Concentrate on the current situation, not past ones. Try not to get too wordy — explain what you’re feeling and why. Finally, say what you would like to see happen. After that, answer any questions they have. It may help to write out what you need to say before talking to this person. If you are convinced that the words won’t come out right, put your written words into a letter — edited more than once for a balanced delivery — and personally give it to him or her. Effectiveness goes way up when you stay while your friend reads it, so that you can stay to answer questions. Always an excellent standard: good news by letter, bad news in person.
Turn off any cell phones or pagers that might disrupt the flow of the conversation.
Ask a genuine question that is based on facts as you perceive them. Ask an open-ended question – that is, one that the other person can respond to without the conversation being shut down. Ask with respect and kindness.
For example, if you are asking someone that you have been casually seeing if they are interested in moving the relationship along, be upfront, but avoid being melodramatic.
For example, if you’re asking someone if they want to be more serious and they don’t want this, even though it is disappointing, it is good to know that so that you don’t set yourself up to get hurt by falling for him or her too much.
If you need time to cool down or to keep from getting too emotional, excuse yourself to the restroom, take a few minutes and a few deep breaths.
Don’t preach or try to change the other person’s answer. You must assume that they are speaking honestly and in good faith. Allow the other person to share what is in their heart – listen for it. Be very patient. Some people may want to tell you, but they will need to battle their own ego and concerns to speak of it. Don’t try cut in and talk until you are sure that the other person has finished talking.
For example, the other person doesn’t want to take dance lessons 5 days a week. Maybe you could try once or twice a week? What arrangement or changes might put the two of you on the road to freedom for 5 dance lessons a week? What would that take from you, and for how long?
