Fear or dislike of eye contact Idiosyncratic speech and taking things literally Repetitive movements Difficulty understanding what others are thinking and feeling Need for routine Disorganization Passionate interest in one or more subjects Lopsided development (e. g. learning advanced calculus but not knowing how to drive) Sensory sensitivities and differences Need for (and enjoyment of) lots of alone time A predisposition towards being helpful, polite, and kind
Take things literally Not realize when they accidentally do something rude or unusual Speak unusually (robotic/singsong tone, childish voice, odd word choice, formal language, or more) Fidget while speaking Avoid eye contact Seem like they’re just guessing what the right thing to say is Struggle to describe their feelings Try to do nice things for you (like bringing you tissues if you’re crying) Panic if they think they did something wrong
Your roommate may be misinterpreted as “lazy” (or may even start to think that they are lazy) when they are actually struggling. They may not know how to do some types of chores. Sensory issues may make some chores painful. Delayed motor skills might make chores more difficult. It may take concentration for your roommate to do things that are automatic for you.
ADHD has 3 types: inattentive type, hyperactive type, and combined type. Someone with inattentive type may daydream, be slow-moving, and forgetful. Someone with hyperactive type may be fidgety, energetic, and distractible. Someone with combined type can be both. Anxiety involves out-of-control worries. They might panic easily. If you see them facing anxiety, you can ask “What would make life easier for you right now?” You can also offer a tight hug. Depression involves persistent sadness and fatigue. Your roommate may withdraw, seem tired, and fail to stay on top of chores and personal hygiene. It may help to gently offer to spend time cleaning together, or try to get them interested in their special interest. (But don’t push. ) Face blindness means that your roommate may not recognize you, especially if they see you outside of the room. This is easy to handle: just say “I’m [name], your roommate. " PTSD is a type of anxiety disorder. You may notice panic attacks or flashbacks. It’s not uncommon for autistic people to have PTSD due to bullying or abuse. Be kind, and try to help them feel safe around you.
Autism is inborn and lifelong. Signs of autism begin in the womb, and there is no “cure” for autism. Your roommate always has been, and always will be, autistic. Autism is not caused by bad parenting, vaccines, demons, or whatever else you may have heard. Autistic people aren’t robots. While some autistic people may struggle to understand their own emotions, that doesn’t mean they don’t have feelings. Autistic people can experience the full range of emotions. Autistics are often caring. While it’s said that autistic people “lack empathy,” this is misleading. Autistics often struggle to understand other people, but they tend to care deeply. Autistics aren’t violent. Despite the media’s wild speculations, data shows that autistic people tend to follow rules and avoid intentionally harming others. Autism is a disability, not an inability. Your roommate will struggle with things that other people may take for granted. They’ll also have skills, strengths, and interests. They may be especially talented in one or two areas of interest. There’s no need to feel sorry for them.
You may have met other autistic people before. Don’t assume that your autistic roommate will be just like the people you’ve met before. Everyone is unique, and every autistic person has a different mix of traits.
“I don’t understand what you mean. Could you please clarify?” “What are you trying to say?” “I didn’t catch that. Please repeat it. " “I’m not sure if I’m reading you correctly. . . are you agreeing with me or disagreeing with me?” “What do you mean by that?” “I’m getting lost. Could you make a 3-sentence summary to help me understand?” “Would you repeat that more slowly, please?” “I can see you’re having a hard time expressing yourself. Would it be easier to type or write it down and show me?”
Spinning in circles Curling up on their bed and not moving for a while Flapping their hands Wearing headphones a lot Typing what they want to say, instead of speaking, if they’re overwhelmed Rocking back and forth Hiding in the closet and being perfectly happy in there
If they’re able to communicate a need to you, do what you can to help. Don’t crowd them or grab them. Avoid touching them without consent. Help if they’re trying and failing to do a task. If they’re trying to unlock the door and keep failing, see if they’ll let you take the keys and do it for them. If they’re trying to drink from the sink, try handing them a cup. Sometimes they hurt themselves. Don’t grab them or try to make them stop. They may end up accidentally hurting you too. Let them hide if they need to. They may want to be alone. Once they’re calm and feeling well enough to socialize, you can ask them how you can help next time (if you’d like).
Autistic people tend to need more alone time than most people do. It’s not personal. It’s normal for autistic people to want quiet time after a demanding day. If they’ve just come back from class, then it might be a bad time to chat. (Try seeing whether they talk to you or whether they hide. ) Some autistics enjoy hiding in quiet, dark spaces, like in the closet or under the bed. They’re usually OK in there.
For some autistic people, it can feel like the volume is turned up on their senses. They have no control over it, and it can be frustrating and upsetting to them. Imagine what it would be like if you lived in a noisy world full of flashing lights and bright colors. You might want to hide under the bed too.
They may benefit from earplugs and/or white noise. Try to put dishes away quietly. Tasks that tend to involve piercing loud noises (e. g. dishes clattering when you unload the dishwasher) are best done when your roommate isn’t in the room. Not all loud noises are things you can fix. For example, if you are near a busy street, then sports cars and motorcycles may hurt your roommate with their noise.
Try investing in a non-scented air freshener, such as unscented Febreeze.
“There’s a funky smell coming from the fridge. Please check your food and see if anything is moldy or expired. " “Please turn down your music or put on headphones so I can study. " “Please take out your trash. I think something has gone bad inside. "
Knock before entering their room. If you need to make a loud noise (like turning on the vacuum or crushing a can), warn them. This way, they can prepare themselves, and cover their ears or run away if they need to.
Some autistic people struggle with open-ended questions. If they say “I don’t know,” say “That’s okay. You can always tell me if you think of anything, and I’ll come to you if I have a specific question. "
“Earlier, I saw you crying and rocking back and forth. You were covering your ears, so I thought you might want to be alone. If it happens again, should I leave you alone, or is there something I could do that would help?” “When I was watching TV and the president came on, you threw a piece of popcorn at the TV and ran away. Does the news upset you? Should I avoid watching it with you in the room?” “When we were watching the big romantic scene, I noticed you began rocking and making some cooing sounds. Is that a sign that something’s wrong, or does it just mean you’re enjoying the movie?” “I asked you for homework help last night because I saw your boyfriend being pushy, and I thought you looked uncomfortable. I felt uncomfortable seeing his behavior. If it happens again, should I do the same thing, or is there something else that would be better?”
Try to put shared items (like soap or paper towels) back in the same place each time. Talk to them before rearranging any shared furniture.
Ask them what chores they’re best at. Make them responsible for things they are good at doing. Write down chore responsibilities to help everyone remember. If they don’t know how good is “good enough,” discuss it and write it on the chore chart. For example, “It’s done if the only things on the floor are furniture and backpacks” or “It’s done if there are no visible spills on the table. " Try implementing a “parallel work” strategy if your roommate is forgetful. For example, “At 4:00, I will come get you, and we can clean the kitchen together. " In some cases, they just might need someone else to help them get started.
If they say “I’m a mess,” you might reply “Your room’s a mess, but your GPA and your art skills are quite impressive. " If they say “I’m no good at this” when studying, you might remind them “This is hard material, and you’re new to it. You don’t have to be good at it right away. " If they say “I don’t deserve to be helped” you could say “I think everyone deserves a little help when they’re struggling. I bet you’d do the same for me if I needed it. " If they say “I’m sorry my sensory issues are so hard on you,” you could reply “They’re not your fault. And they’re harder on you than on anyone else. I’m okay with making small adjustments so that I can know that my roommate is all right. "
Dropping hints is unlikely to work. Autistic people can be oblivious to hints, or they may notice that you’re upset but have no idea why. Try to assume the best. Your roommate probably didn’t mean any harm. Acknowledging their good intent is likely to help them relax and focus on listening.
“Sometimes, I can hear your music playing loudly, and it makes it hard for me to focus. I knock on your door, but you don’t answer. My guess is you can’t hear me. Please lower your maximum volume in the future. " “I know that you like to make babbling sounds to help you calm down after a busy day. When you do that while I am studying in the main room, I get distracted. Would you be okay with doing it in your bedroom with the door closed instead? That way we could both have a good time. " “I noticed a strange odor from the fridge. Would you please check your food and get rid of anything that’s expired?” “Sometimes I see the door left unlocked. Safety is important to me, and I worry that someone could break in or steal our things. Please remember to lock the door every time. " “I think we have different standards of cleanliness. Could we work out some ground rules so that we can both be happy with our space?”
Accusations: “You are a slob” instead of “Please keep your things off the floor” All-or-nothing: “You always do this” instead of “Sometimes this happens” Yelling and aggression: “I am so f***ing sick of you!” instead of “I’m feeling frustrated”
If they start panicking over doing something wrong, give them a reality check. For example, “You’re not a bad roommate. These things are normal. I’m not mad, and I don’t blame you for not knowing. Let’s talk about it, and make a plan to fix it. Then it’ll all be okay. "
“I didn’t know that washing dishes was so hard for you. I think it’s okay if we just use the dishwasher. Does that work for you?” “I didn’t know that the toilet cleaner smell was so overwhelming for you. Let’s make deal: since you’re so good at cleaning the kitchen, you wipe down the surfaces every week and I’ll clean the toilet when you’re in class. Would that work?” “So it sounds like you have a hard time remembering to do things. What if we scheduled a time where I came and got you, and we worked on cleaning together?”
Your RA A trusted mentor The #AskingAutistics or #AskAnAutistic hashtags online (while being careful to protect your roommate’s identity)
Sharing a bedroom is not a good arrangement for some autistic people, who often need a quiet space of their own to retreat to. If you share a bedroom with an autistic roommate, then both of you may end up struggling. In this case, recommend that the autistic person be moved to a suite where they can have a private bedroom.
Don’t assume that unusual behavior means that your roommate doesn’t want to be your friend. They may just express themselves differently. Most autistic people do want to make more friends, so it may be worth a try. [16] X Research source You could try chatting with them, and inviting them to quiet social outings. If you can’t read them, you can just ask “Would you like to be friends?” and see what they say.
If you share an interest, this is a perfect conversation topic. Sometimes, autistic people get so wrapped up in their excitement that they don’t realize the other person wants to end the conversation. If this happens, just gently say “I need to go now” or “I’m tired of talking about _____ for now. May I tell you about my day?"[17] X Research source
If they say “no” once, that doesn’t mean “no” forever. Sometimes it means “I’m too tired today” or “I really need alone time right now. " But another day or another time might work.
Your autistic friend might be a perfect companion on a road trip, but they probably aren’t the best person to bring to a loud, packed concert. If you aren’t sure if it’s a good idea to take them somewhere, you can always ask them. Describe the place as needed, and ask if they think they would like to go there or not.
