If you are having trouble expressing yourself, you should identify what you need from your sister or why you feel wronged by her, and put it into words. You can use a journal to write about your experiences and feelings to clarify for you what is going on. For example, you might write “I feel hurt when she ignores the things that I say. It makes me feel stupid and then it makes me angry. ”
For example, you might feel uncomfortable when she walks into your room and starts looking for something without asking. Perhaps she gives a reason for why she walked in and acts like it is okay that she is in your room. Do not be distracted by her reason or attitude. Think about specifically what she did wrong in this situation, and that is your boundary. In this example, she needs to knock before she walks in. Not doing so is not respecting that boundary. Make your boundary more specific. If you don’t want her to walk in without knocking, how should she knock? Can she come in if you aren’t in your room? Decide on reasonable and more specific limits for your boundary. For example, you could say, “You aren’t allowed to come in my room without knocking. If I am not here, you have to text me to ask before you go in my room. ”
Are there any particular situations that trigger fights between you two? If you can pinpoint the places or times that you two seem to clash, you can often find ways to avoid your fights/problems. For example, if you notice that she gets upset with you when she is getting ready for school, you can avoid her during that time in the morning.
With this knowledge of yourself, you can think about ways to avoid having the same problems with your sister after you hang out with your friends. For example, you might tell your sister something nice when you see her after spending time with your friends to start your conversation off on a good note. Or you might avoid particular topics of conversation with her; for example, if she asks you what you did today, you can say something small and change the topic.
If you are having problems, stop the fight and say something like, “Stop. I don’t want to fight. I’ve noticed we have been having problems lately, and I want to talk about it. ” If you are starting the conversation with her, ask her honestly, “I want to know what you think is going on between us. ” Explain that you want to help make things better. You should ask her something like, “What can I do to make things better?”
Nod along to the things that she says. Make and keep eye contact with your sister while she is talking. Ask her clarifying questions. You can say something like, “So are you saying that you want me to leave you alone when you are hanging out with your friends unless you ask me to hang out?”
Start with the good, for example, “I appreciate it when you let me use your computer. ” Be honest and straightforward about your problems. You can say, “But I think we have some problems that we should work on. ” Tell her something that you need from her. For example, you can say, “I’d like you to knock before you come in my room. ” You can explain to her how you feel, for example, say “Because I feel like I can’t trust you when you come in my room without asking. ”
If you are starting with the positive, you can say, “I know you don’t have to let me use your computer, so I am happy that you let me use it when I need to. ” You can also use empathy in talking about what you need, too. For example, you can say “I can understand why you think that you don’t need to knock when you come into my room because we used to share a room, but I need my own space now. Please knock before you come in- every time you come in my room. ”
Start nice, and say something like, “I’m happy to have you come in my room, but I need you to knock first. ” Say this is a nice but firm way. If she doesn’t listen, get more firm, and say something like, “Amanda, do not come into my room unless you knock first. ” Keep your voice serious, but do not get mean or shout. Shouting will not help you communicate with her. If it keeps happening, tell her no in a more serious way, say something like, “Amanda, I’ve asked you twice to knock before you come into my room. Stay out of my room until I tell you that you can come into my room. ” Let your tone be serious and firm, but do not get emotional or yell. This will make it seem like you are out of control. Remember that if she doesn’t agree, there is nothing you can do about it. All you can do is stand your ground.
Describe the things your sister is doing and the facts of the situation specifically- “Amanda, you are eating the food I saved for my lunch today. ” Don’t use accusations when you talk to her by saying things like, “You stole my food. ” or “You don’t care about me. ” Because you aren’t a mind reader, and you don’t want to accidentally assume something that is incorrect. Tell your sister how her behavior impacts you. For example, you can say, “I saved that food and was looking forward to eating it today and now I have to find something else to eat and I don’t have a lot of time or good options. ” Then tell her how that makes you feel. Say something like, “And when you eat my food it makes me feel like you don’t care about how I feel. ” Give a solution to the problem and/or explain the situation more. For example, “I want you to ask me if you can eat my food next time. If I am not around, send me a text. And sometimes, I do have extra food that I would be happy to share with you. ”
Practicing what you will say in a role play with your friend or in the mirror before you talk to her will help you to stay calm in your conversation. Try to focus on being matter of fact and natural in your tone of voice.
Write down the things you want to say to your sister and practice saying them in your role play. Have your friend respond the way he/she thinks your sister would respond so that you can practice defending yourself to your sister. You can also practice listening to your sister. Have your friend role play your sister explaining what is going on, and you can practice active listening. Once again, write down the questions you want to ask her about your problems and think of follow up questions to ask. Show you are listening in your role play by nodding along and making good eye contact.
While you are in the confrontation, tell yourself that you are doing the right thing. And again after the conversation, remind yourself that it was good to talk to your sister and set your boundaries no matter how she handles it.
For example, if you find yourself repeating negative things to yourself like, “I will never like her,” this might make you more bitter toward your sister. And feeling bitter or resentful will make it harder for you two to have a good relationship. Find ways to make your thoughts more positive. You don’t have to lie, but you can say something like, “Sometimes I feel like I really don’t like my sister, but occasionally she sticks up for me with our parents, and I can tell she cares about me. ” Refocus on the good things. After a bad conversation you can say to yourself, “No matter what happened, I didn’t lose my cool. ”
Ask your sister how things are going with her. If you have some extra time, try to check in with her in a real way. You can say something like, “Hey, what’s really going on with you?” or “How are you really doing?” Most people like it when someone really wants to know what is going on with them. Show appreciation for the things your sister does and says. This might be hard at first, but after you have done it a couple of times, it becomes easier. When you hang out with your sister or talk to your sister, make an effort to show her that you like her. For example, laugh at her jokes, ask her questions, and tell her things you like about her. If she feels like you respect her, she might start respecting you back. For example, if you see her helping out a friend, you might give her a compliment by saying, “Hey, I think you are a really good friend. ” If she does something for you, tell her you appreciate it. For example, you can say, “Hey, thanks for sticking up for me when mom and dad accused me of taking the keys. ”
Try to avoid only talking about the negative things about your sister. You don’t want these conversations to reinforce your bad feelings for her. If you can’t think of good things to say about her, try to focus on discussing things you can do to be a better brother or sister.
