You may easily pinpoint one major reason, such as you or your loved one was unfaithful, and that changed the dynamic of the relationship. More often, you may not be able to find one major reason, but rather, a series of reasons for why things aren’t working out. A lot of little things can start to add up. For example, maybe he’s spending too much time with his friends, or you never make time for each other. Alternatively, maybe you’re both stressing at work. Maybe you’re growing incompatible. If you’ve been together for a long time, it’s possible that you’ve become different people over the course of the relationship. If you’re unsure where to begin, consider taking a relationship quiz that can help you assess how healthy your relationship is. [1] X Research source
It’s important to not just talk, but to listen and hear what your partner has to say about what’s going on in your relationship. [5] X Research source You can show you’re listening by summarizing what your partner has to say to show you’ve understood what he or she has said. You can also ask questions that show you’ve heard what the person has said and that you want to know more. When you’re bringing up the problem, focus on “I” statements rather than “you” statements. For example, you could say, “I’d really like to discuss what’s been going on with our relationship,” rather than “You’re making our relationship a mess. "
For instance, a healthy relationship is one where you are both your own, independent people and you respect each other’s personalities and boundaries. You are interested in what the other person is doing, and you encourage one another. [7] X Research source Unhealthy relationships, on the other hand, are where one or both of you is not happy with who the other person is, and you are pressured to change the person. You may also feel controlled or manipulated, or you may be the one doing the manipulating. [8] X Research source
For example, when you’re talking to your partner, you shouldn’t say, “You never put me first. " Rather, you should say, “I sometimes feel neglected in the relationship. " That way, you’re telling how you feel rather than pointing fingers.
Once you agree on what the problem is, you also need to talk about what both of you are concerned about underneath the surface. That is, you may both have an idea in mind of what winning looks like, but if you are both set on winning, no one will win in the end. Instead, discuss why you want the solution you do. [11] X Research source You should also look for common ground in the problem and the solution. That is, if you’re disagreeing about who should do what housework, at least you agree that the house needs more attention. That’s a starting place. [12] X Research source
Compromising means you need to talk about what you both need and want in the relationship. This step is important, because then you can decide where you can both stand your ground and where you can both give a little. [14] X Research source Compromising means giving in where you feel you can. It helps if these solutions are concrete. For instance, maybe you’ve decided one of your main problems is that you don’t spend enough time connecting. The solution could be that you agree to go on one date a week, plus you will try to spend lunchtime together at least three times a week. Maybe you’re problems are partially financial. Sit down and agree on a budget moving forward, one that compromises on what you both value. For instance, if you’re a saver and want to penny pinch every dime while your partner enjoys extravagant vacations, compromise by going on a more modest vacation every year that is within your budget. Portion out the household chores. One small thing that can become huge is if one person feels he or she is doing all the work at home. Have an open discussion about a fair division of the work, and try making a schedule to determine who will do what when.
Most mistakes stem from needs that a person wants to be met. Realizing that can help you learn from what happened. [16] X Research source
If you find your solutions aren’t working after a certain period of time, it’s fine to revisit them and try something new. [18] X Research source
For instance, if one of you cheated after going to a certain club, it seems reasonable that that person should not return to that club. You could bring it up by saying, “Because of what’s happened in the past, I don’t feel comfortable with you going to the club. If you insist on going, that may be a deal breaker for me. "
Maybe she could always make you laugh, or he made sure to call to see if you got home safely. Think about all the little things that you used to love about the other person. One way you can think about the past together is to look at old photos together. [20] X Research source
The first love language is words of affirmation, which means that you feel loved when you hear words that value you. [23] X Research source The second love language involves service, meaning that you feel loved when someone gives of his or her time to help you out or to do chores around the house. [24] X Research source The third love language is gifts. That means that you feel loved when you receive small (or large) tokens of appreciation from people who are close to you. [25] X Research source The fourth love language is time. With this love language, you feel loved if a person spends time with you. [26] X Research source The final love language is touch. In other words, you feel loved if a person is affectionate with you by kissing you, holding your hand, cuddling with you, or hugging you, for instance. [27] X Research source
One way to learn something new about your partner is to try taking a class together, such as a cooking or dance class. You’ll experience something new together and rekindle some of the old spark.
Communication is especially important when you feel yourself getting angry at your partner and wanting to be short with him or her. Instead of getting angry, take a moment to breathe. Once you’ve calmed down, take a moment to talk about why you are getting upset and what can be done about it.
