t smoked,” tell them something like, “This doesn’t matter—these things happen, and there’s no use blaming yourself. ” The truth is, while there are risk factors for getting cancer, we can never truly know why someone got cancer. [6] X Research source If your friend still has a lot of anxiety over what caused this diagnosis, you can also tell them something like “It’s normal to ask yourself why this happened, but I don’t know if there’s a way to get that answer. Let’s just work on keeping you healthy and happy now, together. ”[7] X Research source
You can also say something like, “It’s hard for me to find the right thing to say. I care about you a lot, and want to be with you—is it okay for us to just sit here for a bit?” if you find the silence to be a little too uncomfortable.
Some people may not feel comfortable being physically touched. If this is a friend who you know is uncomfortable with touch, or a stranger you don’t know well, it is likely best to keep some distance. If you aren’t sure if someone wants to be hugged, you can ask them first. Say something like, “Can I give you a hug?”
Part of respecting your friend’s privacy includes not telling mutual friends or acquaintances about their cancer diagnosis without their approval. Your friend may have reasons for not telling everyone about their diagnosis immediately, and it’s important to respect their wishes. [10] X Trustworthy Source Cancer Research UK U. K. -based cancer research and advocacy charity Go to source
If they seem open to humor, try referencing an older inside joke you may have, or saying something light-hearted like, “I’m pretty jealous of the time you get to spend in the hospital—maybe you’ll meet an attractive doctor. ” Regardless of your friend’s approach to humor, try to stay away from jokes about hair or weight loss, since many cancer patients feel sensitive about these subjects.
If your friend is really interested in movies, ask them what they thought about the latest one they watched, or ask them if they want to come with you to the theater.
It’s okay to make long-term plans, even if someone has cancer. But you might start off with something more casual by saying something like, “I want to go to the beach at the end of the month—let’s go together if you’re up for it. ”[14] X Research source
There’s no need to make a big deal out of offering help—instead, try to bring it up casually. Sending your friend a text the next time you’re shopping saying something like, “Hey, I’m at the grocery store, can I pick you up anything?” could be very much appreciated. If your friend is religious, offering to pray for them might bring them comfort. In any case, try to also make an offer of something that you can do to help them in their daily life as well.
If you’re not sure what kinds of things they might like in their care package, send them some of your favorite snacks or items, and tell them something like “These are things I’ve always loved, and I thought you might like them too. ” The gesture is very kind.
