Avoid trying to rationalize your anger. To do so may only cement you further into your victimized feelings. It’s okay to feel angry, but it’s more healthy to let it go and move on rather than trying to rationalize it and/or act on it. [3] X Research source People who dwell on their anger and try to justify it will often distort the reality around them to match their thoughts, for example, by misreading other people’s facial expressions to reflect what they feel as opposed to the reality of a situation. [4] X Research source
Psychologists recommend removing words like “fair,” “should,” “right,” and “wrong,” from your vocabulary. These words suggest expectations, and when those aren’t met, you feel frustrated and victimized. Release those expectations and feelings of entitlement. Nobody owes you anything. [6] X Research source As an example of how this might work, imagine that your best friend’s parents paid for her schooling, while you had to finance your own way through school. While you struggle to repay your enormous student loan, she is able to spend her money on things like travel, clothes, a new car — she even has a much nicer apartment than you do. Rather than feeling cheated, angry, and resentful toward her, your parents, and maybe even the rest of the world, you can choose to acknowledge the anger and move on. It’s great that she isn’t in debt; it’s not so great that you are in debt. But it’s not right or wrong. And it’s not fair or unfair. It just is. You will be happier and more successful in life if you just accept both the situation and your feelings about it, and move on.
Many of us are not aware of our negative thoughts, which makes it difficult to identify and counter them. When we identify these thoughts, we can address them. One way to do so is to investigate what causes you to shift from a good mood to a bad one. Keep track of what you tell yourself while you’re in that state. [8] X Research source An example of a critical inner voice might include feelings of injustice, where you think to yourself, “This isn’t fair. " You may also find yourself generalizing behaviours of other people, for example, thinking “No one ever asks me how I’m doing. ” You may also find that you compare yourself to others, for example, asking “Why do they always get better grades than me?"[9] X Research source When you realize that you are doing this, take a moment to ask yourself why. For example, if your critical inner voice says “No one ever listens to what I have to say,” ask it, “Why do you say that?” Don’t just accept it as fact, because chances are, it isn’t. Even if it is true, the more important question needs to be directed inward so that you can identify and actively work on your negative emotions. After some reflection you might realize that the reason you feel as though nobody listens to you is because you think that you have nothing worth saying, and act accordingly (for example, speaking quietly or not at all in social situations).
Related to this is the necessity to be proactive. Some situations are unavoidable, but by being proactive you can anticipate and gain some control over a situation rather than merely responding to it after it’s happened. You will even find that you can prevent some undesirable things from happening — for example, you can avoid that bad test score by studying and seeking the necessary help beforehand. Treating yourself like a victim can feel good at first, especially since you don’t have to take responsibility. Unfortunately, the more you play the victim, the more you reinforce the idea that your issues are actually other people’s problems and not your own. [14] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.
Try not to beat yourself up for having a victim mentality! Changing your mindset takes time and practice. [15] X Expert Source Ashlyne Mullen, PsyDLicensed Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 23 August 2021.
Take dance classes, join a sports team, pick up a musical instrument, or learn a language. Spend more time with people who make you feel like the best version of you. [16] X Expert Source Taylor RochestieProfessional Basketball Player Expert Interview. 13 July 2021. If you don’t know anyone like that, join a club or community of some sort (for example, an online community of like-minded film fans), and make some new friends.
When being assertive, use “I” statements; facts rather than judgments; take ownership of your thoughts and feelings; and make clear, direct requests rather than phrasing them as questions to which people can respond “no. ”[18] X Research source An example might be to say, “I have noticed that you often leave your dishes in the sink rather than putting them into the dishwasher. When I come home from work/school I get anxious when see them there, and I feel the need to clean the kitchen up before I can start making my own dinner. Let’s come up with a timeframe for doing dishes that we can both live with. ” If assertive communication is new behaviour for you, be prepared for people who know you to be confused by the change. It may be helpful to explain to them that you are trying to change the way that you communicate. [19] X Research source
An example of setting a boundary might be, with an alcoholic relative, to tell them that you enjoy their company, but you do not like the way that they behave when they are drunk; as a result, if they call you or come over when they are drunk, you will hang up on them or not let them into your house.
When standing, good posture means keeping your shoulders straight, back and relaxed, your abdomen pulled in, your feet hip distance apart, your weight balanced evenly on both feet, and your hands hanging naturally at your sides. In addition, you’ll have a gentle bend to your knees (don’t lock them), and your head will be balanced on your neck, not tilted forward, back, or to the side. [20] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Assertive body language includes facing the person to whom you are speaking; standing or sitting tall; avoiding dismissive gestures such as rolling your eyes or waving your hand as if to wave their response away; staying serious but pleasant; and maintaining a calm and non abrasive tone of voice. [21] X Research source Mirroring the other person can help them feel more comfortable and may create a better environment for communication. [22] X Research source
When you seek or give sympathy, you are seeking/giving pity. You might find that when expressing your problems, you encourage people to feel sorry for you by emphasizing how powerless you are in the situation. You might find that they offer solutions and/or even try to rescue you. The desire to rescue someone usually comes from a good place, but it also tells the person you seek to rescue that you don’t believe they can help themselves. A sympathetic response to a complaint might be, “I feel so sorry for you. Have you tried XYZ?"[25] X Research source When you seek or give empathy, you are seeking/giving support. Someone who offers empathy offers understanding without pity. A person who empathizes with you shares in your emotions but believes that you can help yourself. An example of an empathetic response to a complaint might be, “I can imagine how difficult this must be for you. What do you need right now?"[26] X Research source When we act helpless and seek sympathy, we place ourselves in the position of victim and we ask others to be our rescuers. This is unfair both to ourselves and our would-be rescuers. An empathetic approach emphasizes mutual respect and the belief that we care about each other but know that we are capable of taking care of ourselves.
