Have you and your spouse grown apart? Do you have incompatible goals, desires, or visions of the future? Are your physical and emotional needs being met? What about your partner’s needs? Do you notice a lack of communication? Do you and your spouse listen when the other says something? Is your communication limited to short conversations about necessities? Are you dealing with a stressful life event, such as problems at work, financial problems, illness, or the death of a loved one?
Suppose you cheated on your spouse. In addition to rebuilding trust, you and your spouse must confront the factors that led to infidelity. Perhaps you’ve felt like your spouse wasn’t attending to your needs, or you became bored with your relationship. Keep in mind placing blame isn’t productive. Instead of saying, “I cheated because you were emotionally and physically unavailable,” say, “What I did was wrong, and I regret it. I’d like to work on regaining your trust and finding solutions to our difficulties. ”
Try drawing a line down the middle of a sheet of paper. On one side, list things you could work on and, on the other, list things your spouse could do. You and your spouse could each make lists, then compare them with each other. For instance, you might write that you need to focus less on work, stop ordering your partner around, and be more affectionate. Maybe you’d like your partner to contribute more to maintaining your home and raising your kids.
Try saying, “These are some changes I think we could make. We’ll both need to put effort forth, and I don’t want you to feel like I’m just giving you a list of things you need to do. Let’s focus on our energy on what we can each do instead of demanding things from each other. ”
It’s particularly wise to seek counseling if you’re dealing with issues like infidelity, addiction, or contempt. Contempt is when partners express disgust, sneer, scoff, or attempt to demoralize each other with insults such as, “You’re a loser,” “There’s something wrong with you,” or “You’ll never be good enough. ”
Instead of saying, “You always ignore me. There’s something wrong with you,” say, “I feel belittled and insecure when I say something and you don’t respond. I’d appreciate it if we could work on treating each other with more respect. ”[9] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. Or, instead of saying, “You never help me with dishes!” you might say, “I feel overwhelmed and like our household duties aren’t distributed evenly. Can you help me fix this?"[10] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 27 October 2021. Constructive feedback addresses specific actions instead of targeting someone’s personality. If you want to save your marriage, you and your spouse need to learn how to discuss your problems respectfully and constructively.
Whenever you’re about to blow your top, count to 10 before you say anything. As tough as it is, resist the urge to fight, and think about your spouse’s message. If your spouse is shouting, say, “I understand that you’re upset, and I feel like yelling, too. But screaming at each other isn’t going to get us anywhere. Let’s cool down and show each other respect. ”
Try saying, “I know it can be tough to work through problems, and it’s easier just to ignore each other. If we’re going to make it, we have to set a rule that we talk things through instead of putting up walls. ” Keep in mind it’s okay to take time to cool down instead of discussing things in the heat of an argument. However, don’t just ignore each other. Instead, say, “I think we should cool down for a bit, then talk this through when we’re both calm. ”
For instance, if your partner is short with you, maybe they had a hard day at work. If they aren’t talking to you, maybe they’re sad, not angry. Try saying, “I don’t want us to shut each other out, and we’re not going to get anywhere unless we open up to each other. We need to let each other in, and stop assuming that we know what the other is thinking. ”
It might take some time for deeper conversations to come naturally, so have patience. As you go about your day, note news stories, funny things you see, and other potential conversation starters. Additionally, let your spouse vent about their day to you. You don’t necessarily need to give them advice or analysis. Providing each other a shoulder to lean on can help you rebuild your bond.
If you constantly dredge up old dirt on your spouse, they’ll feel attacked instead of involved in a discussion. As difficult as it is, try to forgive them for hurting you in the past. Focus on your marriage’s present and future.
It’s tough to rebuild a connection after years of monotony, stress, arguments, and everything else that comes with a marriage. Reminding yourself of your relationship’s high points can help you focus on what you love about your spouse.
For example, you could slip a note into their bag before they leave for work that says, “Have a fantastic day! I love you. ” You could let them know how nice they look, or do a chore they haven’t gotten a chance to do.
You could also go on day trips or weekend getaways. If you have kids, ask your parents, in-laws, or a babysitter to watch them so you can spend quality time with your spouse.
Say, “I’d like us to be honest about what we need from each other. I want to fulfill your emotional and physical needs, and we both need to let each other know how to be the best partner. ” It’s scary to make yourself vulnerable and say, “I need you to tell me that you love me and find me attractive,” or “I want to try something new in the bedroom. ” Having the courage to make yourselves vulnerable might be exactly what you both need to deepen your bond.
Check in with your spouse to make sure they’re comfortable. You might say, “Do you mind if I hold your hand?” while watching a movie, or ask if they want a back rub after a long day.
