They may not talk much about feelings, and seem “out of their depth” when it comes to emotional nuances. They may not have strong feelings (or, they may have them but struggle to identify them, such as getting a stress stomachache and thinking “I must have eaten something bad”). They may seem aloof or cold. They may be awkward and detached from intimacy. They may be autistic. (Alexithymia and autism overlap, though not all people with alexithymia are autistic, and not all autistic people have alexithymia. )[2] X Research source
Ask “Are you familiar with alexithymia?” Ask how they feel alexithymia impacts them personally. (Different people have different levels of it. )
For example, if your partner isn’t good at listening to you vent, then maybe you could vent to your mom or your best friend instead, and then go hang out with your partner. If you are someone who needs a lot of emotional engagement in a relationship, and your partner is fairly unemotional, it may mean that the two of you are a bad fit. If this is the case, break it off.
“I’m feeling really sad right now because I had a rough day. I would really like to spend some time with you, maybe like cuddling or watching a movie. " “I’m having a hard time dealing with my feelings. I need to be alone for a little while. I’ll come back when I’m ready. " “When I talk about problems in my day, I don’t always want advice right away. I need time to process my feelings out loud. It would be really helpful if you validated my feelings and just listened first. "
For example, if you say “leave me alone,” but you actually want them to stay, don’t get mad when they leave you alone.
Some people with alexithymia might find it helpful to talk about their emotions, while others might not. When in doubt, ask “Do you want to talk about it?” For example, you might ask “Are you sad?” and they might consider it and say “I think I’m mad,” and you could ask “What are you mad about?” If they tell you that they don’t know how to deal with an emotion, gently offer some ideas. For example, if they say they’re sad, you could offer suggestions like writing in a journal, listening to sad music, watching a movie, getting ice cream, or talking about their sadness some more.
