Ask what household management rules and expectations are already in the household. Then, ask politely whether they’re open to having a discussion about renewing those arrangements once you join the household. This will give you an indicator of how receptive they are to listening, learning and being open to change. If they’re okay about changing a few things to accommodate you too, that can be a good sign. If there are no household management rules in place, be sure they’re willing to change this, as these are the best way for ensuring equal pitching in to run the household smoothly. Ask questions about their interests and hobbies. This will give you a good indicator of what they get up to in their spare time and whether their activities are likely to impinge on the household arrangements and amenity. Ask about the household rules related to parties and bringing home friends. This will give you a good feel for whether you are about to join a household keen on wild partying (great if you like that, not so great if you don’t), dinner parties or occasional events, and if fair warning is the norm. It will also give you some ideas about who might be coming over to stay without actually being an ongoing part of the household. You might also ask something like: “If I wanted my mom and dad to stay for a few days when they visit the city, would that be okay?” Gauge their reaction to see if it matches with your preferences.
You could even offer to pay an extra month’s (or so) rent if you decide to leave earlier than you expected. This may be better than staying stuck in a rooming situation that just isn’t working out for you.
It is not your problem whether people you live with are not used to picking up after themselves. To “accept” that they don’t is to perpetuate the myth that some people are entitled to be lazy while other people have a duty to do the picking up. It doesn’t matter how your roommates were raised, they’re in the big world now, and the big world expects them to be responsible. If things are getting messy, assume leadership (not ownership), at least temporarily, with respect to getting things in order. When disorder descends, point to the agreed roster and rules on household management responsibilities. Avoid making demeaning statements, but be honest. Try keeping your observations factual by saying something like, “The sink is being used for food prep. Kindly put those dirty dishes straight into the dishwasher. " Don’t explain, don’t complain; there is no need to justify wanting cleanliness. Consider having differentiated approaches to certain areas of the house. For example, messy bedrooms are fine provided the doors are kept shut (after all, you might prove to be the messiest member of the household if you never hang your clothes up, but that’s your space), while the living area must, without fail, always be acceptable enough to bring friends home without embarrassment.
Make a time to sit down with your roommates and distribute the cleaning duties. Weekly clean-up can also be a good time to do forward planning, such as making grocery lists, writing requests to the landlord about repairs needing to be done, discussing any household issues that any person has, etc.
Have clear household rules in place about hosting events using the property you all live in. As with cleaning, there must be clarity on what’s acceptable, what’s okay by way of spontaneous visits from groups of friends, and what is not appropriate. Together, set up house rules with boundaries on noise levels, quantity/type of party events, times visitors can call, whether or not people can stay over, and so forth. If there is a party and such events bother you, consider whether you’d prefer to schedule a night out or do something else for a few hours. Unless the party-throwing is constant, it’s important to find ways to ensure that everyone in the household has their chance to use the premises in ways they enjoy too.
Be sure to include snacks in the household rules. Snacks tend to disappear for party events, and it is the responsibility of the person throwing the party to pay for these, not to use other householder’s supplies. Mundane-yet-essential things such as cleaning gear, first aid supplies and household safety (batteries for those smoke alarms) should also be incorporated into the shared household spending budget.
If there are different dietary needs or mealtime preferences, include these in your discussions about when the kitchen gets used by whom, and how to keep food preparation areas and utensils clean/separate to meet everyone’s dietary preferences. It is a lot better to talk about these things than to feel upset all the time or that your preferences are being compromised. If food goes walking, try putting sticky notes on food you have put away, making it obvious that is off limits to anyone else in the household. Have a house rule that it’s okay to ask for food but not okay to assume that food is for the taking. Hide snacks if they disappear a lot. Whether you’re living with all-males, all-females, your family, or any other arrangement, sometimes the temptation is simply too much. Maybe even for yourself. . .
