Instead of having one big talk, think about this as an ongoing conversation that lasts her entire childhood, providing your daughter with information about her body and sexuality. If you haven’t started having this ongoing conversation with your daughter, start now. As long as she is living with you, she can benefit from your wisdom and knowledge on these subjects.
Before age 8, focus on body positivity. Use the correct terms for body parts, like “vulva” and “vagina,” and teach her that girls and boys have different parts. Teach her about the difference between “good touch” like hugs and pats on the back, and “bad touch” in areas of the body covered by swimsuits. Teach her what to do if she is uncomfortable. By age 8, talk to your daughter about menstruation. While it is uncommon, your daughter could experience an early onset of menstruation any time after age 8 (although it is more common closer to 12). It can be a scary experience for a young girl to start her period without any knowledge that it is normal or preparation on what to do. [4] X Research source From about age 8-10, talk to her about relationships, peer pressure, and the changes in her and her friends’ bodies she can expect during puberty. Provide more information about menstruation as well as breast changes, hair and body odor, weight gain, and mood changes. [5] X Trustworthy Source Centers for Disease Control and Prevention Main public health institute for the US, run by the Dept. of Health and Human Services Go to source From 10-12, she will need to learn more details about menstruation, hygiene, and sexuality. From ages 12 and up, talk to her about romantic relationships and physical affection, including holding hands, kissing, and sexuality. Talk to her about pressure, bullying, and self-image.
Spend time together as a family. Eat dinner together. Develop mutual hobbies like gardening, sports, or camping and do these things as a family. Put away your tech. Encourage your family to be present in the moment during family times by eliminating distracting technology like phones, television, or game systems. The fewer distractions, the more likely your family will talk. Talk about everything together. Keep a running dialogue with your child. Ask questions, tell her about your day, and be involved with her day to day life. Prioritize her. If she comes to you with a question or wants to have a discussion, stop what you’re doing if you can and talk to her. If you can’t stop and talk then, schedule a time as soon as possible when you will talk to her about it. Follow through and actually have the conversation.
Whispering or acting as if the subject is secret or shameful might convey to your daughter that there is something wrong with her body or that you are upset with her. Remember that there is a difference between her privacy and secrecy.
Ask your librarian or local bookstore worker for suggestions, or visit parenting forums online to find recommendations. While your daughter probably uses the internet for research for school projects, let her know about the dangers of searching online for topics related to sexuality and the body. It’s important that you teach her from an early age that there are certain topics that are not safe to search online, not because you don’t trust her, but because the internet contains dangerous things. Additionally, be sure your home computer has parental controls to block questionable websites. Many well-meaning children have stumbled upon pornography or other problematic sites while searching for information on puberty.
Although it is great to foster an open family atmosphere where other siblings and both parents can have open discussions about puberty and sexuality, if your family is normally private or reticent about these things, now is probably not the time to force openness. She will probably not like her body changes being discussed in front of brothers or her father, in particular.
Being thorough, of course, doesn’t mean you have to tell her everything you know on the topic during one conversation. Tell her what she needs to know, and let her ask questions if she wants to know more.
Promise her you will always be honest with her, and keep that promise. Let her know that you may not always know the answer, but you will help her to find it. When she does come to you with questions, never brush her off or laugh at her questions. It might seem funny at the time (“Mom, can I get pregnant from kissing?”) but laughing sends the message that you don’t take her seriously. Remember, she does not have as much information or experience as you have.
Many girls also enjoy hearing stories about their mother’s experiences going through puberty. Don’t be afraid to share your best tips and stories, but remember to avoid telling her stories that will scare her or make her more anxious.
For most girls, the first sign of puberty is the development of breast buds. Her nipples may become more prominent as lumps develop behind them. Slowly, more breast tissue will develop. Her breasts may be uneven in size and tender, but this usually goes away in a few months. Breast buds usually appear around age 9 or 10, but can come earlier or later. [13] X Research source The next stage of puberty for most girls involves hair growing in the pubic area. Pubic hair usually begins to grow a year to two years after the appearance of breast buds, but it can happen sooner or later. Usually this hair starts out thin and soft, and gets thicker and curlier over the next few years. The next big milestone she should expect is menarche, or the first menstrual period. The average age for most girls’ first period is around 12, but it can happen sooner or later. [14] X Research source
Your daughter may feel anxious if she is an early bloomer and has gotten breasts or her period before her peers. Similarly, she might feel self-conscious if she is the last in her group of friends to go through puberty. Let her know there is a wide variation on what is normal; for example, some girls start their periods at age 9, while others don’t start until 16![16] X Research source
Sex always carries a risk of pregnancy and sexually transmitted infections, even if you use a condom. [18] X Research source
Most young girls are uncomfortable inserting tampons the first time, but they are available in slim or junior sizes to fit younger bodies. Explain how they work and see if she is interested in trying them. If not, she can rely on thin maxi pads with wings for period protection. Some girls may prefer to use cloth pads that can be laundered and reused. Show her each of these options and tell her how they are used. After she has started her period, let her experiment with different options if she wants to. Teach her how to dispose of tampons or maxi pads discreetly by wrapping them in the wrapper before discarding in the trash. Be sure she knows not to flush them down the toilet– even “flushable” tampons can clog drainage systems. Use a small cosmetics bag or other discreet bag and pack a “period readiness” kit for her to keep in her backpack or purse. That way, if she starts her period for the first time while at school or out of the house, she’ll have the supplies she needs. Include a panty liner, pads in a few different sizes, and a change of underwear.
Let your daughter know that shaving her pubic hair is not a good idea. It can cause irritation and pain on the thin skin beneath it, and can lead to infections and in-grown hairs. If your daughter is uncomfortable with her pubic hair, offer her a pair of clean hair scissors to cut it. Keep in mind that in cultures where women are encouraged to have hairless bodies, many girls experience embarrassment or even shame about their developing body hair. Never tease your daughter about her hair or make disparaging remarks about hair on other women’s or girls’ bodies.
If she is self conscious about her breast buds, she may ask for a bra, but many girls do not want to wear one at this age. Follow her lead.
