Insecurity: People who are not comfortable in their own skin and who have insecurities will often pick apart others in order to feel better. And unfortunately, this can sometimes include those close to you, whose inner thoughts you know best of all, simply because you don’t feel secure enough to find less personal topics of conversation with people who awe or overwhelm you. Boredom: Feel as if your life is totally boring and without excitement? Dragging out other’s dirty laundry can get the conversation started and cook up some thrills. However, this displays a lack of creativity in your conversation skills, so salving your boredom with your friend’s information is both lazy and disloyal. Revenge: Some people may be angry with a friend and feel that the only way they will feel vindicated is to talk about them behind their back––whether they already hashed it out with the friend or not. Revenge as a motivation for doing anything is always a total fail when it comes to living a fulfilling life; it reveals a lack of self-respect, a lack of respect for others and a lack of self-restraint or personal responsibility for your actions. A friend never deserves having their dirty laundry aired as a panacea for your own annoyance or unhappiness with them. Protection: You may feel wronged, and want to warn other people in your circle of the “dangers” of having this person in their life represents. Consider that we often feel like victims in friendship by minor things, like selfishness, that really represent little danger to anyone. If this is the case, let your friends make up their own minds. Humor: During these sarcastic times when sitcom and reality TV stars hurl insults as if they were nothing, some folks think they are being funny by making snarky remarks about friends behind their back. Unfortunately for the air-headed TV “role models”, funny doesn’t even come into the equation and copying them is a sign of letting the brain go on vacation. Humor does not stoop to condescension, belittlement or gossip; if it does, it’s not humor, it’s muckraking. Thoughtlessness: You’ve assumed that since your friend seems to have a thick skin, that it’s okay to talk about them without consideration for their feelings. Your friend does have feelings; they’re just not flaunting them. At least you’ve got the gumption to admit you’ve been thoughtless. Now it’s time to turn things around.
Personal reputation: Spreading gossip about another person, whether it’s true or not, can harm a person’s reputation irreparably, especially since it’s coming from a close source. Consider whether your gossiping ways are potentially destroying your friend’s reputation. If so, why do you believe you should bring down your friend like this? If you’re gossiping because you seek revenge, this is no way to resolve your conflict. If it’s because of thoughtlessness or a desire to look better at your friend’s expense, it’s time to stop feeling sorry for yourself and start realizing that what you’re doing is bringing about real harm. Business reputation: Are you ruining your friend’s livelihood just for personal fodder or perhaps even out of jealousy? Consider what your words could be doing to your friend’s financial security and business prospects. Think about how your rumor mongering could impact not only your friend, but also his or her family and staff. Family reputation: Even though you may be talking about your friend, your words could hurt his or her family, including your friend’s children. Family members are innocent bystanders and should not be hurt or damaged by your words.
Venting/clearing the air. We all need to let off some steam and if you’ve had a fight with a friend, you may want to consult with another pal to help you through the issue. Talking with a trusted friend whom you know without a doubt won’t talk about your discussion with others should be fine in most cases. Talking it out may provide you with insight and help you arrive at conflict resolution with your other friend. Avoid saying nasty things or calling your other friends names. Moreover, venting continuously to numerous people moves into gossipy territory. Gossip/talking behind a friend’s back. Taking information that has nothing to do with you (or in some cases information that does but is highly confidential) and freely discussing it with numerous people is considered to be gossip. Passing along news. For example, when a close friend has a baby, telling a bunch of people is not considered to be gossip provided your friend gives you her or his blessing to tell the world. On the other hand, if she has had three miscarriages in a row and doesn’t want anyone to know she’s pregnant again until she knows this baby is safely coming to term, saying anything without her permission is talking behind her back.
Make a concerted effort to put yourself in your friend’s shoes during a discussion. Do you like it when people talk or gossip about you behind your back? Do you know what your friends think about you? Before you open your mouth to talk about a juicy morsel of gossip, insert your name into the sentence such as, “Oh my God, I can’t believe that (name) filed for foreclosure!” Would you want everyone to know you filed for foreclosure? If you might be embarrassed, think about how your friend might feel; it’s probably exactly the same.
Don’t speculate about any person. You may be dying to jump into the conversation even though you don’t have any information, but hold back. Don’t speculate––just refuse to participate in any muckraking. Try to guide the conversation away from gossip. Bring the discussion back to the here and now where the people present during the conversation are either talking about what is going on in their own lives or discuss a new hot trend or topic. Walk away if you can’t control yourself. You’re better off leaving the discussion rather than jumping in and contributing. If your friends ask your opinion simply say, “I really don’t know anything about it” and leave it alone. Try to steer clear of people who tend to spread a lot of gossip, too.
Help yourself to heal past hurts that might have lead to gossiping habits, by letting go of old wounds, forgiving the errors others have made toward you and forgiving yourself for having given in to an age-old human vice. If revenge has been eating away at you for some time, forgiveness will help you to finally let go. Promise yourself that you will not repeat the backstabbing talk and that you will catch yourself if you start it up again and stop immediately. It really is that basic when it comes to stopping yourself from spreading tales. Bear in mind that friendship is a source of healing and regeneration. Instead of turning away from it, turn into it and stay loyal. Find more constructive ways to communicate with people in social settings that make you feel uncomfortable or left out. If your conversation skills need a boost, learn ways to find better topics of conversation. If your nerves are shredded in public, learn how to cope better through increasing your confidence. If you’re suffering from a social phobia, get help to overcome it. Using gossip about friends is never a substitute for improving yourself.
Avoid making excuses. Simply explain that you have fallen into a bad habit of gossiping, you realize that it is both wrong and hurtful and you have made a determined decision to cease being a gossip or to share any more of your friend’s personal information without his or her permission.
