If someone faces you, leans in to talk, or keeps her arms open instead of crossed, that person is probably eager to talk. [2] X Research source Smiling, especially a Duchenne smile, is a sign of welcome and positive engagement. To decipher a Duchenne smile (often called a genuine smile), look for narrowed eyes that form wrinkles or “crow’s feet” at the outside corners of each eye. [3] X Research source Direct eye contact is a very strong indication of interest and engagement. If the person you’re chatting with is looking you in the eye, she probably is interested in what you’re saying, or at least wants to continue the conversation. Conversely, if the person avoids your eyes or moves away from you in some way, she probably does not want to continue the conversation.
Shake hands when you first meet. It’s a good way to initiate the greeting, as it shows courtesy and respect. [5] X Research source Make eye contact and smile while you extend your hand to shake. Say hello and state your name. Try something like, “Hi, I’m ____. " If the setting is very casual, you can use a more informal greeting like “Hey” or “What’s up,” but be sure to still say your name. If the other person does not offer her name, you can ask, “What’s your name?” Be sure you remember the person’s name. Try associating it with someone you know by the same name, or use a mnemonic device to recall her name later. For example, if the person’s name is Brenda and she has brown hair, you can use the first two letters of both words to recall brown hair with Brenda.
If the person you’re talking to says where she’s from, don’t ask “Did you like it there?” That will only provoke a yes or no answer. Instead, ask something like, “Wow, I’ve never been there. What was it like living there?” Instead of asking where someone works, try a broader question like, “What do you do?” It invites an explanation of both the job she works and the place she’s employed, which can lead to further questions and discussions.
Don’t worry about what to say next. Be a good listener and take in everything your conversational partner is saying, and you’re sure to find something to ask about or expand on. [11] X Research source Practice empathetic reflecting skills. This means nodding at what’s being said to show you comprehend it, and then (once the other person is done talking) restating it in your own words to show you’ve absorbed it. For example, if the person says that she thinks blues music is the best genre of music, give a polite nod and say something like, “The blues certainly have influenced a lot of other genres in American music. I guess blues music is sort of the foundation for most contemporary music. " Resist any urge to offer judgment. Judging your conversational partner for what she’s said when you do not know her can quickly alienate her and force the conversation to a premature ending. Instead, reflect on what the person says and work on picking up on nonverbal communications. Be aware of your own nonverbal signals as well. Don’t flinch if someone says they’re a Republican and you’re a Democrat. Simply ask something like, “That’s interesting. I don’t know many Republicans. What informs your beliefs?”
Watch how long you speak for. 30 to 60 seconds is generally acceptable, but if you go over a minute of consecutive talk time on one single response, you’re pushing the other person’s ability to maintain focus. [13] X Research source Don’t overshare. There are some things people simply don’t want to hear about, and that is particularly important if you’re chatting with someone you barely know. Rather than talking about your medical history or a recent breakup, talk about things that are interesting and relatable. [14] X Research source Avoid making it all about you. Instead, try to talk about things that you can both relate to, and use your best judgment when bringing up anything remotely controversial or highly-opinionated. Use “I” statements instead of declarative statements. [15] X Research source For example, instead of saying, “New York is the worst place to live,” frame your comment around your own experience. In that example you could say something like, “I understand why everyone loves New York, but I had a really hard time adjusting there. It’s very expensive to live in New York, and the people aren’t as friendly there as they are here. "
Excuse yourself politely. Tell the other person you need to get a drink of water or use the restroom. That way you can collect yourself, and if you want to return to the conversation later, you will still have an opening to jump in. [16] X Research source
Say something cordial, such as, “Well, it’s been great talking to you” or “I’ve really enjoyed our conversation. " You can also offer something thoughtful to show that you’re not trying to be rude. Say something like, “Well, you must be busy,” or if a third person expresses interest in chatting you can say something like, “I’ll leave you two to carry on. It was really great talking to you!”
You don’t have to talk about serious political positions - in fact, it might be best if you avoid controversial or highly-opinionated subjects. Try asking someone, “So have you heard about _____?” Then ask her for her opinion on the subject. There’s a good chance that a simple question like that can lead to other topics of conversation, and you’ll also learn a lot about the other person from her responses.
If a person’s social media photograph shows her hiking or playing sports, you’ll know that she’s interested in those pursuits. A photograph of a pet lets you know that she’s very interested in animals. A photo with her children tells you that she has a family, and may be interested in talking about the struggles and rewards of parenting. Don’t use social media or the internet to “stalk” another person. Simply take a glance and see what you can deduce about a person, if you know for certain that that individual will be at the social event you’re attending. Then come up with something to talk about, should the opportunity arise.
Decide how you will open the conversation. People will inevitably ask what you do, so plan out how you can talk about your work in a way that an outsider will understand and find interesting. Prepare some basic questions to get the conversation going. You will probably want to ask the person what her name is, what she does for a living (or what she’s studying, if she’s a student), and how she knows any mutual acquaintances you might share. [20] X Research source [v160969_b01]. 10 February 2021. Anticipate similar questions being asked of you, and know what to say. You don’t have to write a script for yourself, but simply knowing in advance that those types of questions will be asked can help you better prepare for the interaction.
Learn to recognize when an upcoming event is making you feel anxious. If the thought of talking to strangers gives you a fluttering in your stomach, sweaty hands, dry mouth, a headache, a tight jaw, or the feeling that you’re grinding your teeth, there’s a good chance that you’re feeling stressed about the social event. [22] X Trustworthy Source American Institute of Stress Non-profit organization providing resources on stress-management in education, research, clinical care, and the workplace. Go to source Try to reframe the situation by shifting your focus away from how awkward and stressful the event will be, and instead think about how you might end up having very rewarding conversations that could lead to friendship, professional connections, or just a simply enjoyable time talking to someone new. Use a calming technique to help you lower your stress levels. [23] X Trustworthy Source Harvard Medical School Harvard Medical School’s Educational Site for the Public Go to source You can try deep breathing through your diaphragm, seated meditation, or even a visualization exercise. Try visualizing yourself leaving the social event empowered by your charisma, having had genuinely enjoyable conversations and made new friends or professional contacts. You can also use your calming technique right before you enter the social event to further prepare yourself.
