Kindly and gently say something along the lines of, “Dad, it really hurts me to see you in such pain. When you said ‘I feel like killing myself,’ did you really mean that?” If Dad says, “I was just so frustrated. . . but I’m fine now” that means you can probably exhale. It does not mean he won’t feel worse later, but it does mean he wasn’t serious. Continue to monitor him in the coming weeks, and it is okay to ask periodically if he is thinking about suicide. If Dad says something along the lines of, “I’m just tired of everything,” or “I’m tired of living, I’d be better off dead”, that is much more serious. Validate their feelings and remember that these kinds of thoughts are actually common. Try to really understand what is going on with your parent and make sure they feel heard and validated.
If Dad says, “I’d probably use my gun,” it is absolutely necessary that you figure out where the gun is. If it’s locked in a gun box or locker, you should take possession of the key. If it’s in the nightstand drawer, you could go and hide it elsewhere. However, that is a serious threat, no matter how you cut it because Dad (A) has a plan (a gun) and (B) has the means (the gun) to carry out the threat. Remove the gun from the house, then call the emergency services or take your dad to the nearest emergency room for psychological evaluation and referral for treatment. On the other hand, if Dad responds with something like, “Oh, I don’t know. Maybe pills? Something painless?” this is a less credible threat, but regardless, it should still be taken very seriously. You can press a little and ask what sort of pills. A response like, “Tylenol — lots of it. We have a huge bottle of them,” is bad (he knows what pills he is thinking of, and has enough on hand). Something like, “I haven’t thought it out that far. " is not as bad (he’s unsure if he has enough to do the job and which pills he’s even thinking of). In either case, it is imperative that your dad seek professional help for evaluation and treatment. Call his primary care physician, therapist, or psychiatrist if he has an established provider.
That said, you don’t have to be a mental health professional to listen and to be a good person. Remember to validate their feelings and to look for different resources while you both discuss the options of professional help. Avoid saying things like “Just snap out of it” or “You shouldn’t think about this”. These kinds of ideas aren’t going to make your parent feel safe enough to share how they’re feeling, and that is extremely important.
As they get older and lose independence, it’s common for parents to think that they are a burden, specially if there are medical or cognitive conditions involved in the situation. Make sure you listen to their concerns and validate them. Do not dismiss their feelings.
Keep it short — it’s not about a long rant. It’s about (A) putting your faith to work at a crucial time for a person in need and (B) letting your parent know how very much you love and care for her by offering a very intimate gift. Praying may have the effect of soothing your heart, and making you feel more confident, plus it can really help your parent to know that your faith is helping you to be strong when she cannot be. Take pride in the fact that you are doing what you can to help your parent get the help they deserve.
“If you leave me here all alone, I will kill myself. " “If I can’t come live with you, I may as well just die. " “If you really love me and want me to stay alive, you wouldn’t treat me like this. "
For example, say “Mom, I love you so much and I definitely don’t want you to hurt yourself, but you can’t come to live with me right now. I will do what I can to make sure you get the help you need. " Such a statement shows compassion, but sets boundaries of what you will and won’t do.
Stand firm in your boundaries. And, remember, even if you were to give in this one time, it wouldn’t resolve the underlying emotional problem that prompted them to threaten suicide in the first place. Let your parent know that you are concerned for his safety, thus when they threaten suicide you will take them seriously and call the emergency services so they can receive the proper treatment. Setting this boundary releases you from manipulation while ensuring your parent remains safe.
Once you identify emotional manipulation hiding behind these suicidal threats, consult with a therapist for your parent and yourself. With the guidance of a professional, you may be able to express your feelings about being manipulated in a safe environment without fearing your parent will attempt suicide.
Clearly state your concerns, but continue to stand behind your boundaries: “Dad, it hurts me to hear you say you want to kill yourself. But, no matter what I say or do, that decision lies with you. I can’t stop you from harming yourself, but I do want you to get the appropriate help. "
