A friend who may have been there for you before might not be there for you now. Sometimes, a friend will be so shocked that they will not respond the supportive way you hope they will. Know that just because they have been there for you in the past, however, your friend may not initially respond the way you hope because they may be in shock.
Be warned though, that just because a friend has kept your secrets in the past doesn’t mean they will keep this one. People are often scared to hear a friend is self-harming and they might feel compelled to tell someone about it because they want to help you.
If you are a teen, you might want to consider first telling an older person that you trust before you tell your friends. Try a parent, school counsellor, or teacher. This way, you will have support already in place before you tell your friends. If you are in therapy for something already, tell that therapist first. They can then work with you to sort out how to best tell your friends and family. If you are not in therapy, now is the time to seek help because it is best to work through this process with someone professional who has experience dealing with self-harm. You may be struggling with issues of faith so you might want to tell your priest or minister. Before you tell your doctor, think about the services they may offer you, so you can be prepared to decide if you want to: accept referrals to group therapy or individual counselling, have visits from a nurse at home, or talk about medications if you are depressed or anxious. If your performance at school is being affected, you may choose to tell a school guidance counsellor or teacher. If you are under age of consent and you tell a professional or school official, you might want to know ahead of time that person’s obligation to report your self-harm. You can simply first ask them what the rule is about their sharing any information that you tell them.
Practicing at home can also help you map out in your head what you are going to say and you can practice responses to potential reactions. Think about how your friend might react and come up with ways to respond.
Telling someone face to face can be very empowering. The initial reaction may not be what you hoped for, so be prepared for anger, sadness, and shock.
Be sure to follow up the letter or email with a phone call or face to face conversation since the person you wrote may be very worried about you. Waiting to hear from you again can be very anxiety inducing for your friend. End the letter with a plan to call them in 2 days or to email you when they are ready to talk.
You will not have the benefit of non-verbal communication this way, so be cautious to avoid misinterpretations. If you are telling someone who lives very far away, they may feel powerless to help you. Try to suggest ways they can support you even at a distance. Calling a helpline is a solid way for you to begin telling people and can give you the strength, courage, and confidence to tell someone you know.
Try to get them to focus on the meaning behind the behaviour right away, rather than focusing on the scars themselves.
Even if your emotions stem from interpersonal issues you are having with them, it is always your choice to cut or self-harm, so blaming someone in anger will not help either of you.
If they ask you a question you are not ready to answer, just say so. Don’t feel pressured into answering all of their questions. Questions you can expect may include: Why do you do it; do you want to kill yourself; how does it help you; is it something I did, and why don’t you just stop?
Be as open as you can about how you feel and why you cut. Gaining their understanding will go a long way in ensuring you have the support you need.
You may need to go into more detail about your self-harm practices if you are telling your doctor or therapist. These professionals will need these insights to better help you cope.
You might have a holiday coming up or want to be intimate with someone but are afraid of your scars showing for the first time. Maybe someone else found out and is threatening to tell your parents so you want to tell them first. Maybe you didn’t tell them before because you were afraid of being labelled or of having your one way of coping taken away from you.
Don’t be apologetic. You aren’t telling them to upset them and you aren’t self-harming to upset them.
First reactions are not always an indication of how someone supportive will be. Your friend might react poorly but this isn’t a reflection on you but rather of their own coping skills and emotions. Expect that your confidant may need some time to digest this information.
They may threaten to not be friends or partners with you, or say they won’t talk to you, until you stop. Your friend could cut off your friendship entirely or they could even resort to bullying. Tell them that their demands aren’t helpful and put more pressure on you. Ask them to instead show their support by sticking with you as you go through this journey. Explain to your friend or family member that this isn’t an overnight journey but that healing and coping takes time and you need their support during this process. Remind them that, just as they’re learning this news about you, you’re still learning about yourself, too. If you are seeing a doctor or therapist, tell your friend. It may reassure them to know that you are being looked after.
Your friend might also suggest you are cutting or self-harming as part of a fad. Be patient and understanding of your friend’s confusion and share resources with them to educate them about self-harm. Explain that self-harm is not the same as being suicidal but rather a coping mechanism you are using. Tell them that you are not attention seeking. In fact, most people choose to hide their self-harm for long periods of time before deciding to talk about it.
Know that it will be difficult for them to hear but gently remind them that you need to talk about your feelings right now. Let them know you are talking to them because you trust them, not because you blame them.
You may feel relief and be happier now that you have shared your secret. This good feeling can be an impetus to talk more about your self-harm, perhaps with a counsellor or doctor. You won’t necessarily always feel good talking about it, but this is a strong step towards healing. You may be angry and disappointed if your friend didn’t react the way you’d hoped they would. If your friend reacts poorly, remember that this is a reflection of their own emotional issues and coping skills. If your friend responds badly and it affects you negatively, it could cause you to relapse and do further self-harm. Instead, remember that your friend just received shocking news and needs time to adjust. People often regret their first reactions to surprising news. Now is the time to seek professional help if you haven’t already. Sharing this news with someone close to you is a good first step but you have a lot of emotional issues to unpack and work through and this is best done with someone who has experience and training in the field.
