Remember that separation does not automatically mean you get divorced. Instead, separation could be a way for you and your wife to gain some perspective on your relationship. You can also “legally separate. ” Legal separation is a form of long-term separation where you remain married. However, you and your wife would no longer be jointly responsible for finances and debts. For all intents and purposes, you live like a divorced couple.
Do you want to stay in the house or do you want her to leave? If you leave, where will you go? Does she have a place to go if you ask her to leave? Do you want the separation to be a temporary trial or permanent? Do you have access to important documents and information, such as birth certificates, financial account information, etc. ? You should get this information first. Do you want to stay with the children? If so, you shouldn’t leave the house. You generally need a court order before you can take children out of their home. [2] X Research source
Focus on using “I” statements instead of “you” statements. For example, “I think I’ve changed” is better than “You’re not the woman I thought you were. ” Focus on why the marriage isn’t working for you and why you are leaving. [3] X Research source For example, you could say, “I’ve been married since I was 22 and think I need to find out what I really want. I think that might only happen if I spend some time on my own. ” Avoid trying to convince your wife that the separation is a good idea for her, too. You can’t speak for her. For this reason, avoid saying, “You should take this time to figure out if you’re happy. ” Instead, focus on your reasons for separating.
If you are afraid of your wife physically attacking you, then you might want to schedule a discussion in public. People often control themselves better when there are other people around. You should also realize that it may take your spouse a long time to just process what was said. For this reason, you may need to speak more than once to hammer out the details of your separation.
For example, you could say, “Mary, I need some time to figure out how I feel about our marriage. I think a separation will allow me to get some perspective on our relationship and on what I want. Maybe if we live separately for a while, we can sort things out. ”[6] X Research source
When you interrupt someone, you invalidate what they are feeling. Your wife’s resentment could harden if she feels like you are trying to silence her. Let her talk, and make eye contact as she talks. Remember that separation is a process—you will probably see your wife frequently in the coming months and years, even if you don’t have children. It is best to try and be as understanding so that the separation can be as smooth as possible.
Don’t blame. You don’t need to blame your wife for the separation. Don’t say, “Your mother has made it impossible for me to stay. ” You could instead say: “I need to go away for a while to think things through. ” Don’t overshare. Your children don’t need to know the details of why the marriage is not working out. In fact, the more children know, the more harm they suffer. Avoid asking the children who they want to stay with. Tell your children you love them and tell them that you will stay in constant contact. Tell them where you are staying and that you will see them soon.
Be sure not to leave with property you own together with your wife. She might think you are permanently trying to deprive her of it. Instead, pack a bag full of clothes and personal items, like toiletries or anything you will need to get through a week.
You can get a referral to a family or couples therapist by asking your family doctor. Some websites, such as Psychology Today, also have locators you can use. Type in your city or zip code to find therapists near you. [11] X Research source
Look at all sources of income. If you are staying with the children, you can expect child support payments from your wife. But these can take time to establish. Also, you should ideally manage to support yourself as best as you can without relying on your spouse. Take a hard look at your expenses. If you were used to splitting the cost of car insurance, food, and entertainment with your wife, you will now be entirely responsible for those. Your individual expenses could increase as a result.
You also should try to get a credit card in your own name. You should not use any joint card after you separate.
Call up your bank and ask how you can limit withdrawals. Also cancel overdraft lines and lines of credit. Make sure to have any direct deposit routed to a new bank account. This may take some time to go through so start as soon as possible. If you need your wife to agree to close the account, then you should find a good time to talk and raise the issue with her. You could say, “Since we’re living apart, I think it would be a good idea for each of us to have our own bank account. This way we’ll each have a better sense of our expenses. I’ve talked to the bank and they need both of us to sign a form. ”
To find a family law attorney, you can contact your local or state bar association and ask for a referral. Once you have the name of an attorney, you should call and schedule a consultation. Ask ahead of time how much the attorney charges.
You might find it easier to leave the house but want to seek custody of your children at a later date. In this situation, you need to remain closely involved with your children. Make sure to visit often and also have your children frequently spend the night with you. In fact, you and your wife should draft a temporary child custody agreement. It does not need to be particularly detailed, but it should identify when each parent will have custody of the children. [12] X Research source You and your wife could also agree to divide your time in the home. For example, you could both pay to rent an apartment in town. On Mondays through Thursdays, you could stay in the apartment while your wife stays at home. On Fridays through Sundays, you could then stay in the home while your wife is in the apartment.
There are many online calculators you can use to estimate monthly support payments. [14] X Research source You enter information about your salary and the number of children that you have, and the calculator estimates your payments. See Calculate Child Support for more information.
See Get a Protective Order for more information.
You might want to stay married but legally separate if either you or your wife has a religious objection to divorce. Legal separation can also be helpful if one spouse needs to stay on the other’s insurance or if one spouse is close to qualifying for spousal Social Security benefits.
The marital separation agreement becomes a contract between you and your wife. If either of you violate the agreement, the other could sue in court. You each should have your own attorney draft and look over the agreement.
