Ignore it at bedtime. If you catch them masturbating at bedtime or when they are alone in the bathroom, you should not punish them, and should just leave them be instead. Remember that masturbation does not necessarily mean that your child will become sexually active with another person soon. It is just a sign of personal body discovery. Until inappropriate behavior in front of others has been addressed, provide your child with some privacy at home, but continue to supervise them in front of other children.
If they are younger, you might use a game to do so. For example, you could play “I Spy. " If they are older, then you can ask them a question or ask them to do you a favor, such as: “Can you go get me a few napkins, please?” If this doesn’t work, say “Please stop that” and then redirect them.
If this is an older child, consider a fidget toy, such as a fidget box, fidget spinner, or even a piece of clay.
If they are too young, then go home with them and have a conversation then.
Do not directly ask about masturbation because you might embarrass your child or put their teacher on alert. Instead, try: “I wanted to check how Henry is doing in your class. Do you have any updates about his grades or his behavior that I should know about?” If his teacher tells you that he has been masturbating in class, thank them and let them know you are working with your child and to call you if it happens again.
Consistency is important, so any other caretakers should be on the same page regarding handling your child’s masturbation.
Give them a healthy amount of praise, one-on-one time, and positive attention. Allow your child to try a number of different hobbies and activities. Finding some that they truly enjoy can help keep them engaged and boost their self-esteem. Let your child know that they are capable, valued, and accepted in your home. Create a warm, supportive environment to help bolster your child’s confidence.
Remember: don’t shame them or make them feel guilty for masturbation; simply explain to them that doing it in public is problematic.
Say something like “Jeremy, your body is yours and you can touch it if you want. Your private parts are private, so if you want to touch it, you need to do it when you’re alone. People will feel embarrassed and uncomfortable if you do it in public. If you want to do it, you can do it in your room. Do you understand?” Don’t raise the issue in front of others. You don’t want your child to feel humiliated in public or in front of their siblings.
Compare it to other things that should be done in private, like bathing or using the restroom.
Tell them that they need to clean up after themselves if they make a mess. If your family bathroom(s) can be very busy, then tell them to only do it in their room. (You don’t want them masturbating in the bathroom for a long time when other people need to use the bathroom. )
With younger children, don’t get more intense than they’re ready for; be honest, but keep it simple. For example, you might just say, “Touching there is okay, but only in private. It’s not okay to do that in class or when other people are in the room at home. Do you want to go to your room to take a break and do that?” Think about who would be the most effective person to talk to your child. Some children may respond better to the parent of the same gender, or may be more willing to engage with the parent to whom they are closer.
Note that repeated urinary tract infections may also be a sign of excessive masturbation and potential ongoing abuse.
Consider taking away their phone or TV privileges. Say something like “Amy, you know we have talked about masturbation. It’s okay for you to do in your room, but it’s not okay to do at school. Since you did that today, you cannot use your phone or tablet today. ”
If they begin to touch themselves near you, ask them to go to their room or to the bathroom.
Respecting your child’s boundaries will make it more likely that they will respect yours in return. Consider giving your child a “Do Not Disturb” sign to hang up on their door when they need privacy.
Be prepared to answer any questions that your child may have. It would be unfair to them to make promises that you don’t intend to keep.
Practice proper coping in your daily life, especially when your child is around, to help them better understand how to properly deal with emotionally stressful situations.
