Your religious, spiritual, or personal beliefs include waiting or abstinence. You don’t feel ready or interested. [3] X Research source You’re asexual, and you think that sex sounds boring or gross. You want your first time to be with someone special. You lack access to contraception, barriers, or sexual healthcare. You are underage, or feel that you are too young. You have fears about your safety: either you are scared of pregnancy, STIs, etc. or your family is strict and your emotional health or safety would be compromised if they caught you. [4] X Research source
Deciding to be celibate for years is too much pressure for some people. Try making a time-limited contract with yourself (e. g. “I will be celibate this month”), and then reviewing and possibly renewing it at the end of each month. Some people prefer to wait until marriage. This is absolutely okay. Just remember not to rush into a marriage based on your hormones; marriage is a big decision and you want it to be with the right person!
Most people end up having sex at some point in their lives. If at some point you decide that you’re ready, you shouldn’t have to feel guilty about it.
How do you define “sex”? What kind of intimate contact are you okay with, and what is too far for you? How do you define “virginity”? Is it a spiritual, mental, or physical state or some combination thereof? You’ll need to have these parameters in place for yourself so you’ll know what’s okay for you and be able to communicate it clearly to others. If you know your own boundaries, are confident in expressing them, and expect them to be respected, you’ll be more empowered to stand up for yourself and do what you feel is right. [11] X Research source
If you aren’t going to have a sexual partner now, what else could you spend your time on? If you wanted to be a virgin until a certain time period, work on that goal. For example, if you wanted to wait until you felt more confident and assertive, then try assertiveness training and build your confidence.
Determine your emotional boundaries. What kind of emotional involvement are you comfortable and uncomfortable with? What kinds of behaviors make you emotionally uncomfortable? Be clear with yourself that other people’s feelings are not more important than your own. [13] X Research source Consider your mental boundaries. How much are you comfortable letting others’ ideas and opinions influence your own? At what point do you feel someone isn’t respecting your thoughts or ideas? To what extent do you feel comfortable explaining or defending your personal beliefs to another person? Think about your physical boundaries. How and where and when are you comfortable being touched? What kind of physical contact crosses your personal boundaries? Clearly establish the terms of your boundaries, both for yourself and for others. There are checklists online to help you figure out what you are and are not comfortable with. [14] X Research source
Don’t sacrifice your comfort or your boundaries because of pressure from someone else. If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries, get away from them and stop spending time alone with them. Clearly draw the line between what’s acceptable and what isn’t, and ask them to respect that. [16] X Research source
Exercise: take a walk, play sports, or run around with some family members. Some virgins feel comfortable with masturbating. Take a shower, or use a hot or cold compress, for vasocongestion. [17] X Research source Find things to focus on beyond sex,[18] X Research source whether it’s art, writing, friends, family, volunteering, or schoolwork.
Though it may be tempting to put off telling a person you like that you plan to maintain your virginity, don’t. They’ll find out eventually. It’s better to make sure you’re on the same page about you want in a relationship before you get too attached. If the person isn’t on the same page and can’t be in a relationship without sex, that’s okay—that’s their choice to make. But don’t feel pressured by their decisions; mutually respect one another’s decisions. If you aren’t on the same page, it’s okay to go your separate ways with no hard feelings. [19] X Research source
If your partner tries to negotiate your boundaries with you, make it clear that these are serious boundaries. Your partner needs to respect them. If you don’t feel comfortable discussing why you want to stay a virgin, just say so. A phrase like “I’m not comfortable talking about that” works.
Say “no” or say you want to slow down as soon as you start feeling uncomfortable. A simple phrase like “I don’t like that,” “I don’t feel ready for that,” or “Not now” makes it clear to your partner. Be clear about saying “yes. " Your partner should always know what page you’re on when you’re doing things together. Verbally say yes, smile, make eye contact, and take an active role. If you’re uncertain, just say so. A basic “I’m not sure” works, or you can be flirty and say “I don’t know. Can you convince me?” Ask questions to your partner: “Do you like this?” “What if I. . . ?” “Want to make out?”
You are allowed to say no at any time: including when you said yes five minutes ago, when you were okay with doing something last week, or when everyone else is okay with doing it. You can say no at any time and any place. [22] X Research source Use the broken record technique to combat pressure: keep saying something like “No” or “I don’t want to. " If you are shy, then practice saying no. Try writing down the phrases in this article and practice saying them. Saying no is an important life skill.
Keep your response brief, honest and respectful (initially), and be prepared to repeat it if necessary. You can use the broken record technique, which means repeating the same thing in the face of pressure (e. g. “No” or “I don’t want to”). For example, if someone says, “If you don’t let me do this, it means you don’t love me. ” Respond by saying, “I love you and I don’t want you to touch me right now/in that way. ” If someone says, “But you let me do this before. ” Respond with “I have the right to change my mind. ”[24] X Research source If someone says, “You’re just a prude (or frigid or repressed or whatever),” respond with “I’m comfortable with myself and my body and I’m asking you to respect that. ” If someone doesn’t respect your boundaries or makes you feel uneasy, this is a problem. It may be time to question whether you want to be in a relationship like that.
If you’re at a party or other social gathering, walk away from them and find a friend to talk to instead. If you’re alone or nearly alone with the person, walk away and go somewhere where other people are around or where you can get help if you need it (walk towards an emergency call box, towards a cab, etc. ). As you walk away, imagine crumpling up their words and throwing them away. After discarding their words, say and embrace something positive about yourself. [25] X Research source
If you’re at a party, a bar, or another situation where someone isn’t accepting that no, you’re not interested, you have every right to look them dead in the eye and say, “I said no. Please leave. ” If you want to get some amusement out of the situation and you don’t think this person is truly a threat (if you do feel threatened, get away from them and find help immediately), you can say something like, “I get really, really, really, really attached to someone if I have sex with them,” or “I’m not ready to tell you about my herpes status. ”[26] X Research source
Obvious peer pressure: This is the most overt form of pressure and it usually involves direct, unsubtle statements from others like, “I can’t believe you aren’t having sex. Everyone else is!” Underhanded peer pressure: This is the kind of pressure that’s a bit more subtle and is usually used to make you feel like there’s something weird or wrong with you for not conforming. It might sound something like, “Never mind, you’re a virgin, so you don’t understand” or referring to you as “the virgin” or “the prude,” etc. Controlling peer pressure: This kind of pressure is an overt attempt to coerce you to do something by threatening to exclude you or end the friendship if you don’t do what the other person wants. It might sound something like, “We can’t be friends if you’re a virgin” or “I don’t hang out with virgins. ”
Though they may seem convincing, train yourself to be skeptical of what other people claim they’ve done. You don’t have to call them on it necessarily, but you should file what they say under “probably not true. ”
If someone tries to test your boundaries with negative comments or statements that you know aren’t true, stand your ground. Repeat the phrase “That’s not true!” either to yourself or to the other person until the message sinks in. [30] X Research source
Don’t accept other people’s assessment of what your sexual status means about you. This may be particularly important if you’re in high school, where peer pressure about sex can be hard to shrug off. Don’t let people try to tell you things like, “if you haven’t had sex it’s because you’re not attractive” or “because you’re too scared,” etc. Choosing not to have sex means none of those things. It means you’re doing what feels right for you physically and emotionally.
If you have friends who nag, make fun of you, or otherwise pressure you about sex, ask them calmly and confidently to stop. If they don’t, stop hanging out with them as much. Find and hang out with friends who are accepting of your choice and respect your right to decide for yourself. You’re most vulnerable to peer pressure when you’re stuck in a circle of friends who don’t share your values or interests. Becoming aware of this is an important signal that you might need to broaden your circle of friends. [33] X Research source
Walk away calmly and confidently. The most important thing is that you get away from that person, but, if you can, try to leave the situation with calm and confidence. That way you’re communicating to them that they can’t manipulate you. As you walk away, imagine crumpling up their words and throwing them away. After discarding their words, say and embrace something positive about yourself. [34] X Research source
