Your child depends on you to make decisions for them (from their career path to their social life) Your child isn’t actively employed or working towards anything Your child is disrespectful or mean to you Your child gets upset if you say “no” or try to set boundaries You help your adult child with everyday tasks like laundry You pay for your child’s expenses You feel taken advantage of or manipulated
Taking small risks and solving problems can boost your adult child’s confidence. There might come a day when you’re not able to help. What will your kid do then?
“If I don’t help, what lessons will my child be able to learn from this?” “What outcome am I worried about if I don’t help?” “How likely is it that the worst outcome will actually happen? Is there a more positive, realistic way of looking at the situation?”
Request that your child help out with chores: “We expect you to contribute to this household by helping with grocery shopping and taking out the trash every night. ” Create clear limits for financial support: “I’ll give you $40 towards your student loan payments this month, but that’s all I can provide. ” Consider asking your child to pay rent if they live at home: “We’re going to ask you to start paying rent each month. We’re not going to ask for full market value, but we would like you to contribute $150. ”[3] X Research source Set expectations for what they’re working towards: “If you’re going to live at home, we expect you to be either enrolled full-time at community college or looking for a job. ”
Use a phrase like, “That sounds like a really tough situation. What are your ideas for fixing it?” Try creating a waiting period to give your kid a chance to work things out on their own. For instance, you could say, “I need to talk to your dad, so I’ll get back to you in 2 hours. In the meantime, what are some steps you could take?”
Ask your child, “What’s one thing you can accomplish today that’ll help you get where you want to go?”[6] X Trustworthy Source American Psychological Association Leading scientific and professional organization of licensed psychologists Go to source Always try to support and encourage your child with positive reinforcement. Studies show that threats and negative reinforcements aren’t very effective.
“I’m sorry you feel upset with the rules we’ve laid out. But this is our house, and we can’t fully support you financially. We do need you to contribute. ” “I know it seems scary to look for a job. But your mom and I really believe in you, and we know you can do it. ” “I’m really sorry to hear that you feel like we don’t love you. We love you very much, but we want to see you develop these skills because one day, we won’t be around to take care of you. ”
Encourage your child to ask their primary care provider for a referral to a therapist. You can also connect them with counselors at BetterHelp. Keep in mind that when adult children return home, that isn’t automatically “failure to launch. " In fact, in many cultures, it’s perfectly healthy and normal for kids to return home. Living at home only becomes “failure to launch” when an adult child is actively struggling to begin their own life and refuses to take steps towards independence. [9] X Research source “Failure to launch” escalates into “entitled adult dependence syndrome” when the child shows a lack of motivation and continues to use living at home as a way to avoid facing life’s challenges.
It’s easy to feel guilty about setting boundaries with your adult kids, but working on self-care can help you recognize that you deserve respect and freedom in your own life.
