When you separate your sleeping arrangements, be sure to stop having sex, too. Having sex with your spouse after you’ve made the decision to separate only muddies the waters, and can lead to a lot of confusion and hurt feelings. It’s necessary to build boundaries so that way things don’t get gray or fuzzy. People need physical space so that they can really think through their options, as soon as you’re lying in the same bed, it gives the perception that things are okay and we’re back to normal.
Now’s a good time to discuss meal times, too. Are you and your spouse comfortable eating together, or would you rather stagger meal times?
If one spouse makes more than the other, it’s fine to separate your expenses with that ratio in mind. If there is a shared account in which one of you receives your salary, contact the HR department in order to switch direct payments to a separate account. In the case of a shared account, there should be a conversation about deciding to close it out. Depending on the banking institution, they might require both parties to be present in order to close out the account. If necessary, connect with a certified public accountant and or a financial advisor to discuss plans on how to best move and assign your funds if you both share investments such as properties or business.
It might be helpful to keep a shared calendar to track all of the kids’ activities. There, you can note who is doing what so there’s no accidental overlap. For instance, you might commit to taking your child to soccer practice, while your partner brings them to their piano lessons.
For example, maybe you take the kids for an outing on Friday, and your spouse spends time with them on Saturday.
For instance, if you have a young child, you might say, “Your father and I are going to separate, which means we won’t be married anymore. We still love you very much, and we’re still your parents. ” If you have a teenager, you might say, “Your mom and I haven’t been getting along recently, so we’re going to try out a separation. We’re still going to live in the same house, but I’m going to move into the guest room. This won’t affect your routine or your daily schedule, though. ” Follow up by asking your child if they have any questions for you so they feel heard.
If you and your spouse are on the path to getting a divorce, it’s a good idea to stop attending social events together and to stop wearing your wedding rings.
You might talk about your separation or divorce in the car, or at your favorite park. Or, you might only talk about it when there’s a mediator present. Reduce tension inside the home by keeping the lines of communication open. Use “I” statements to talk about your wants and needs, just like you did before the separation.
Check in with your spouse regularly to see how the living arrangement is going for them. At some point, it might be a good idea to talk about one of you moving out. Try to avoid talking negatively about your spouse with other people, too. Usually, this only leads to hurt feelings, which can complicate the process even more.
It might take a long time until you’re ready to date someone new, and that’s okay. Focus on your situation right now, and avoid thinking about the future just yet.
In some states, you need to “prove” your intentions to separate or get divorced. Your lawyer will advise you about what that means in your current situation.
