Stage one of the passive-aggressive conflict cycle is the development of passive-aggressive behaviors. As they develop socially, individuals usually think that direct expressions of anger are perilous and should be avoided [4] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27. . The person then solves their anger issues by masking the anger with passive-aggressive behaviors[5] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27. . Stage two of the passive-aggressive conflict cycle is a stressful situation that triggers irrational thoughts based on these early life experiences. [6] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27. For example, if a teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet and that student has a prior history of being asked to do things and not being appreciated for it, the student might fall back on this history in the current situation. Instead of feeling honored by being asked to help, the student will feel resentful because the request has triggered a pre-learned response. Stage three occurs when the passive-aggressive individual denies their anger, which can lead to projecting negative feelings onto other people and building resentment towards others. [7] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27. Stage four of the cycle is to engage in passive-aggressive behavior. This includes (but is not limited to): denying feelings of anger, withdrawing, sulking, pouting, procrastinating, carrying out tasks inefficiently or unacceptably, and exacting hidden revenge. [8] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27 Stage five of this cycle is the reactions of others. People typically react negatively to passive-aggressive behavior and, often, this is what the aggressor is hoping for. [9] X Research source Whitson, S. (2013). The passive aggressive conflict cycle. Reclaiming Children & Youth, 22(93), pp. 24-27. This reaction then only acts as reinforcement for the behavior and the cycle will begin again.
For example, if a teacher asks a student to pass out a worksheet and that student has a prior history of being asked to do things and not being appreciated for it, the student might fall back on this history in the current situation. Instead of feeling honored by being asked to help, the student will feel resentful because the request has triggered a pre-learned response.
One place that you may have acted passive-aggressively is in the workplace[10] X Research source Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine . There are four specific behaviors that are common to passive aggressive habits at work: temporary compliance, intentional inefficiency, letting a problem escalate, and hidden but conscious revenge. As you are working on identifying your own passive aggressive behaviors, a really good (and important) place to start identifying patterns is in your professional life at work.
Who were the other parties involved? What were their relationships to you (for example: boss, coworker, friend, parent, roommate, teacher)? Did they have authority over you; were they your peers; did you have a decision-making role? Where did it happen? For example, at work, home, school, a party, a game, or a club? When did this occur? Sometimes the timing is a factor, such as the beginning of a school year or during the busy holiday season. How did the incident unfold? Was there a specific trigger or a series of events involved? What was the sequence of actions and responses? What happened in the end? Were the results what you set out to achieve with your negative behavior? What were the reactions of others?
offering public support but indirectly resisting, procrastinating or undermining the successful completion of social and occupational tasks agreeing to do something and not following through or pretending to forget giving someone the silent treatment but not letting the person know why pleasing people publicly but demeaning them behind their backs lacking the assertiveness to express feelings and desires but expecting others to know what they are overlaying positive comments with pointed sarcasm or negative body language complaining of being misunderstood and unappreciated by others being sullen and argumentative without offering constructive ideas blaming others for everything while avoiding responsibility unreasonably criticizing and scorning authority to your peers responding to unwelcome authority with covert, dishonest actions repressing emotions in fear of conflict, failure or disappointment expressing envy and resentment toward those apparently more fortunate voicing exaggerated and persistent complaints of personal misfortune alternating between hostile defiance and contrition predicting negative outcomes before even starting the work
“Whatever” “I’m FINE” Why are you so upset?" I’m just kidding"
If you find yourself engaging in temporary compliance, try to determine whether or not you’re doing this because you don’t feel appreciated. This type of passive aggression could take place in the home as well. You may tell your partner that you will do the dishes consistently, for example, and then put it off to intentionally annoy them.
Recognizing this type of behavior can allow you to start reducing passive aggressive behaviors at work, which will do your career a lot of good. In the home, this could manifest as intentionally taking a very long time to do the dishes or as doing a half-hearted job washing the dishes so that your spouse has to re-wash them before putting them away.
Examples of letting a problem escalate at work include procrastination and misuse of sick or vacation days. [19] X Research source Whitson, S. (June 2010). Checking passive aggression. HR Magazine In the home, this could be refusing to do the dishes for so long that there is a giant pile overflowing out of the sink and across the counters and your family is having to eat from paper plates because there are no clean dishes. (Your spouse is likely also angry with you in this scenario. )
In the office, you may spread rumors about someone who has upset you, compromising your professionalism and their reputation. At home, this may be trying to win the favor of your children and subtly turn them against the other parent. At work, this could mean intentionally losing a client or causing a project to fall through to “get back” at the company, even though it hurts you personally as well.
Can you identify the reasons why you are taking steps backward? Do you need to pause and take a different approach at changing that specific behavior? Is there an underlying feeling or emotional response you have not recognized or worked through yet?
For example, you may be annoyed at someone at work because they always take the last cup of coffee without starting a new pot for others. Instead of keeping quiet until it escalates, speak your mind. Say, “I see that you’re getting the last cup of coffee. Would you mind starting a fresh pot if you get the last cup so that the rest of us can drink coffee on our break as well? Thank you!” At home, you can be clear with your expectations for your significant other. If your partner is supposed to do the dishes after dinner and doesn’t, try saying “I know that you are tired after working all day, but we agreed that if I cooked dinner, you would do the dishes. If you would prefer to cook and have me do the dishes, we can do that instead, but I think we should share the responsibility for daily household chores. "
At work, you may disagree with someone about the way a project should be approached. You may want to sit and develop a plan, while a co-worker may want to jump right in and start coming up with visions for the end result without considering first how to get there. Instead of getting angry or annoyed, talk to the person about your differences in process. You may not be able to agree on the best approach to the project, but perhaps you can divide the labor in a way that draws on both of your strengths; your planning and their vision. At home, you might talk to your partner and find that you have assigned them a chore that they really hate doing. Perhaps you can work out a deal where they take on other chores that they find less disagreeable and you can do their chore. For example, they may agree to vacuum, cook, and take out the trash in exchange for not having to do the dishes.
