Think about when you were a child. Whenever you were forced to make a half-hearted apology to your brother for some minor offense, did it really make either of you feel better? If you can’t bring yourself to see (and say) that you did anything wrong, then you may need to be willing to lose the relationship. That may be the right choice, but be clear on the possible consequences as you decide whether you can and will apologize.
For example, a seemingly innocuous offhand comment on your part about how lousy your school’s basketball team is this year may seem like a bigger deal when you consider that your boyfriend tried out for the team and didn’t make it. While you usually hear people say “don’t make a mountain out of a molehill,” this is a situation where you may want to do exactly that. Don’t succumb to our natural inclination to downplay the severity of our own actions; focus instead on the genuine hurt you have caused. [1] X Research source
You may find that doing some self-affirmation exercises (repeating a mantra, doing yoga, writing down your thoughts) before apologizing helps relieve some of the guilt than can make you act defensively as you try to apologize. [2] X Research source If you can’t let go, accept your faults, and move forward, odds are your boyfriend won’t be able to either.
In order to ensure that you cover the “three R’s” — regret, responsibility, and remedy — that most good apologies include, it is best to think about exactly what you want to say. Practicing in front of a mirror or a friend may even help. Face-to-face apologies are usually best, but written ones can be an option if your boyfriend refuses to see you (because you forgot to pick him up at the airport, for instance), or if you know your apology will come out much better that way. While waiting until you can get your apology just right is normally preferable, it may sometimes be best to preemptively apologize before he expresses his hurt feelings. For example, if you know he’ll be mad you forgot his birthday, you may want to be ready with a good “I’m sorry” before he has a chance to express his disappointment. [3] X Research source
Even if there is blame to share, this is your apology, so you should focus on what you did wrong. Don’t focus on the apology you think you deserve (right now, anyway), but on the one you deserve to give. Think about using sentences that follow the form “I … you,” where you fill in the specifics of what you did to hurt him, and what you will do to either fix the damage of prevent a repeat.
More often than not, it is best to specifically say “I’m sorry” and “I was wrong. ” Such simple phrases can be incredibly difficult to say, but they are the foundation of a good apology. [5] X Research source Throwing in a “because” as well — where you clearly express why you are at fault — is also a good idea. [6] X Research source Compare, for instance “My bad. My friends and I were having so much fun that I totally lost track of time and forgot about your show” with “I am sorry that I missed your band’s show. I was wrong to not make it my first priority for tonight, because I know it was important for me to be there to support you. ”
It can be difficult to make apologies, and it is tough for many people to receive them. Some may use the apology as an excuse to unload a whole host of hurt feelings. Or he may clam up and say nothing, or try to ignore or avoid listening to you. Focus on what you can control, and listen patiently if he wants to speak. Don’t demand or expect forgiveness, at least not right away. Instead of putting it on him by saying “please forgive me,” instead state “I hope that you can offer me your forgiveness at some point. ”
Consider the following sample apologies, which utilize the “three R’s” of regret, responsibility, and remedy: “I’m sorry, I realize that by being late I made us miss the first part of the movie. Next time the movie is on me. ” “I’m sorry. I know it is difficult for you to trust people and my lying to you hasn’t made it any easier. I shouldn’t have lied no matter how afraid I was of your reaction. I promise to be truthful to you from now on. " “I’m sorry for talking to you like that. I shouldn’t have said those words to you. I’ll work on letting you know when I don’t like something instead of holding it all in and then exploding like that. "
If you’ve promised not to be late anymore, change your routines in noticeable ways so that you can be on time. A recognizable change in behavior is a good sign of sincerity. Each time you have to make the same apology over again, it will become less believable and less acceptable. Maybe you can’t completely change your tendency of saying hurtful things when you’re stressed out, but a demonstrated effort to change will make the next apology more likely to be accepted.
Rely on your judgment, of course. If you’ve really hurt someone, he may recoil at your touch. Don’t try to force contact when it is not welcomed. But you may be surprised by how often even the most stoic of boyfriends will want a hug when his feelings are hurt.
Write a poem or song about him. Paint a picture or assemble a photo collage of happy times you have shared. Make his favorite meal. Volunteer to help out at his favorite charitable organization. The act doesn’t necessarily have to be related to your offense, but that can be particularly effective in some circumstances. If you forgot his birthday, throw him a surprise “Happy Belated Birthday” party a week or two later. Pull out all the stops to make it his kind of party. Not to generalize on all boyfriends, but some may particularly welcome caring acts of a more physical nature. If you are comfortable with it, that is your decision to make. Never let yourself be forced to do anything you don’t want to do — of any sort, physical or otherwise — as part of an apology, however. Apologizing is not an invitation to be taken advantage of.
All you can do is show yourself to be a good partner by demonstrating that you can admit when you’re wrong and work to remedy the situation. It is up to him to demonstrate his true nature in how he responds and whether he can admit his role (if he has one) in the problem. Freely-given apologies (and offers of forgiveness) are important to the long-term success of a relationship. Coerced apologies and demands for forgiveness are shaky ground to build a relationship upon. Similarly, don’t expect him to take part of the blame for the issue or to minimize your role in what happened because you apologized. Just make a clean apology.
