They might think that their fights are no big deal, and haven’t thought about it from your perspective. When you’re deciding, it might help to write down the impact that the fights are having on you. Do some journaling so that you can get a clearer understanding of your own emotions before trying to articulate them to another person or to your parents in this situation.
Wait until they’ve calmed down, and tell them that you want to talk about something that’s been bothering you. [3] X Research source Analyze the situation and try to understand if it would be better to talk to them together or separately. Both options have their pros and cons, and the best option will depend entirely on your family dynamics. Talking to your parents separately can backfire, depending on who you talk to first, as the other parent might feel like you’re taking sides.
For example, “Mom and Dad, it seems like you have been having a lot of fights lately, especially in the mornings when we’re all getting ready. ”
For example, you could follow up by saying “I’m not really sure why there have been so many fights lately. Maybe it’s because you guys have been working extra shifts or because you have to bring me to school early for band practice. ”
For example, you can continue the conversation by saying “Anyway, it’s been pretty stressful. I’m worried that you’re mad because of me, and I’m worried that you’re going to split up. ”
You can, however, ask them to try keep you out of it, or to do their best to argue in private.
Make sure that your message includes all of the steps outlined above (about telling them how things seem to you, etc. ), and then rehearse it.
If you write your parents, you still want to communicate effectively, so think about the steps we explained above so that you know what to include your letter.
With luck, you guys can all begin to work it out, and may be able to come up with a plan about how to handle stress, disagreements and fights in the future.
Pick someone who cares about you, who you can trust, and who look out for you. Think about going to a relative, a school counselor, your favorite teacher, or your religious leader for advice. [10] X Research source
You may not like the sound of this at all, especially if you are shy or private or are just worried that it will be boring. Remember though that it’s a good sign! If your parents suggest you all go to counseling, it means that they care about trying to keep the family safe and happy. If you’re the one suggesting family therapy, try to make some research beforehand to present them with professional options, since it will be easier for them to choose a therapist this way.
Eavesdropping while your parents are fighting will probably just upset you more, when there’s a good chance that they will soon work it out.
For example, you can go to your room and read a book or play a video game, or go play just try to keep being occupied outside the conversation[12] X Research source
For example, a lot of parents get stressed out and argue during long car trips. If this happens, you can still try to find a way to tune them out. For example, put your ear-buds in and listen to some relaxing or fun music, or try to focus on a magazine or book.
You may be worried that your parents will be mad at you for involving the police, but remember that it’s always better to be safe than sorry, and that it is not your fault that the police were called—it is their fault (totally and completely) for having put you in that difficult position.
However, it’s important for you to understand that it’s normal and sometimes even healthy for parents to disagree and argue with one another. [14] X Research source If your parents don’t fight all the time, and if neither of them seems particularly worried, you may not need to worry too much yourself about their occasional argument.
Chances are, they’ll both start to feel better soon and will make up.
One of your parents’ jobs is to teach you that disagreement is something we can’t avoid, even with the people we love, and to teach you how to deal with it. If your parents hide all of their disagreements from you, it may be harder for you to learn how handle those sorts of situations when you are in a relationship. Hopefully your parents let you know that they’re not mad at each other once they’re done fighting and that they’ve worked it out. If they always forget to tell you this, and you have to watch them nervously to figure out if everything is ok again, you may want to have a talk with them.
Once you cooled down, you probably had to apologize and explain that you didn’t mean those hurtful things. While we want our parents to always act perfectly, they will also sometimes say hurtful things to each other that deep down they really don’t mean. Hopefully, they will also apologize soon after the fight.
While it’s easier to blame yourself and it’s hard not to think that it’s your fault, it’s very important that you understand that it is never your fault that your parents are fighting. [17] X Research source Your parents have made a grown-up decision to have this argument, and it’s their fault that they aren’t handling it well. Remember that even though a fight might seem like it’s only about one thing (you) it might actually be about a lot of other things that have nothing to do with you. [18] X Research source
However, you also need to remember that fighting is normal between people who love each other. A fight doesn’t mean that your parents don’t love each other (or you), and even having several fights doesn’t mean that your parents will get divorced. [19] X Research source
