Who did most of the talking in the conversation? Who seemed to “steer” or dominate the discussion? Did you learn anything new about the person with whom you were talking? Did you ask any questions about the other person that were unrelated to your own life or experiences?
Ask yourself if you listened to what the other person was saying as well as how she was saying it. Did she tell you anything you didn’t know about her? Did you ask questions, nod, or acknowledge parts of what she said to draw out the conversation? If she was upset, did you notice? If so, how long did it take you to notice?
Another sign you might be self-absorbed is that you’re more focused on being right or winning an argument than understanding the other person’s position or ideas. [3] X Research source If you feel drained or exhausted after having a conversation, this may describe you, especially if you become moody or sulk if you feel as though you have not “won” a conversation.
If you routinely upset people with your behavior and are pretty unaware of how you’re making people feel, then you may want to work on developing empathy and being less concerned with yourself.
Do you spend a lot of time rehashing what you said, remembering how many times you made people laugh, or thinking about which people in a social situation were clearly attracted to you? These are characteristics of self-absorption.
Generational differences aside, no one wants to spend time with people who are so self-absorbed that they don’t care about anyone but themselves. Thinking and showing caring concern for others is learned behavior and it’s never too late to learn.
Compliments should be happy “extras” that give you a boost, not expectations.
For example, if you find yourself feeling angry, annoyed, or even livid that someone else is trying to do things a different way, even if it’s just a lab partner who has a new idea for a project, your ego may be getting in the way of your progress.
Ask yourself about your organizational habits. If you forget these events and have trouble remembering daily appointments or meetings, you may just be generally disorganized. Or, if you have Attention Deficit Disorder or Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder, this forgetfulness can probably be attributed to the Disorder, not self-absorption.
This can be true for your relationships as well. If you hate dating people who tend to steal the spotlight, it may be because you hate having the attention taken away from yourself.
Self-absorbed people are horrified when they themselves are mistreated, but routinely give other people the cold shoulder without even recognizing the hypocrisy of their actions. Being aware of how you wish to be treated—and treating others the same way—can help smooth your social relationships and the way others perceive you.
“What did I do make sure the conversation was not centered around me and my interests?” “What did I learn about my friend, her feelings, or her situation today?”
In a work situation, you might try directly asking another person what she would do to complete a project. In this case, you should focus on listening to and caring about her suggestion, not pushing her to accept your own idea.
Make your apologies genuine. It matters less what you say and more that you truly feel sorry and empathize with the other person’s feelings. [9] X Research source If you’re new to apologizing or practicing empathy, your apology may be awkward; that’s okay. It will get easier as you have more experience, and the occasion for apology may lessen with time as well.
These habits will let people know that you’ve heard them and respect them. It also helps if you’re flexible when listening. Don’t commit to a firm stance before a conversation. Instead, let yourself be convinced by another person’s ideas or point of view. Try to pay enough attention so you can summarize someone’s story and explain how she felt about the circumstance.
Don’t just tell someone that you are supportive or care about her. Show her that you do through your actions. This includes listening to her, but also going out of your way to value her opinions. For example, you might ask for her opinion about a big purchase you’re considering. Asking for her advice will make her feel valued.
Make sure you’re valuing your friendships for what they are and not what they’ll get you. You need to stop using people or activities purely for your own gain.
Self-love is all about balance. If you have compassion for yourself as well as others, then you are not self-absorbed.
