If you are unsure if your behavior is emotionally abusive, look at ways in which emotional abuse can be identified. Examples can include violent and aggressive language, such as name calling, yelling, and shaming; controlling behaviors, such as intimidation, threats, or monitoring and withholding money; or physical abuse, such as withholding food or water, or hitting, shoving, and pushing. Contact the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence immediately if your abusive behavior involves physical violence against a family member or spouse. [2] X Research source Keep in mind that many people who abuse other people have been abused themselves. You might consider talking with a therapist about your experiences to help you move past what has happened to you and stop treating other people the same way. Oftentimes, you can notice that you’re abusing people when your relationships and even your professional life starts breaking down because of the ways you treat others. [3] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCCLicensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
For instance, perhaps it might really upsets you when people give you feedback, because deep down inside you’re afraid you’re worthless despite knowing it’s not really true. [5] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCCLicensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020. Take time to think about what other elements in your life are causing you stress, like work, conflict with a loved one or spouse, or financial issues. Ask yourself questions like “Am I under too much pressure at work,” “Do I have any unresolved conflicts that follow me around,” or “Are there moments in my past that might be affecting my current behavior?” Consider whether you are engaging in drug or alcohol use. Using substances can contribute to abusive behavior.
Talk about quitting your job with a friend or family member if your work is causing too much stress. Seek financial advice from a financial planner if you are struggling with debt or making ends meet. If you suspect the source of your abusive behavior stems from an unresolved conflict or past trauma seek out help from a therapist or counselor.
Listen to others without becoming to defensive or making excuses. [8] X Research source Keep in mind that it is normal to feel defensive, but if the other person was hurt by your behavior, then it is abuse. Try to avoid equalizing, minimizing, or denying their experience. [9] X Research source Don’t make yourself the center of their story or experience. [10] X Research source
When discussing abuse, try using “I” statements like “I was too controlling when I wouldn’t let you leave the house without me,” or “What did it feel like when I was controlling?”
Remember, nobody has to forgive you. Forgiveness takes time and should be allowed space. If, after you’re forgiven you sometimes still feel like responding to comments from friends angrily, try to focus instead on using empathy, curiosity, and openness to try to understand where the other person is coming from. [13] X Expert Source Jay Reid, LPCCLicensed Professional Clinical Counselor Expert Interview. 7 Aug 2020.
Reminder yourself of your commitment to change by telling yourself affirmations like, “Abusing others is a choice and I am going to do my best to change my behavior,” or “I can change my behaviors with patience, the right help, and hardwork. ”
Life coaches can also provide consistent long term strategies for self improvement, although some are not trained to deal with more severe types of behavioral or physical abuse. Try cognitive behavioral therapy if you would like help processing traumatic experiences, such as previous abuse, loss of a loved one, or feeling disconnected from others, that might be causing abuse. Try family or group therapy if your abuse is occurring within your relationships with your spouse, children, or siblings. You can also look into support groups. Try looking to Emotions Anonymous to learn how to cope with difficult emotions. [15] X Research source
Schedule weekly calls with a friend or family member to check in on your progress in therapy, conversations with those you have abused, or your general well-being. Be sure to seek out those who you feel comfortable being honest with about your abuse.
Domestic abuse needs immediate attention and may require lawful intervention. Seek out the NCADV or local law enforcement to quickly address physical abuse.
