Decide if you would rather tell your friend individually or in a group setting. Think about places you’d be comfortable telling your friend. Consider a place or activity you both enjoy; for example, getting coffee, playing tennis, taking a walk or while at your favorite pizza place. Give your friend enough time to ask questions and respond to you. Make sure they’re able to be focused on what you’re saying to them. For example, you might not want to tell them between classes or if they are running late for an appointment.
It is best to just come right out and say it: “Matt, I’m gay” or “Hey, I just wanted to let you know that I’m gay. ” Try not to get yourself worked up over it and wait for the “perfect” moment. [3] X Research source Do your best to speak clearly, even though you might be nervous. It might be more stressful to have to repeat yourself!
They might want to talk to you a lot about it, or they may just say, “Okay, that’s cool,” and change the subject. Answer their questions. They may ask you how long you’ve known, if you’ve told anyone else, how you’re feeling, or how they can help you. Be honest and open with your friend. It is possible that your friend had suspicions, and if so, will probably say they aren’t surprised.
If your friend gets angry or upset about the news, you could say, “I’m sorry this has made you upset. I hope you can support me anyway. This is who I am. ” Then give your friend some space to process the news. Your friend may just need a little time to accept the news. Remember, it likely took you a long time to come to accept who you are! You can extend the same patience to your friend. If they are not supportive and continue to remain unsupportive, you will probably not want to continue the friendship. This will be painful, especially if you have romantic feelings toward the person, but you do not want to be in any type of relationship with someone who does not accept you for who you are.
Wait a few weeks to determine your next steps, to allow your friend to process your news and for you to see how they take it.
Ask for your friend/mentor’s perspective on the situation, and what they would do if they were in your shoes. You could ask, “What would you do if you were gay and had a crush on your friend?” If you and your confidant have this friend in common, he or she may be able to help you figure out how your crush will take the news. Of course, you want to be talking to a person you trust, who will not be spreading your personal business to others. You probably don’t want your crush to find out your feelings from someone else. For example, you might say to a mutual friend, “I think I have feelings for Tom. I really want to tell him, because we’re such great friends, and I think we would be such a good couple. But I don’t know if it’s a good idea. What do you think? You’ve known him as long as I have, and I’d appreciate your point of view. ”
Watch their body language around you. If they are leaning towards you, smiling, or even acting flirtatiously toward you, they may be receptive toward your feelings. [6] X Research source Conversely, if you find them moving away from you or not making eye contact, they still may be adjusting to you telling them you’re gay. You may want to wait until they are more comfortable with you, or not say anything at all.
If you are unsure of your friend’s sexuality, or think it is more fluid, you may want to tell them you’re in love with them.
Think about your friendship. Do you think your friend would still be friends with you if you said you were in love with them? Would it be okay if your relationship if you disclosed your feelings? Would you begin a romantic relationship with your friend, even though it risks a breakup down the road?
Your friend may respond warmly to your announcement but not be interested in having a romantic relationship. Would you be able to handle still remaining friends, knowing it will not go any further? You may want to imagine your worst-case scenario, and determine if revealing your feelings is worth the risk of a negative outcome: ruining your friendship or your friend gossiping about you, for example. Imagine how you think you would feel keeping your secret. Do you think the feeling would subside as time passes, or as life changes (for example, if you move away)?
On the other hand, you may have a hunch that your friend doesn’t feel the same way as you and decide to wait.
Have your conversation in person if at all possible. It is easier to determine their reaction than via phone or text. Do not talk to your friend while you are intoxicated. It might feel easier, but your friend will not take you seriously. You could also consider writing your friend a letter to express your feelings, if you are too nervous to do it in person.
You could say, “We’ve been friends for a long time. Your friendship means so much to me, and I can’t thank you enough for supporting me after I came out. We have so much fun together, and I really enjoy being with you. ”
For example, “I am in love with you. I know you might think this is really weird, but I want to be honest about my feelings for you. ” Say you thought for a long time about telling them because you were worried it would ruin your friendship. For example, “I have wanted to tell you for a long time, even before you knew I was gay, but I waited because I didn’t want to drop all these bombshells on you at once. I don’t want to ruin our friendship, but I also decided I wanted to be honest with you. ” Express how sharing your feelings makes you feel. You could say, “I am so scared to tell you this because I am scared you don’t feel the same way, and that I am ruining our friendship by sharing this with you. ”
You could say, “I’m sure that was really overwhelming to hear. It’s okay if you don’t want to talk about it right now. But I would like to know what you think. ” Keep in mind that your friend may never respond directly about their feelings for you. They might not feel the same way, or they are confused, or they are uncomfortable. If so, let it go and move on. You said what you needed to say, and the ball is in your friend’s court.
Give your friend some distance if your announcement did not go over well, and accept that it’s what they need to do right now. Your friendship may or may not rebound from the pronouncement of your feelings. If your friend does not want a romantic relationship, it may take time before things feel “normal” again between the two of you. If your friend is not interested, you may find yourself moving on anyway. You have gotten this off your chest and now feel freer to pursue other romantic opportunities. You may be less heartbroken than you think. [9] X Research source
