It is possible for your intuition to be wrong. There may be something going on in someone’s life that’s causing them to behave erratically, or they may be acting secretively because they’re trying to plan a surprise birthday party for you. Don’t jump to conclusions just yet, but recognize that your feelings are valid and if you think something is going on, it probably is.
If you catch someone in a small lie, it’s a sign that they’re okay with big lies. Don’t let them dismiss changes in their story as “misremembering” or “making a mistake. ” For example, if your partner says they were getting Mexican food last night before coming home but they later say “I came straight home last night,” it’s a sign they’re losing track of their lies. This is especially nefarious if they try and convince you that you’re going crazy or misremembering what they said. This is known as gaslighting, and it’s a major red flag if you’re in a romantic relationship with someone. [3] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. It may come off a little confrontational, but you could always ask them to tell a story in reverse. A liar won’t be able to correctly re-tell the story backwards a lot of the time. [4] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source
Brushing off the conversation and saying, “We’ll talk about it later. ” Speaking in generalizations rather than using specific details. Trying to change the subject[7] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. Turning the conversation back on you[8] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. Using lots of unclear pronouns (i. e. saying “them” instead of a person’s name). Hesitating and pausing a long time before giving an answer.
Asking to see a partner’s phone is always a risky gambit. On one hand, if they’re not hiding anything and you don’t approach the question kindly and with compassion, they may take your request as a slight or invasion of privacy. Don’t assume they’re cheating on you if you don’t have any evidence outside of the way they handle their phone.
For example, if you’re in a heated argument with your boyfriend over them hanging out with their ex, try saying, “Hey, by the way, what should we eat tonight? Want to order in?” If they say, “What? Who cares about that right now. I wasn’t hanging out with Jessica!” They may be telling the truth. If you’re talking to a friend who you think is lying about not inviting you to a party, try randomly asking them if you left a hoodie at their place, or if you have any homework for Chemistry or something. They’ll latch on to your question and ask follow-ups if they’re being dishonest.
For example, if you think your wife may be hiding money from you and you ask if she has any cash set aside in a secret account, she might say, “I’m upfront about everything. What about you? Let’s take a look at your bank statements! I bet you’re hiding something. ” This could also take the form of a absolutism. If you mention that you’re upset you think your mom forgot your birthday and she’s claiming she didn’t, your mother might say, “Well, you forgot Mother’s Day last year. What about that?”
For example, if they say, “…and then after the party, Michelle and I…I mean, Sandy and I. Sorry, Michelle wasn’t there,” it is indeed likely that Michelle actually was there.
If you’re trying to figure out whether your son went to a party was last night, you could ask: “Who were you with?” “Where did you go?” “What time did you get home?” and, “How much money did you spend?” If you think your husband may be dishonest about going to dinner last night, you might ask: “What did you order?” “Where did you eat?” or, “Did you see anyone last night?” Try to ask the same question multiple times. Just go, “Oh, I forgot already, who did you say you were with?” If they give you slightly different answers, they’re probably telling a fib.
They may even repeat certain phrases or words over and over again. If your partner keeps saying, “I didn’t cheat! I didn’t cheat!” or your mother keeps saying, “I totally support your decision. I have nothing but support for your decision,” it’s a sign they’re lying. [16] X Research source They may even use more contractions than normal. For example, instead of saying “I did not do that,” they’ll likely say, “I didn’t do that. ” It can be hard to tell a lie, and the contractions are a sign they’re rushing through it because they’re uncomfortable.
A lot of the traditional signs of lying (looking away, standing defensively, fidgeting, etc. ) aren’t always super accurate. Research over the past several years indicates that these signs aren’t universal, so just keep that in mind. [19] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source Occasionally, people will look off in the distance when they’re thinking really hard or trying to consider how to phrase something. If they look off when you ask them a question but then they snap back to making normal eye contact, they were probably just thinking about what you said. [20] X Trustworthy Source PubMed Central Journal archive from the U. S. National Institutes of Health Go to source If they’re a pathological liar, they may stare directly at you without blinking or looking away at all. Uncomfortably long eye contact may also indicate they’re lying. [21] X Research source
If they physically move away from you (i. e. they back up a bit, or they try walking away) while you’re in the middle of talking to them, it’s another big sign they’re not being truthful.
They may also point a lot, especially if they’re trying to turn the tables on you by accusing you of doing something. [24] X Research source They might also make lots of eye contact, scratch their nose, rub their neck, or try not to blink when they’re feeling uncomfortable. [25] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022.
Sometimes, people tend to talk themselves out of seeing a lie because it’s easier to pretend like the problem doesn’t exist. If possible, try to take a step back from your own feelings about a situation and look at people’s behavior from a more objective perspective.
The classic example is, “Does this dress make me look fat?” The truth might hurt someone’s feelings, and no good is normally going to come from telling someone that an outfit they’re excited about isn’t particularly flattering. If someone is telling you big lies, or they’re lying to you for some reason other than to spare your feelings, it’s definitely worth addressing it.
You might confront your partner by saying, “Look, I’m not mad, but I need to know the truth. You’ve told me three different stories about what happened last night, and you won’t stop fidgeting and looking away. What’s going on?” You could confront a dishonest friend by saying, “I know you said you couldn’t come to my party because you were sick, but you’ve been avoiding me and mentioned you went out that night. Why didn’t you show up?” You could say something like, “Hey I remember you telling me this, and I found out that this isn’t true. What was the reason you told me this when it’s obviously not true?"[32] X Expert Source Tara Vossenkemper, PhD, LPCLicensed Professional Counselor Expert Interview. 15 March 2022. If the lie isn’t that important, you don’t have to call them out if you don’t want to. Just keep this information in the back of your mind. If they’re willing to lie to you about something unimportant, they’re probably willing to lie to you about the big stuff, too. [33] X Research source
