The first steps in normal dating look different from love bombing that happens early on in a relationship. For example, in an everyday situation, you might get a nice text after dinner, while a love bomber may surprise you with a gold bracelet. Love bombing is a common tactic narcissists use because it helps them get their “supply” or people who obsess over them. A toxic person may put you through cycles of love bombing and “devaluing,” or degrading or ignoring you so you come to depend on their “love” and approval.
Excessive flattery Extravagant gift-giving Extreme declarations of love Constant contact via texts and phone calls Claims you should rush to commit right away Overwhelming emotional neediness A refusal to accept boundaries
Set a boundary in the early stages of a relationship with a comment like, “I have a very busy schedule, and I’m not able to drop everything for a romantic partner. I can only hang out once a week. ” Share what a sustainable partnership looks like to you. For example, say, “I want to date someone who is reliable. All the bells and whistles of romance are less important than consistency. ” Point out you’re aware of red flags associated with love bombing. You might make a remark like, “If someone tells me that we should move in with each other after four months, I know that they’re trying to rush a commitment. ”
Respond to a narcissist’s texts by being clear and firm. Let them know you want to move on with a message like, “For the sake of my own healing, I no longer want to stay in touch. I wish you the best. " Since your ex might try to make you feel vulnerable by saying something like you’re both “destined” to be together, focus on practicing self-care and developing resilience so you aren’t emotionally dependent on them.
For example, your significant other might post a picture of the gorgeous bouquet they bought you, but they rarely listen when you speak. A person you agreed to grab coffee with may ask to see you three more times that week, then get offended when you tell them you’re busy.
For example, if it’s just your second date and they ask to take you on a cruise, say, “This is very sweet, but I think it’s a little too soon for me. ” If they try to convince you to take it, then they’re not respecting your boundaries. Be wary of gifts that an ex gives you, from small tokens to impressive mementos. Remind them to respect your space with a comment like, “It’s really best if we continue to go without contact. Please respect my need to move on. ”
One standard of love might sound like, “We respect each other’s independence and understand date nights need to be rescheduled if work gets too hectic. ” You may also value your overall wellness and say, “I should feel relaxed and confident in a relationship, but lately, I always feel tired, worried, and stressed out. ” Maybe you’re really concerned about practical matters and point out, “I want someone who’s emotionally invested in my son—I don’t want to go on romantic vacations all the time. ”
Consider what seems like a “plus” but is actually a red flag. For example, if your partner wants to stay in contact all the time, it may seem like clear communication. However, if you review your texts, you might notice all the chats are stressful and one-sided.
Does this person represent who you want to be with in the future? If you think their behavior would be charming for about a week at most, then it’s a sign you should reevaluate your connection.
If you’re a target of true love bombing, then your partner will probably not respond well. They may even get defensive and insist on you accepting their behavior.
Since your loved ones are protective of you, they may be very straightforward about subtle situations you might’ve missed. For example, they might point out, “They said you felt like their soulmate when you just got out of a relationship! Talk about bad timing. Way too soon. ”
Love bombers might paint you as the “villain” for ending the relationship, but it’s best to move on and lean on your support network. Remember that people with a history of love bombing or narcissistic tendencies rarely stop their emotionally abusive behavior on their own.
A therapist can guide you through processing your emotions and unpacking love bombing so you aren’t re-traumatized. When you discuss your background and childhood experiences, a mental health expert can help you understand how a lack of attention of affection might’ve made you more vulnerable to love bombing. During your sessions, you’ll focus on how to strengthen your self-esteem and boundaries rather than on moving on to a new relationship.
If you suspect yourself of being a love bomber, there’s no reason to despair. Just the fact that you can recognize this in yourself is a huge step forward. When you single out a past incident of love bombing, like declaring someone is your perfect match after a first date, you’ll be able to express yourself in a more level-headed way. For example, you can just mention you feel a lot of chemistry.
Focus on healthy alternatives to love bombing. For example, you might tell yourself, “Instead of showering Charlie with a ton of compliments, I’ll send just one text asking what she wants to do over the weekend so we can have a good time. " Self-reflect and consider whether you’re condependent, which means that you rely on a partner for approval. If you think you do, then work on being happy even when you’re alone.
Try asking them something like, “I really want to be a great partner. How can I be better?” Be prepared to make some changes–no one is perfect, and making personal changes is healthy and normal. Be vulnerable and admit to some toxic habits. For example, say, “Hey, I realize that I may have been blowing up your phone this week. I’m sorry about that, I just really enjoy talking to you–but I totally understand if you think it was too much. ” If your partner is concerned that they’re experiencing less independence in the relationship, discuss how you can respect their autonomy. They might want alone time or more opportunities to see their friends.
Remember that people feel love in different ways; just because you like to move quickly and intensely doesn’t mean everyone does. Simply appreciating that someone is in your life without having any expectations or giving them excessive praise is a great way to avoid “clingy” behavior. To handle the early stages of a relationship, instead of love bombing, just stay curious and ask the person you’re dating questions to show you’re engaged. Through communication, you can both show affection using different love languages and find a happy balance.
