WINGERT: Should parents ever lie in answer to a child’s questions about reproduction and sexuality? HAFFNER: No. We still have this idea that when children are small–2.5 to 5–we should give fanciful answers. People still answer questions about where babies come from with tales of storks and cabbage patches. If you do that, you are unintentionally telling your child that you can’t be trusted on these important issues, and they won’t come to you when they need this kind of information. If you don’t know the answer to their question–say that, and then look it up and get back to them. From the earliest ages, you should teach your children the correct names of their body parts–vulva and penis–not some made-up words. If you don’t call them by their real names, it sends the message that these body parts are bad or different.

Most people believe that parents should be the ones to broach the subject of sex–but do most parents actually do it?

Most parents wait until puberty to talk about sex, and the whole point of this book is that it should be an ongoing topic from birth on. We still have this notion of “the big talk.” But the big talk never worked–it didn’t work with us, and it doesn’t work now. Parents need to realize that if they don’t talk to their children about sex, somebody else will–usually an older child on the playground or the bus. How much better it would be if, instead, they heard a simple explanation from you, the parent.

What do you say if your child walks in on lovemaking?

You say, “Honey, can you leave? I’ll be with you in a minute.” Then kiss your partner, get dressed and go see them. Do not make the child wait. If they are preschool age, it’s important to ask them what they saw and how they interpreted what they saw. Correct any misinformation with simple explanations. Small children often think their parents are fighting, so just say something like “Mommy and Daddy were just showing how they love each other,” and then wait and see what else comes up. Don’t think it’s necessary to give a detailed explanation of intercourse at that moment. Then get a lock for the bedroom door.

When do you discuss alternative lifestyles?

That depends on your family situation. If you are a gay parent yourself, or if the child has an aunt who is lesbian, you need to address it sooner than with a child who is not directly in contact with gays or lesbians. By elementary school, they will hear the word “gay” as a put-down. At that point, you should say something like “Most people fall in love with a person of the other sex. Some people grow up and fall in love with people of the same sex”… You can tell your children that there are many different kinds of families without giving them a detailed explanation of how people of the same sex make love differently.

How do parents warn their children about pedophiles?

You should talk to them about sexual-abuse prevention by the time they’re in preschool. Tell them their bodies are good, and belong to them, and there is no reason for an adult or another child to touch their genitals– except a parent who is bathing them or a doctor who is examining them. If anyone touches them in a way that makes them feel uncomfortable, they should come to you. Most child sexual abuse involves someone the child already knows: a relative, friend or neighbor. Too often, parents only talk about strangers or dangerous people.

What’s the best way to delay sexual activity and protect kids against AIDS and pregnancy?

Parental involvement works. If you communicate openly and set clear limits, your children are more likely to abstain and use contraceptives. Children want to hear from you on these issues.