Take a few moments to just breathe and think about your feelings without trying to judge or analyze them. For example, you might think, “I’m feeling sad and angry because of my fight with Shirley. ” Naming your feelings will allow you to separate those feelings from who you are as a person. Remind yourself that it’s okay to feel however you feel—your negative emotions do not make you a bad person, a failure, or any less of a person. Don’t try to ignore your emotions or deny what you are feeling. Ultimately, this will just make it harder to deal with them.
When you’re grieving, you may feel sad, angry, confused, hopeless, or even guilty about what you are feeling (or not feeling). You might also find yourself focusing or obsessing on the bad event. You will likely experience ups and downs, feeling much better one day and then worse again the next. If you feel like you can’t cope with your grief or that it’s making it hard for you to function from day to day, talk to your doctor or a counselor about what you’re going through.
Try taking a positive action. If you are taking steps to fix the issue, your emotions won’t be in the driver’s seat—your practicality will be. For example, if you’re upset because you got rejected for a job you wanted, spend some time brushing up your resume. Shift your focus away from what’s bothering you. Distract yourself from what’s wrong until you can gain some perspective. Go to the gym. Phone a light-hearted friend. Go pick up groceries or run errands. It’s harder to feel down on yourself when you are making moves. Do some simple relaxation exercises if you’re feeling tense or upset. For example, you might try some breathing exercises, yoga, or a little meditation.
For example, if you feel hurt by someone’s actions, you may get closure by confronting the wrongdoer and trying to forgive them. If you take this route, try not to blame the other person for what happened. Instead, simply express how you feel and explain how you want to move forward. Say something like, “I was really hurt by what you did. I need space to decide if I want to continue the relationship or not. I will contact you if I decide to. ” Another possible strategy may be as simple as returning the property of an ex-spouse and saying a final goodbye. Give yourself time to get the task done, but not enough time to draw it out.
One way to avoid dwelling on the past is to learn from what happened and come up with a plan to prevent it from happening again. Brainstorm different ways you can improve your current situation or write down a list of lessons you learned from going through it. When you take action after a negative event, you empower yourself to move forward. [5] X Research source Keep a journal or talk to someone you trust to help you get through your emotions. [6] X Research source
Reconnect with activities you enjoy and recognize any positive things happening in your life. Start a gratitude journal that focuses on the things that are going right in your life. Over time, you may find that you have much to be happy and thankful for. [7] X Research source If you have any close friends or family members, or even a beloved pet, take time to connect with them and appreciate the positive difference they make in your life. Take time to appreciate even small things. For instance, maybe you had a particularly delicious cup of tea today, or saw a movie that you really enjoyed.
For example, challenge a negative thought, such as, “I will never know good wholesome people who aren’t trying to manipulate me,” by thinking of any person you know who has shown kindness and trustworthiness. Once you identify at least one person who fits this positive category, you have attacked and invalidated the negative claim.
If you don’t have any close friends, try taking a class or joining a club for people who share your interests. These are great ways to meet new people and connect with activities that bring you joy. Find friends you can talk to and even turn the hurt into a testimony to share with others. You may be able to use what happened to you as a forewarning so that others may avoid the same issue. For example, you might say to a friend, “Hey, Samantha, can we talk? I wanted to tell you about something that happened to me. . . " Then, you might share your story. Ask for support by saying something like, “I could really use a hug right now. "
You may find it freeing to know what you can change going forward to avoid the problem again. This is a way to take back your power and stop giving other people or your circumstances power over you.
Feeling sad or in pain is not something you should hide from those around you. It’s hard to get your needs met if you don’t tell people you are close to that you need support. You might start by saying something like, “I have been meaning to tell you all about what I have been going through. You may not know it, but you have been a great source of support for me. . . " You can also attend a support group for people who have been through similar experiences and share your story with them.
Treating yourself with kindness when you’ve been hurt is an important part of the recovery process. Aim to eat a healthy, balanced diet, perform at least 30 minutes of physical activity each day, and sleep at least 7-9 hours each night. It may also help to engage in some self-care activities that help you reduce stress, like reading a book or playing fetch with your dog.
This list can serve as a guide for the sort of interactions you want to have with others. If you ever feel like your needs are not being met based on the boundaries you’ve set, then you can head off issues before they spread into new hurts or betrayals. You might include guidelines such as not being in relationships with people who make you compromise your values, not dealing with people who abuse drugs or engage in criminal activity, or not putting undue effort into a one-sided relationship. Make sure you communicate your boundaries clearly with others, and also let them know what the consequences will be if they don’t respect those boundaries. For example, “I love you, Mom, but I won’t be able to visit for the holidays if you keep making comments about my weight. ”
