Some researchers refer to a partner’s bad habits in a relationship as “social allergies” - the habits are a minor annoyance at first, but over time they can lead to annoyance, resentment, and even disgust. [1] X Research source If your partner’s language is a significant problem to you, or if you believe it may become more of a problem for you in the future, you owe it to have an honest and straightforward discussion with your partner. As with any bad habit, the sooner you address it, the better it will be for you and your relationship. If swearing is a deal-breaker for you, it may be better to rethink whether or not you should be in a relationship with the person.
Let your partner know that you love them, and that you do not resent them for who they are. At the same time, though, you need to be upfront and communicate to them in no uncertain terms that their behavior upsets you. [2] X Research source Don’t discount your partner’s feelings or lapse into judgmental behavior, as this may alienate your partner and create further tension. [3] X Research source Use “I” statements to convey that your partner’s behavior upsets you. “You” statements tend to communicate anger, accusation, or frustration, whereas “I” statements address the way you feel about the behavior. [4] X Research source Instead of saying “Your language is awful and you’re unpleasant to be around,” say something less hurtful and less absolute, such as “I love you and I’m not trying to judge you, but your language is a problem for me. " Tell them why you want them to stop swearing instead of saying it is wrong. For example, you can say you feel more respectful when they do not swear.
Have an honest, back-and-forth dialogue about what you’d like your partner to do instead, and ask for their honest feedback. Agree to a progression. Work on curbing casual swearing first, as some language patterns (like swearing while in pain, for example) may be more difficult for your partner to break. After casual swearing has been eliminated, work on your partner’s swearing when they’re upset. The last step, and potentially the most difficult, will be to eliminate reactive swearing (like swearing in response to an injury or shock).
Talk to your partner about their limits, and convey your own expectations and concerns. Dialogue is important through this entire process. If you and your partner are not equally communicating what you want and what you are willing to compromise on, it can quickly lead to arguments and feelings of resentment.
Set incremental goals. Don’t expect change to happen overnight, but don’t give your partner a never-ending timeframe or they won’t be motivated to make any progress. Ask your partner what they think would be a reasonable timeframe, and try to focus on negotiations instead of demands.
Ask your partner what they like and what would help keep them motivated. They may have some kind of minor indulgence, like getting takeout from a favorite restaurant or going out with friends after work, which could help keep them motivated and on some kind of progress schedule.
Even as you work to control your partner’s swearing, their need for expressive words will not diminish. Coming up with euphemisms or nonsensical words can be a fun and humorous bonding exercise.
A swear jar may seem like a “punishment,” but it can actually act as a sort of motivation over time. As more money accumulates, your partner will realize that that money won’t be spent on a fun date night until they stop swearing, which may give them the push they need.
Ask your partner to wear a rubber band around their wrist. Any time they slip up and swear, tap your wrist to remind them to snap the rubber band. Use a dry erase board to tally up the swear words used each week. Any time they swear, ask them to write down the word they said. This can help your partner track their progress and see if their swearing is improving.
Don’t address swearing during a moment of anger or frustration, as this may cause your partner to get angry with you or to escalate their anger at the situation at hand. Help your partner through moments of crisis, wait until they’re calm, and then talk to them (gently) about how certain situations seem to set them off. They may not even be aware of it themselves. [12] X Research source
Instead of focusing on “punishment” (like withholding things your partner likes), focus on celebrating their accomplishments, no matter how small or minor they may seem to you. [13] X Research source Remember that progress is slow and often marked by a series of minor victories and setbacks. Be patient and help your partner the best you can.
Don’t just offer a big reward once the goal has been met. You should have a goal for the end in mind, but offer little goals along the way to help your partner feel your support.
Work to develop patience by changing your own mindset. Practice mindfulness and practice breathing exercises. Don’t see your partner’s slip ups as an indication of failure or a lack of effort on your part or theirs. [15] X Research source Recognize that your partner is trying, and continue to offer them support. Celebrate their accomplishments, no matter how small. Remember that change takes time and patience. Your partner needs your support during times of change and struggle more than ever.
