Stop and count backwards from 10 before continuing. Take a few slow, deep breaths. Relax your body. Step outside the room for a few minutes and take a break. [1] X Trustworthy Source Mayo Clinic Educational website from one of the world’s leading hospitals Go to source Go get a drink of water. Ask to continue the discussion at another time when you are more together.
It is okay to pause to think or even to tell your parents you need a moment to think. Do not try to be clever and sass back at your parents as this will only create a hostile atmosphere which could turn into a heated argument. Avoid name calling, cursing, sarcasm, and raising your voice above all else. Try to approach the discussion as a mature adult so that you will be treated as such. [2] X Research source Avoid statements that start with “You,” like “You always,” and “You never,” which can sound like accusations and make people defensive. [3] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Instead, try to use sentences that use “I feel” to express yourself, like “I feel like you don’t trust me because you won’t let me stay out after 10 o’clock. "
Don’t roll your eyes. Don’t make vulgar hand gestures. Don’t plug your ears or repeat after them mockingly. Don’t glare or scowl at them. Don’t clench your fists, invade their personal space, or otherwise act aggressively. Don’t cross your arms in front of your chest because it tells someone you’re defensive or not listening. [5] X Research source Try to keep yourself relaxed.
An apology usually starts with an expression of regret for a specific action, such as “I’m sorry for rolling my eyes at you. " It then acknowledges why the action was a bad thing or the other person’s feelings, like “I know that when I did that, it made you angry, and that was wrong of me. " Finally, it should express your intention to change. “I’m working on changing my behaviors. I promise to try not to do that again. " Apologizing for doing wrong is a mark of maturity. Not only will it help mend any broken ties between you and your parents, it will show them you are trying to be an adult, and likely it will impress them. Although a verbal apology is usually more appropriate considering your close relationship, if you find it easier to do so you can always put it in writing. Make sure that when you say it you actually sound like you mean it. An insincere apology is just as bad if not worse than not receiving one at all.
Ask yourself, “If someone did that to me, how would I feel?” If you think you would be offended, chances are what you did was rude.
Try to focus on everything your parents have done for you and how much love they have for you. [7] X Expert Source Mary Church, PhDResearch & Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 August 2021. Remember: being a parent involves a lot of hard work. In fact, parents spend 156,000 unpaid hours raising their kids (from age 0 to 18)—that’s equal to 70 years of full-time employment![8] X Expert Source Mary Church, PhDResearch & Clinical Psychologist Expert Interview. 6 August 2021.
Make your written statement specific and descriptive. Write about which exact behaviors, such as rolling your eyes or mouthing off, you recognize in yourself that you need to avoid. Don’t be afraid to add more things if you realize later there was something you forgot.
If you’re feeling angry, instead of insulting or swearing at them, yell into a pillow later or make up words or fun phrases you can use in conversations that aren’t swears, like “that hoovers,” or “great goofy goblins. “[10] X Research source If peer pressure is making you act a certain way, ask to have discussions with your parents privately so you can be rational.
A good reward could be anything from a slice of cake to a nice hot bubble bath to some small thing you’ve been wanting for a while. Eventually, you should start weaning yourself off of rewards. Remember, the point here is to be good for the sake of being good, not so you can treat yourself to nice things!
Ask your parents to praise you and specifically state what you did right at appropriate times, like if you didn’t raise your voice in a discussion about not being allowed to go to a concert over the weekend. Encourage your parents to avoid “You” statements like “You’re being rude” and instead use “I feel” statements to communicate their feelings when something goes wrong, like “I feel hurt when you make nasty faces at me like that. "
