If you are already in counseling, explore this topic of sharing your depression with a friend with your counselor, therapist, or psychiatrist. If your friend is a great listener, discreet, trustworthy, reliable, non-judgmental, supportive and mentally healthy, then this friend sounds like the ideal person to share your concerns with. Your friend can be a sounding board for you and help you maintain a healthy perspective as you work through your recovery.
Does your friend make disparaging remarks about “crazy people”? Can your friend be condescending or judgmental at times with other people? Is your friend going through his or her own depression issues? Can your friend be insensitive to you at times? Does your friend handle emotions well? Does your friend gossip or spread rumors? If you answered yes to any of these or recall any instances where your friend exhibited disconcerting attitudes and behaviors, it might be best that you just simply let your friend know that you are going through some major issues, but that you’re working on them, getting help and will be in touch. That said, sometimes friends can surprise us. If your friend is able to drop her usual behaviors or attitudes out of concern for you, and if you feel comfortable sharing this information, you can start with small pieces of information to share and see how well your friend receives it. Back off whenever you feel uncomfortable or upset.
Keep in mind that your friend may have someone in her family who is depressed and may know a lot about the illness. On the other hand, your friend may know very little about depression. It is important to read up on depression and educate yourself about your illness so that you can help your friend better understand depression, how it affects you, and how they can help and support you going forward. In addition, educating yourself about depression has its own benefits for your recovery process! Remember that you do not have to explain why you’re depressed. You don’t need to provide a justifiable reason to be depressed or to feel sad. All you need to do to share your feelings with your best friend is to tell honestly them how you’re feeling, and ask for what you need from them, be it support, patience, understanding, or space.
Keep in mind that your friend may not understand you. People who have never suffered from depression may not be familiar with the symptoms. This means that sometimes they have a hard time understanding why you can’t “just stop feeling sad” or “just get out of bed. ” This isn’t necessarily a lack of empathy or compassion on the part of your friend. Instead, it could be the case that this person cares about you and wants you to feel better, but doesn’t understand how the disorder makes people feel. Another possibility is that your friend may feel like it’s her responsibility to “fix” you. Your friend might think that they can help “lift” you out of your depression. This is not their job, as it puts pressure on both her and you. Another possible reaction is to abruptly change the subject or turn the focus of the conversation around onto herself. This possible outcome can feel hurtful, like your friend is being selfish or doesn’t care about you, but it is more likely the case that they simply don’t know how to respond to what you’ve said, or that they are trying to show you that they’ve been in a similar situation and can relate to what you’re feeling. In each of these scenarios, prepare what you will do and say. For example, if your friend seems to be reacting to your disclosure by using language that implies they want to “fix” you, point out that it’s not your friend’s job to fix you (since you’re not “broken”) and that what you would like instead is support. If she has a hard time accepting this, plan to say something like “I have to be able to sort this out on my own. Your support means the world to me, but you can’t do this for me, even though I know you wish you could. It’s like wanting to help me for a test, but then doing all the studying for me. If I don’t have the knowledge to take the test, I can’t pass it myself. This is very similar. ”
For example, do you need your friend to “just” listen and be someone you can talk to? Do you need to ask for help with getting to and from treatment? Do you need someone to help you manage everyday tasks, like cooking, cleaning, and laundry? Know that your friend might only be able to help you out in small ways, so it’s best to go into the conversation a clear sense of what you want from a friend. You could also wait for your friend to ask if and how she could help you, and then discuss whether or not your friend could contribute in the way you need her to. For instance, you could ask your friend to speak with you for a few minutes every night to help you with your insomnia (a symptom of depression), check in with you to see how your day went, or to check to see if you took your medication that day.
Once you’ve written it down, practice saying it out loud in front of a mirror.
React to whatever the other person says, even if you think it is ridiculous or unlikely to happen. Just practicing responding to absurd or surprising statements from a friend can give you the confidence to approach a difficult conversation like this one. To get the most out of the role-play, be as realistic as possible in your responses. Incorporate non-verbal communication into your role-play. Remember that gestures, posture, and tone of voice are a major factor in your conversation. After the role-play, ask your partner for feedback, telling you what worked well and some areas where you might think more about what you will say or otherwise improve your response.
Being in a better mood can make it easier for you to be able to open up and talk about your feelings. If you’re not in the mood to do an activity, don’t feel pressured to plan one. A conversation over a cup of tea at the kitchen table or on the couch can suffice.
If you don’t know how to bring it up or feel uncomfortable, try saying something like, “Hey, I’ve been feeling kind of weird/down/upset lately. Do you think we could talk about it?” Make it clear from the beginning of the conversation whether you want her to listen and hear what you have to say, or want her opinion or suggestions.
If you’re having a hard time dealing with your emotions during the actual conversation, it’s okay to admit this to your friend. Letting them know how hard the conversation is for you might even be helpful to your friend to understand your state of mind and how serious the situation is. If you begin to feel overwhelmed at any point during the conversation, it’s okay to take a break, take a deep breath and gather your thoughts.
Individuals with depression are sometimes prone to feeling guilty. [12] X Research source Guilt can be persistent, but it can also be managed and minimized. If you feel guilty during your conversation, one useful way to manage this perceived guilt is to remember that guilty thoughts are not facts. You are not burdening your friend by sharing your feelings. Your friend is more likely to feel grateful that you trusted her with this information and eager to help your recovery than she is to feel the “burden” you envision.
Look for signs of active listening. When a person is listening closely, they are deeply focused, trying to understand what you’re saying. Check for cues like eye contact, nodding, or meaningful responses to what you’re saying (even “uh-huh” can be meaningful!). People also show that they understand a conversation with their contributions to that conversation. They might repeat or paraphrase what was said, ask follow-up questions, and otherwise be working to keep the conversation going. [14] X Research source When people stop understanding or are at a loss for words, they may use filler words. Filler words are “go to” words and can vary from person to person. They may use the same phrases over and over again (e. g. , “that is interesting”). They may also trail off (i. e. , not finish sentences) or not be working to keep the conversation going. Be aware, however, that these responses can vary from person to person. For example, some people think more clearly when they aren’t making eye contact and may deliberately avoid it in order to concentrate on what you are saying. Think about how your friend talks and how she acts when she’s paying attention.
This move is mostly likely up to you, as your friend may feel uncomfortable ending the conversation.
Remember this is a natural response and does not mean you’ve done anything wrong! This might be a good time to assure your friend that you don’t expect them to have all the answers, and that you just need them to listen and be there for you. [15] X Trustworthy Source HelpGuide Nonprofit organization dedicated to providing free, evidence-based mental health and wellness resources. Go to source Don’t take anger or crying as a sign of rejection. You can try talking to your friend again another time. Meanwhile, find someone else close to you that you can talk with.
Inquiry: Ask and make an observation. You could say, “Have I upset you with this topic? I would like to listen to how you feel. ” Acknowledgment: Summarize what your friend stated. You can really further the conversation along if you can help your friend calm down. Summarizing what your friend said will help your friend feel like someone is listening. Advocacy: Once you comprehend your friend’s point of view, you are getting close to coming to a mutual understanding. You can take this opportunity to clarify what you’ve learned about depression, or to share with your friend what is appropriate for your friend to do or not do, such as, “Don’t worry. My depression doesn’t have anything to do with how good of a friend you are. You are my best friend, and one of the few reasons I smile these days. ” Problem-solving: By this time, your friend hopefully would have calmed down so you can fulfill your objective. Finish stating what you wanted to state. Have your friend help you find a therapist, help you make therapy appointments, or just to be there to listen to you. If these 4 steps don’t work, it may be best to draw the conversation to a close. Your friend may need time to take in the information.
Don’t take this as a rejection of your problem. Self-disclosure and normalizing are actually good signs, because they mean your friend is trying to connect with you and/or show that you are being accepted. [17] X Research source However, don’t let your friend’s “normalization” tactic prevent you from saying what you need to say! At the moment, it isn’t important how many depressed people your friend knows. What is important is that you tell your friend about your OWN feelings and experience. Follow the conversation through to the end.
