Never tell someone else you think your friend is a lesbian. No matter how progressive your school or town is, someone could bully or harass your friend because of that rumor (even if it is not true).
Physical touch is common in female friendships, but only to a point. If your friend holds your hand on the street, gives you massages, or hugs you for an unusually long time, she might have a crush on you. (The boundaries are different in each culture, so these examples don’t apply everywhere. ) She contacts you constantly, and gets upset if you take too long to respond. She gets upset if you spend time with other friends instead of her.
“I really want to keep you as a best friend. Can we stay that way?” “I want to find a guy to date. " “I would like us to spend more time with the rest of our friends, instead of one-on-one. Are you all right with that?”
Say “I think we should stop (cuddling/having sleepovers/etc. ). I don’t want to send you the wrong signal. "
Ask your friend if she has feelings for you. Don’t force her to respond or argue with her reply. Whatever her response, let her know you do not have romantic feelings for her. If you’re straight or a lesbian, you can tell her that, but if you are not sure, it’s best not to share that in the same conversation. This is a conversation for another time. If she is angry or scared that you brought up her sexuality, use a de-escalating phrase like “We don’t have to talk about it,” or “Don’t worry, it’s your business, I just wanted to get this out there. ” Just make sure you still include the important part: that you do not have feelings for her.
If your friend is questioning her sexuality, this could be a very difficult time for her. Tell her there are LGBT resources and hotlines she can find online to help her. (Or if she was clearly crushing on you but didn’t come out, tell her there are resources “for what she is going through. “)
If your friend is dealing with negativity toward her identity, it is still possible to support her. Introducing her to other lesbians, requesting she seek the help of a therapist, encouraging a positive self-concept, and encouraging her to embrace her sexuality as part of her identity can all help produce positive outcomes [4] X Research source
Attraction often gets in the way of friendship, and it won’t go away if you find out your friend is straight. Sometimes bringing it into the open is what you need to do, regardless of how your friend feels. On the other hand, if the feelings are not mutual (and they usually aren’t), the friendship could end. If this would devastate you, and you don’t have a support network to help you out (especially if you are in the closet), it might not be a good idea to continue. Spend at least a couple weeks apart from your friend instead to try and cool down and pick up the friendship at a less intense level. If you are unsure of your sexuality, or you are straight but have a crush on your friend, focus on yourself instead of her. Look for LGBT resources online or at an LGBT community center to help you figure out your identity.
There are no obvious signals that mean someone is a lesbian, especially if she is in the closet. Trying to analyze your friend this way is nearly impossible, especially when attraction is clouding your judgement. If your friend is attracted to you, she may initiate prolonged physical contact (long hugs, for example) or ask to see you constantly. Unfortunately, it is difficult to tell this apart from close female friendships, especially if she is responding to your own desire for close contact.
One way to bring this up is to mention that you’re thinking of attending a Gay Straight Alliance event, which only “outs” you as a straight ally. Some people raised in homophobic environments express negative views on gay love even though they seem attracted to the same sex. If your friend seems defensive on the topic or is sending mixed signals, she may need more time to work out her sexuality. This is not something you can do for her.
“I think you’re attractive, but staying friends is the most important thing for me. " “I’ve been having feelings for you. I just need a little time apart to clear my head. " (jokingly) “I wish I could find a girlfriend as nice as you!”
