Emotionally sensitive people who care about the feelings and experiences of others more than their own may over-apologize. This can result in a steady but hard to recognize disrespect or denial of one’s own value. [1] X Research source Studies have shown that apologies more frequently reflect shame than a belief that a wrong has been committed. [2] X Research source
Excessive apologizing in women is partly an issue of social conditioning for which you are not at fault. While changing this habit requires effort, it can be comforting to know that it is not necessarily something “wrong” with you.
For example, if you say “sorry, I arrived a few minutes early” the other person may wonder what is causing you to walk on eggshells with her. Perhaps she will also feel that her big smile when you walked in early was ignored or unappreciated.
“I’m sorry, I don’t want to bother you. " “I’m sorry, I just went for a jog and now I’m all sweaty. " “I’m sorry, my house is a mess right now. " “I’m sorry, I think I forgot to put salt on the popcorn. "
Try tracking your apologies in this way for a week. You might find that many of your apologies seem to be aimed at avoiding confrontation or maybe appearing more humble and sweet.
If you feel lost, start by drawing the line at your role in an event and leave it at that. This can be particularly difficult if you are someone who apologizes on behalf of others in order to nip conflict in the bud. However, apologizing on others’ behalf often leads to feelings of resentment, as you are taking on others’ responsibilities in addition to your own. [6] X Research source When to apologize is always a judgment call; it won’t be the same for everyone.
Without replacing frequent apologizing with other qualifiers, you run the risk of slipping back into apology land. Use this trick while you are tracking your apologies. Then you can begin replacing apologies with more meaningful expressions of care.
This unburdens you from feeling responsible and creating guilt where it is not, and unburdens your friend from having to reassure you that taking out the trash wasn’t a bother.
Instead of making those in your life feel that you are indebted to them, make them feel heard and understood. You could try talking about how they may feel about a situation. For example, if a person has had a bad day at work, try saying something like, “That sounds like it was rough” instead of “I’m sorry. " This allows the other person to know that you’re paying attention to how she feels.
If you laugh at mistakes instead of apologize, you and everyone around you will see that you have acknowledged a misstep. Laughing makes the best of this misstep by helping you take it a little less seriously.
Also consider who you apologize to most often. Your significant other? Your boss? Examine these relationships and what your apologies are accomplishing with those specific people.
Oftentimes apologies correspond to feelings of inadequacy which can be resolved through acceptance of oneself and a renewed look at your power and worth. [12] X Research source When working on adjusting longstanding habits tied to self-esteem, the assistance of a therapist or other mental health professional can be useful. [13] X Research source
Recognize that your mistakes are what help you grow. If a mistake causes you inconvenience or even pain, there is always the opportunity to learn from the experience and grow from it.
For example, you may believe that you “should” be a cheerful person all the time and feel guilty when you are not. However, this is an unrealistic standard for yourself as we all have our bad days. Instead, show yourself a little compassion when you’re not feeling like your usual cheerful self. Tell yourself, “Today I’m having a hard day, and that’s okay. All of us have hard days sometimes, so I will let myself feel how I feel. I will not let others push me to be happy when I don’t feel like it. " Remember that there’s only so much you can control in life. In fact, you can only control your own actions and responses. For example, if you leave in plenty of time to get to a meeting and still end up arriving late because of an unforeseen traffic accident, this is not your fault as it was not within your control. You can explain what happened, but you don’t have to feel guilty or apologize for it.
Defining your values will give you a clear sense for how to handle different situations and make decisions that come from your own internal compass. For example, consider a few people whom you admire. What do you respect about them? How can you implement these values in your own life?
You could say something like, “I’ve realized that I apologize too much, and that this can make my loved ones feel uneasy around me. I’m working on becoming less apologetic for things that don’t require it. " Share any part of what you’ve learned about over-apologizing or about yourself that you think is relevant to the person. Make it clear that as you gain confidence in yourself, they may see changes in you that you would like to see accepted. If any of your relationships depend on your being apologetic or having committed some wrong, this is unhealthy and should be addressed.
On the contrary, your power gives you the ability to impact others just by being who you really are. This is the power to have the influence you want to see in the world around you. [17] X Research source Notice and appreciate that you have skills and qualities that people recognize, and that that is something to cherish–not to deny. Next time you have an idea you want to share, don’t start off with something like “I’m sorry to bother you, but. . . . " Simply be direct, confident and respectful. For example: “I have some ideas I’d like to share with you about our new direction. When would you have a few minutes to talk?” This is not pushy or aggressive, but it is also not apologetic when there is no need to be.
Affirmations are personalized mantras that help you gain confidence in yourself and use this confidence to create positive change, for example, “I am good enough, just as I am. " Positive self-talk gives you a way to turn the negative thoughts that feed insecurities into encouraging and helpful thoughts. For example, next time you hear your inner critic say something unhelpful, challenge it with a positive statement: “I have good ideas, and people believe they are worth hearing. "
