How To Set Boundaries With People With Borderline Personality Disorder

In the long run, healthy boundaries don’t only benefit you. They also benefit your loved one with BPD by creating a clear sense of structure and predictability in the relationship.

For instance, if your friend wants to talk on the phone with you every night, but you value spending evenings with your family, you might decide not to take your friend’s calls after five o’clock.

For instance, you might decide that if your partner shouts at you again, you will leave the house for a few hours until they can calm down.

Introduce the topic by saying something like, “Are you free for a minute? There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk with you about. ”

Use a calm, non-confrontational tone to lessen the risk of the other person taking offense.

Phrase your explanation in a non-accusatory way that focuses on your needs instead of what the other person is doing wrong. For instance, if you find your spouse’s mood swings exhausting to deal with, you could say, “It’s really wearing me out trying to guess how you’ll be feeling from one day to the next. I need you to communicate your feelings to me more regularly. ”

Emphasize the ways your boundary will benefit both of you. This will help your loved one understand that you’re not setting limits just to try to push them away. For instance, you could tell a friend, “I think spending more time on our own will be good for both of us in the long run. I have more energy for socializing when I spend enough time alone, so we’ll both have more fun when we do get together. ”

Once your loved one realizes you are serious about your boundaries and rules, they may accept them and stop testing you.

Put your safety and sanity first – you’re under no obligation to maintain a relationship or friendship with someone who doesn’t respect you or your needs. [12] X Research source

For instance, it may upset you when your partner experiences stress-related paranoia, and you may be tempted to set a boundary like, “Don’t approach me with your concerns when they’re unfounded. ” The problem with this might is that this paranoia is probably a symptom of BPD that your partner can’t help, and rejecting them when they need you will hurt both of you in the long run. Instead, try saying, “Let me know when you’re experiencing intense paranoia. We’ll talk it over for a few minutes, then I’ll sit close by in the next room while you calm down. ” Other symptoms include a fear of abandonment, unstable relationships, changes in self-image, impulsive behavior, suicidal behavior, mood swings, and feelings of anger or emptiness. [13] X Trustworthy Source National Alliance on Mental Illness Grassroots mental health-focused organization providing resources, support, and education for those affected by mental illness Go to source

You could say, for example, “I know that your BPD is something you can’t always control, and that it’s linked to a painful time in your past. I don’t want to trigger those bad memories by setting boundaries, I just want to help myself so that I can better help you. ”

If your loved one experiences this extreme aversion to separation, realize that they may become upset when you approach them with the idea of setting personal boundaries, seeing it as a rejection or pulling away. They may think about difficult past relationships and be afraid that they’ll lose you as well. Approach your loved one with compassion and empathy, reassuring them that you’re not going anywhere and that you simply want to help both them and yourself.