Too many arguments. Arguing and disagreeing with someone on a daily basis can take a toll not only on the relationship, but also on your psyche and self esteem. While some couples feed on the excitement of arguing and then subsequent making up, most people become exhausted and distracted from other aspects of life. No mental or physical attraction. In order to have a healthy, balanced relationship you need to have both physical and mental (or cerebral) attraction. Convincing yourself to stay with someone based on looks or personality alone can only take you so far and eventually you’ll stray from the relationship. However, if you felt it on both ends, but your partner didn’t, you must remember that you deserve to be with someone who is both mentally and physically attracted to you too. Relationship timing was off. Perhaps your schedule or his or her schedule was too hectic or one of you had to move to another city––either way, scheduling and location problems can often cause problems in a relationship. Instead of wallowing in the break-up, take it for what it is––a break. Give your sorrow to a higher power and consider the relationship to be a possibility in the future. If it was meant to be you will find each other again. Somebody cheated. Cheating is the enormous red flag in a relationship. If you were the person who strayed, understand that you should have first broken it off with the other person instead of betraying the relationship. However, what’s done is done and you must move on no matter what. And, if you were the one who was wronged, try to remember that you wouldn’t want to entrust your love to someone who would seek romance in the arms of another while still being in a relationship with you––you deserve better. The whole dating thing was a bit of a game. Perhaps not for you but perhaps for your partner, or perhaps both of you never really knew whether you meant to stay committed seriously. If one or both of you thought this relationship was just about having a good time, then it’s likely that a deeper connection was never going to be made.
Isolation. A time when you need to be alone and reflective. Typically this first stage materializes while you are still somewhat in a state of shock. If you like to meditate, do so when going through your phase of solitude. Anger. Often you will feel anger not only toward the other person but also toward yourself or perhaps to any surrounding circumstances. Anger can be let go through reflection and detachment but you need to acknowledge the anger first. Bargaining. At this point you may try to regain control of the situation by thinking about ways you could have handled it differently. Typical thoughts include: “If I only were more attentive to his or her needs”, or “If I had only found him funnier. " Depression or feeling low. Nearly everyone who experiences a break-up may feel some level of depression or the blues. Be aware of how deep your depression dips––if you wallow for more than a month or two and have thoughts of hurting yourself or anyone else, you must seek psychological attention immediately. Be especially alert if you’re already prone to depression, in which case, see the doctor after two weeks if your mood isn’t lifting. Acceptance. The stage where you feel at peace and accept the break-up is when you can finally move on.
Ditch all alcohol, sugar and greasy food in the pantry. This may sound insane but you need to eat a clean diet in order to start feeling physically (and mentally) better. Go and buy healthy food and grab a really cool, appetizing healthy food cookbook to get you started. Hit the gym hard. Exercise can help you to conquer the blues, as exercise releases endorphins, those important “happy hormones” that help us to think a little more clearly and maintain a sunnier outlook toward life. Keep good friends close. An afternoon seeing your favorite comedy film with a close pal can keep you from wallowing in sadness. Also, talking it out over dinner with a group of buddies will remind you that you are loved and have a secure support system. It is important that you are selective of who you surround yourself with during your process of healing. Selecting friends or family members that you trust and feel safe to be vulnerable with is vital to your healing, renewing, and rebuilding.
Remove, clear, and reclaim your space. This includes removing photos of the person you were seeing (within your home, office, and/or on your social media page). It can also include giving yourself permission to get rid of any of their gifts or items that remind you of them. See your feelings for what they are––often ways to block ourselves from moving on because it is more comfortable to wallow in sorrow and suffer than to acknowledge the feelings but then let go of that familiar way of coping. Ultimately, causing yourself to suffer is not coping, it’s hurting your chances of a full recovery. Don’t hold onto the old relationship. If you do, you are trying to hold onto the past, to something familiar but now illusory. Seek to enjoy the present, to be in the moment. Let go, in order to let happiness back in. Realize that letting go takes daily commitment and recommitment; it isn’t meant to be easy but if you’re consistent, it will eventuate. Learn to spot those negative moments and stop them. When they threaten to overwhelm you, openly acknowledge the thoughts and then redirect your thoughts toward letting go. Dwelling on trying to get back what has gone is an attempt to stay attached; seek to control only what you can control––your own thoughts. Stop justifying. Let go of the “if only’s” and “I can’t live without’s”; realize just how destructive these thoughts are, in that they are fantasies that limit and imprison you. Start believing that you’re strong enough to face the future and do things to show this to yourself, such as enrolling in something, seeing your friends or writing it all out in a novel and getting it published. Allow yourself to grow. See yourself as a fluid––the person you were when dating your ex has gone. You are now moving on to another stage of your being, realizing more self-discovery and ways to keep finding your true self. Both parties usually play a role in the demise of a relationship. To support a healthy recovery after the breakup, it is important that you take ownership for your role in any hurt feelings and challenges that your romantic relationship went through to support a clean slate moving forward. This is even more important if you want to keep a friendship after the breakup.
Treat this breakup as a learning experience in how to hold people lightly. There is always a risk that if you hold too tightly, you suffocate. And while there is a risk that a person let go may never return, it is better that they make the choice to stay around based on truly loving you than feeling bound to you.
