He was mean to me about how long I took in the bathroom — I shouldn’t feel bad about taking the time to shower and put on makeup. He can easily use the other bathroom. He refused to eat the food I had cooked again. He said it looked gross. But this isn’t about my cooking — it’s about him wanting to make me feel bad about myself. I’m not going to do that. He told me I looked fat in my new outfit. I know that I don’t. He just wants me to feel insecure.
How do I feel about him making fun of me and my friends and how we like dumb movies? I shouldn’t care. It’s sad he can’t be happy for me that I have good friends. I am disappointed he won’t come with me on a hike even though he made me feel bad about going without him. I don’t want to spend another Sunday cooking and cleaning for him — he would just be mean to me about it anyway. I need to get some time away from his negativity. I am good enough for my husband. He says that I’m not, but it’s really about his own insecurity and problems at work.
“When you make fun of the way I look, it makes me feel bad. Could you try to not do it anymore?” “When you get mad at me about the laundry not getting done on time, it makes me feel upset and anxious. Maybe you could help me instead of getting angry about it?” “Telling me that I am stupid all the time makes me feel like I am. I know that I’m not stupid, so please don’t call me that. ”
”Stop talking to me that way. ” ”I want you to write down what you said to me so that I can keep it and read it back to you later. ” ”I’m walking away from this conversation. When you are less angry we can talk. ” (Don’t do this if it will escalate the situation. )
Money you have set aside, separate from your husband’s. A bag with identification (like passports), Social Security card, clothing, medications, banking information, legal documents (car title, marriage license, birth certificates) that you can leave with a coworker or person that your husband will not know. If you’re taking children, have their birth certificates, Social Security cards, immunization records, clothing, medications, and identification cards (if they have them).
Change your cell phone number and give it out only to trusted friends and family, asking them not to give it out. Delete any search history with research about your leaving on shared computers. If you are worried about retaliation and anger, leave a fake trail. Do internet searches for towns hours from where you plan to be. Write down phone numbers of motels in that town (where you won’t be). Go to a safe place that you have set up beforehand — shelter, the house of someone your husband doesn’t know, a hotel. Communicate with your husband through a note you leave at home and let him know you have left and the steps you will be taking (restraining order, divorce, etc. ) Let him know a family member or friend he can contact to reach you, but warn him that he will not be able to talk to you directly.
