Avoid deciding right away if you are both going to stay in the marriage. Rather than make this big decision up front, agree to work together to try to sort through your issues. This will put less pressure on you both as you work on your relationship and allow you both to try your best to get over the affair.
When you first discover the affair, or when your spouse confronts you with the affair, it’s important that you do not make any rash decisions. You will likely be very upset and hurt. Avoid letting your emotions dictate your reaction. Try to discuss the affair openly with your partner and focus on expressing how you are feeling, rather than yelling or screaming at each other.
You can also lean on your family and friends as you continue to process and work through the infidelity. Once you decide to save your marriage and work through your issues with your spouse, it can be helpful to have a support network to turn to. It can be helpful to schedule time on the weekends to spend with family and friends as you work through the issues with your spouse. [8] X Research source
Sexual attraction to someone other than you, and deciding to act on this feeling rather than suppress it. Feeling a strong emotional connection to someone. Confiding marital issues to someone else other than you. Developing unrealistic fantasies about someone and being blinded by these fantasies.
Are you both on the same page regarding family, finances, and the future? Does your spouse make you happy? Do you still want the relationship to work? If so, do you see a future for you both? Are you still sexually attracted to your spouse? Do you both set and accomplish goals together? Do you both enjoy spending time together?
The idea is to prevent secrecy and lies from eroding your relationship as you both move forward in your marriage. Being honest and open on a daily basis can help to build up the trust between you again and possibly lead to a stronger marriage than the one you shared before the affair. [13] X Research source
It can take years to truly forgive your spouse but it’s important that you don’t close yourself off to this possibility. Your spouse will need to earn your forgiveness by working with you to build up the trust again between you and to make the marriage sustainable after the affair. This could be through actions, like being open and transparent with you and attending marriage counseling. Or you may need time to rekindle your feelings for your spouse and to grow to forgive him or her once you have gotten over the affair.
Your marriage counselor may also give you reading material to study and discuss together at home as you both work towards saving your marriage. It’s important that you show your spouse you are willing to try to make the marriage work by committing to weekly counseling sessions and reading any material given to you by the counselor.
You may want to consider going to a therapist on your own if you think some of your personal issues may have caused the affair or lead to developing feelings for someone other than your spouse. Working through your issues can help you to better support your spouse as you work together on your marriage.
The support group is usually lead by a certified marriage counselor, who will moderate the support group and help to facilitate discussion between you, your spouse, and other couples.
