If not making eye contact feels odd to you, try sitting or walking side by side, or chatting while doing something that involves your eyes (like drawing or crochet). They may not always look at you when listening to you. Unlike non-autistic people, autistic people don’t always look at the person or thing they are thinking about.
Try asking first: “Would you like a hug?” This gives them the chance to decline if they’re feeling too overwhelmed. If you’re going to touch an autistic person, let them see your hand coming. This keeps from startling them, and gives them time to pull away or say no. Autistic people usually can’t handle touch when experiencing sensory overload. Don’t assume that a “yes” from yesterday will guarantee a “yes” today. Conversely, they might have been unable to process a hug yesterday, but would love a hug today.
Pay attention if they say they can’t handle something. If they say it, they mean it. Sometimes autistic people have a hard time understanding when they’re overwhelmed. If you notice that they look stressed, take them somewhere less overwhelming.
Trouble with figurative language. Sarcasm and humor may be confusing to autistic people. If they act strange or confused, you may need to clarify that you weren’t serious. Speech processing issues. Regardless of their intelligence or vocabulary, it may take them time to translate sounds into meanings in their heads. Allow for pauses in the conversation, to give them time to think and react. Avoid rattling off long lists of things—write it down if you expect them to remember all of it. Use your normal tone of voice. Avoid talking to adults in baby talk. [4] X Research source
Since social rules can be harder for autistic people to understand, they may unintentionally say something rude. Assume the best: that they walked away because they didn’t know how to end a conversation, instead of that they walked away because they hate you. Check with them. “I noticed that you didn’t respond when I said hi to you in the grocery store yesterday. Were you ignoring me, or did you not notice me?” They’ll appreciate the clarity. If they hurt your feelings, say so. This gives them the opportunity to realize that you were upset and apologize to you.
Help them find a quiet, private place so they can calm down. Avoid asking questions, pressuring them to speak, or trying to distract them. Give them time. [6] X Research source Reduce sensory input. Never grab them without permission or shout at them. Remember, they can’t control it, and they probably feel deeply ashamed about losing control in a public place. [7] X Research source Meltdowns feel terrible. [8] X Research source Once they feel better, you can ask about what happened, and what could be done next time to better meet their needs (if anything). If they don’t want to talk about it, then let it go.
If their stimming is interfering with your needs (e. g. , their pacing is making you literally feel dizzy), gently ask for them to switch to a different stim. Never ask them to stop stimming just because it makes you feel embarrassed or awkward. If an autistic person stims around you, consider it a compliment—they trust you enough to be themselves around you.
It doesn’t have to be a big deal: all you’re asking is “What can I do to help?” This will improve the quality of your interactions—a girl who was previously inattentive in a cafeteria might become an active conversation partner in a quiet, non-distracting cafe. It may take them time to respond, and they may revise their responses later. Autism is a complex disability, and it’s difficult to think of every important aspect off of the top of their heads.
Beware groups that exclude autistic people, focus on what “burdens” and “disasters” they are, or portray themselves as anti-autism. These groups are not helpful, and not accurate. Listen to real autistic people. Some parents and therapists exist who write compassionate, insightful resources. For example, Ariane Zurcher of Emma’s Hope Book and Dr. Jonine Biesman are well-regarded among autistic people. These people can also provide good information.
If you aren’t sure if a question is appropriate or not, look it up on the internet. That way, you can save your embarrassment for yourself as you realize that of course autistic people have bellybuttons, and you won’t make anyone uncomfortable by accident.
“It’s been nice talking about cats, but I’m a little tired of the subject right now. Could we talk about school or something else instead, and talk more about cats later?” “I need to go work on a project now, okay? I’ll see you at dinner. " “Well, I’d better hurry, so I won’t be late for my meeting. Catch you later!” “I need some alone time right now. "
Autistic people may miss subtle signs that you want to leave. If you’re talking about something that doesn’t interest them, they might not know how to change the subject or let you know that they’d rather go do something else. If they act abrupt or leave unexpectedly, brush it off. They probably didn’t mean any harm by it.
